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I can see clearly now

I think I found the most expensive way to lose a fraction of an ounce: LASIK surgery. That’s right y’all, I got my eyes zapped yesterday and I’ve never been happier to be several grand poorer. I’m sure I could have found a kid to shine a laser pointer in my eye for free, but fancy surgeons with high-powered lasers cost a bit more. Maybe I should get out a sharpie and append my t-shirt that says “Being this cute is exhausting” to say “Being this cute is exhausting …and expensive.”

I’m typing this on my computer without my glasses on and I can see just fine. I’m also trying to remember to blink frequently to keep my eyes lubricated. (blink) While I probably lost .001 of an ounce when they fried off parts of my eyes, the real benefit during my weigh-ins will come from losing my glasses which weigh one entire once. (blink) Between this, my gall bladder, and those wisdom teeth I had removed perhaps I should start handicapping my weight for you […]

Through my what?!

When I had my gallbladder removed three and a half years ago, no one asked me, “So, would you like us to suck that out of your vagina?” And thank goodness they didn’t, because I probably would have fainted right there in the doctor’s office and who knows what they would have stuffed up my orifices to revive me?

At the end of March, doctors removed a 66-year-old woman’s gallbladder via her vagina. The procedure avoids abdominal scarring and is supposed to be “less invasive,” though I don’t know what could be more invasive than sticking something up there. It’s part of a developing surgical technique called “natural orifice surgery.” They’ve also been able to remove a man’s appendix via his mouth. Take a minute to visualize that and tell me when you get back from vomiting in the restroom. You back? Okay. It reminds me of the old Egyptian mummification process where they’d remove a corpse’s brains through its nose, only now we can do it on living people without making them candidates for mummification.

Natural […]

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Man looking into telescope

Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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