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Please don’t poke the fat girl

Back in high school, Deirdre Barnes poked my belly on the school bus and giggled. I giggled too because I am ticklish everywhere I have skin.

“Why’d you do that?” I asked, confused.

“You’re so jiggly,” she said. It had never occurred to me that a thin person might not know what rolls of belly flab felt like. I didn’t like being poked. I hadn’t given her permission to feel me up. But I understand her curiosity now. I didn’t know what a thin person’s body felt like either. The closest I’d come to feeling up a six-pack was when I’d grab a Mountain Dew from the fridge.

I still haven’t felt up six-pack abs, but I’m sometimes surprised by how firm my body is becoming. When I but my hands on my sides I can feel solid muscle beneath my thin layer of fat. If I squeeze my thighs, there is extra skin and adipose tissue, but I also feel the ungiving firmness of muscle. My scale says I’m about 30% fat now, which means 70% of […]

Giving fat girls a bad name

As astute reader, Skippy, pointed out in the comments last week, I’d posted several entries recalling dessert pizzas and old binging habits lately. S/he was wondering what was up with that. I pawned off something in response about giving up my favorite yogurt this week, but after some thought I realized it’s probably because I’ve been working on the beginning of my book lately. This has been by far the hardest part of the book to write, not only because it’s got the miserable fat stories in it, but because it happened so long ago that it’s hard to remember what the hell was going on back then. There are also a lot of questions that I think readers will want to know the answers to, like, “How’d you get so fat anyway?” and “What were you eating?” and “Why didn’t you just stop chowing on so many cookies, gosh darn it?” which are very good questions that I wish I had the answers to. I’ve never really analyzed that part of my life in […]

In the flesh

Before I lost weight, I thought about taking out my digital camera and taking off my clothes in the bathroom to take a naked photo of myself in the mirror. Clothes add a layer of uncertainty to progress photos. Do you look better because you’ve lost weight or because you’re wearing better fitting clothes? And even though I disliked all the excess fat, it was somewhat fascinating to see how all those inflated fat cells shape a human body.

However, I decided the best way to prevent naked photos of myself from being plastered on the Internet was to never take naked photos of myself. Playboy, please stop offering me millions of dollars. I simply won’t do it, Hugh. So I kept my clothes on. I’m a modest person and have never felt completely comfortable being naked around other people. It’s not necessarily because I think I look bad or good, I just don’t think people should look without my permission, period. People who don’t have this level of modesty never understand us people who do. […]

I hope no one ever greets me this way

I was traipsing along the Internets yesterday, throwing some skipping stones into cyberspace, and stumbled upon a blog entry by Haidong Ji that made me fall down and scrape my knees in surprise. In it, the Chinese author recalls meeting his native parents at the airport in Chicago where they greet him with this lovely phrase: “You are fatter than before.” Amazingly this is not followed by the writer shoving his parents onto the next plane back to China. Instead he smiles because coming from a person from rural China this is actually a compliment. His family grew up in an area where food was scarce, so saying someone looked fatter meant that life was treating them well. He revealed, “If somebody said that to me, I, as a modest Chinese, would simply say something to the effect of: ‘No, no, no, I am just slightly fatter than before. You should see so and so. He is really fat!’” Then I started giggling trying to think of any two American women (or men) having […]

An Easter resurrection

Check it out y’all, Fatslayer is back. It’s so sad when bloggers go missing that it’s nice when one comes back.

To celebrate I shall binge on chocolate creme eggs and Peeps, assuming they have not completely frozen in the trunk of my car. 32 degrees on Easter day?! Maybe the end is nigh and Jesus really is coming back today.

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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