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Lick the Produce Section: Just peachy

It’s time for another edition of Lick the Produce Section, the adventures of a woman who once weighed 372 pounds but amazingly enough had not eaten every food on the planet. She’s going to change that, and she’s starting in the produce section.


Apricots started showing up in the grocery bins this month, so I grabbed one. The cute, tiny, yellow fruit was sweet and juicy, but I couldn’t help thinking it resembled a plum or a peach in sweetness and delivery system. They are all roughly, spherical fruits with pits in the center that could chip a tooth if I bit into them incorrectly. It’s like comparing 80’s hair bands. You’ve got your Bon Jovi, your Poison, and your Def Leppard, but can you really tell that much of a difference between them through the haze of AquaNet hairspray? Perhaps if I were eating these fruits fresh off the tree I would notice more of a difference. Instead, I eat them after they’ve been shipped from some other state or nation. There certainly are differences […]

Name that veggie

Yesterday I was in line at the grocery store watching the cashier check out my items. The teenage clerk with slicked-back black hair picked up a clear bag containing my produce and looked for the sticker code on the item. She turned the bag all around and then asked, “What is this?”

“It’s a parsnip,” I replied proudly like a two-year-old at a pond who had just learned the word “duck.”

“A what?” the clerk replied.

“A pars-nip,” I enunciated more loudly over the background noise of the supermarket.

The clerk started searching the plastic-coated produce sheet which contained item codes looking for the right number to punch in. A burly, man who appeared to be her manager happened to walk by.

“Hey, Dave, how do I enter this in?” she asked him.

Dave stopped mid-stride and approached the register. He looked at me and asked, “What is that?”

“A parsnip,” I said for the third time.

“Parsley?” Dave asked. Granted, I’d only been able to identify the thing for a month, but in what universe could a big, white carrot be mistaken […]

Kids under the knife

Today I read that kids recover from obesity surgery better than adults. The study was based on 309 obese patients ages 12 to 18, which makes me wonder, who was the 12-year-old? I think I’d rather have my tonsils removed at that age than part of my stomach. The poor kid must have been really overweight for a doctor to authorize that.

While I support everyone’s right to make their own decisions about their lives, I do find it rather uncomfortable that people that young are having permanent, life-changing surgery. People do a lot of things in their youth they later regret. You can take out the nose ring and the hole will close up. If you save up enough money you can have the tattoo of your ex-boyfriend’s name removed from your ass. You can’t get your stomach back.

But I also understand that being that fat that young has got to be extremely painful and isolating. The fat kids usually don’t get to buy the cute clothes or get the hot dates. I can’t blame […]

Lick the produce section: Don’t get parsnippity!

It’s time for another installment of “Lick the Produce Section,” a series cataloguing my continuing adventures to boldy try new vegetables that millions of people have eaten before. People used to live off the land, don’t you know?


A parsnip looks like an albino carrot. Could this be the work of Bunnicula, the vampire rabbit who sucks vegetables of their juice? It also looks like on organic baseball bat, so if ever an intruder were to break into my apartment while I was raiding the fridge, I could probably grab a parsnip and beat him death with it. Now that’s a handy root vegetable!

After taking this home from the grocery store I looked up its glycemic index rating and freaked out a little when I discovered it was 97. The glycemic index is a measure of how quickly a food is digested and how fast it raises your blood sugar levels. A spoonful of sugar rates at 100. So at first glance it looked like I might as well be chewing on raw sugar cane as […]

Adventures in the produce section

I looked around the produce section of my grocery store last weekend and came to this startling realization, “Hey! There’s a lot of fruit here!” When shopping for food I tend to go directly for what is on my list or just grab items that I’m familiar with. I tune out any extraneous data like I ignore most ads in magazines. But ever since my impulse purchase of a starfruit earlier this month, I realized there is a lot of food out there that I have never tried. While there’s nothing wrong with going bananas for a red delicious apple, it occurred to me I might be somewhat narrow-minded in my fruit world view. So, I’ve started trying some fruits and veggies which might be familiar to many of you all, but are as new to me as if I were catching a rerun of a TV show I’d never seen.

First up was the brown Asian pear. A protective white, netted, foam, covered its bottom half, which made it look like it was wearing pants. […]

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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