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The joy of cooking

My friend preformed in The Vagina Monologues this weekend in addition to helping plan the event which raised thousands of dollars for the local YWCA and rape assistance program. I’m so proud of her! She also works full time, takes 15 hours of classes, and wrapped individual presents for each cast member, complete with ribbons made out of some strange substance called “wraphia” which is the inbred child of ribbon and hay. I don’t know how she does all this. Maybe she secretly has a twin sister and they’ve been pretending to be the same person for the past umpteen years I’ve known her/them.

I wanted to help her celebrate the climax of all her hard work, so I undertook some thematic baking. If you are exceedingly moral or are put off by vulgar flour-based imagery, stop reading now. And if you are exceedingly moral, why are you reading my blog anyway? :)

Please only click if you are the age of 18 or over, your boss is not looking over your shoulder (unless you work […]

Quality over quantity

I’ve started really looking forward to my morning bowl of oatmeal, thinking about how nice it will be to wake up to before I go to bed. Cinnamon roll was my favorite flavor for awhile, but it’s now been supplanted by baked apple. I don’t recall looking forward this much to eating before, mostly because I never waited to eat before. Most of my life I just ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, consuming all the natural resources in the refrigerator like an evil, corporate mining operation. Only I was digging for ice cream instead of coal.

Now I try to eat less calories than I burn and to eat only when I’m hungry. This means I don’t get to eat that much. I’m envious of big burly guys who get to consume over 2000 calories a day, whereas I’m stuck in the mid-1000 calorie range. Every meal counts. Anticipating meals becomes like a session of foreplay where I’m kept in sweet anticipation of my climax of flavor.

I had a coupon for the hippie, organic […]

Morris was finicky over this stuff?

I don’t usually buy the wet, canned cat food, but in order to use my coupon I had to bump my order up to $15.00 and the $0.60 cent can of Science Diet was the easiest way to do it. My cat got awfully excited over the treat as I peeled back the metal lid. He kept poking his nose into the can as I used a spoon to scoop out the ground up bits of animals I don’t want to know the names of. I scraped all around the edges and whacked the remaining sticky clumps into the bowl with a few thumps.

And then I licked the spoon.

It was only when the meaty mess was sticking to the top of my mouth that I realized what I had done. All those years of licking the beaters after mixing a cake and scooping up wads of chocolate chip cookie dough on the sly must have created an automatic response in my brain. I’d run down a well-beaten path in my neural pathways that said: Serve […]

Stealing a loaf of bread would be cliché

When I was 8 years old, I stole a granola bar from the grocery store. They were in a large bin and looked tasty, so I grabbed one and smuggled it out of the store in my underpants. I was a poor thief though, squirming and squiggling enough on the way home that my mom busted me. I was scolded, but we didn’t bother to return the bar because it was a cheap purchase and didn’t seem worth it. Also, it had been in a grade-schooler’s underpants. That definitely marked it not for resell. The worst thing, besides feeling incompetent for being caught and smashing all previous records on my personal guilt meter, was that the granola bar tasted like ass. I don’t think this had anything to do with my underpants. If you’re going to steal food, steal something tasty.

While I can blame my food thievery on my youth, I was surprised to read that meat was the most shoplifted item in American grocery stores in 2005, or so says the Food Marketing Institute. […]

They don’t eat like birds

Birds of Prey is a comic book about a group of female crime fighters, complete with witty dialogue, endearing female friendships, and lots of ass-kicking. It’s also written by a female author, Gail Simone. Basically, the only way it could have been more engineered for my liking is if they printed it with chocolate ink. Black Canary is my favorite character, not just because she looks great in fishnets, but because she loves food! See exhibits A and B behind the cut.

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Man looking into telescope

Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

Lick the Produce: Odd things I've put in my mouth
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European Vacation

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