There have been a couple times in the past year when I have snatched too many bagels from the break room or eaten far too many slices of cake and pie at family gatherings or I’ve eaten a lot on the weekends for no reason at all. Whenever these things have happened, I’ve thought to myself, “Why am I like this now? What happened to the old me who was so good at dieting?”
Then I went back and read some of my blog entries and realized that’s a load of crap.
I’ve always had issues with eating on the weekends. I’ve always eaten too many M&M’s at baby showers. Food has always been an issue for me – when I was fat, when I was losing weight, and now as I am maintaining my loss. Yet, for some reason, I make myself believe that I was more perfect in the past, that I was better back then, when my blog stands as proof otherwise. The human brain is tricky like that, remembering things as we think they were instead of how they actually were.
That’s one of the best things about keeping a journal, it’s immune to the shadings of time. The best way to know what it’s like to go through an experience is to write about it as it’s happening so your brain doesn’t play tricks on you later. When I’ve rooted through boxes in my closets, I’ve occasionally found diaries or old school journals. Usually I find myself reading them as I sit cross-legged on the floor thinking, “Wow, I was a total doofus!” The thoughts I had back then, the things that were important, are not the same as now. But I would never remember how different I was unless I’d written it down to read later. And I’d probably never realize how much the same I am in other ways either. That girl I think I was never really existed.
So, when I’m trying to fight off the urge to eat another granola bar and wondering why I’m so weak-willed lately, I can console myself with the fact that I’ve always been weak-willed. Thank goodness I took the time to write it down.