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The great outdoors

Back in elementary school I hated going outside. Typically going outside meant playing kickball and on one occasion I decided it was preferable to hide under a table next to the guinea pig pen instead of going onto the pocked concrete field to have the red, rubber ball tossed in my direction. I’m sure Harry appreciated the company, or at least appreciated being terrorized by only one eight-year-old instead of 30. I never understood why all my classmates got so revved up over the thought of going out into the humidity and heat. We’d spent over a millennia of evolution to become smart enough to invent the air conditioner. Shouldn’t we stay inside to do our Venn diagrams and appreciate it?

Which is why it is so odd that I was ecstatic that it was warm enough this weekend to go running on the trail. Maybe it’s because no one throws balls at me out there – at least not yet – though I did need to watch out for dog poop. Is there a plastic […]

People I want to punch

I think the key to getting a good workout during kickboxing class is to imagine someone particularly vile when I’m throwing right hooks and uppercuts. In the last session I imagined the creep who had somehow hacked my ebay account an hour before class. S/he not only listed fake auctions, but made me late for class since I had to change all my passwords and cancel about 20 auctions for DVD sets of “The L Word” and “24.” In this case I think the L word was “lying leech” and I’d love to see my hacker playing the part of a torture victim in the latest day of Jack Baur’s life. I took my rage out on the air molecules in the elementary school gymnasium and now my biceps and triceps are sore like they haven’t been after the other two classes. Exercise is indeed a good stress release.

I was also pissed at another attendee in class, a guy who seemed to be dragged there by his wife or girlfriend. I imagine she talked him […]

Jab, Cross, Uppercut – Duck!

I survived my first kickboxing class without getting a close-up look of the Nike sole pattern in my face. I’m not sure which is more a danger to me, myself or the kicks and punches of my fellow turbo cardio participants. I think the lady to my left was gunning for me, the feisty old broad. And I haven’t even perfected my blocking guard yet!

The yoga class ahead of us was running 10 minutes late, so everyone congregated in the hallway of the elementary school the class is held in. I can’t recall the last time I was in an elementary school, but, wow, I do not miss that government institutionalized look. Just being in a building like that reminded me of the time as a child when adults have complete say over what you do. Walking through the cafeteria on the way in brought back similar sensory memories of bad food and weird smells and annoying classmates. If someone had handed me a lunch tray, I might have had a full flashback to 5th […]

Leaping Lizards

The instructor on my Pilates DVD is not only a trained expert, but a bit of a comedian. Near the end of the routine there comes a part where in one movement she rolls backward on the mat and then rolls forward to leap into a standing pose. This has always been good for a chuckle from me since I’m convinced only rabbit-human hybrids can jump up like that. Ana Caban’s father must have been the Easter bunny. The funniest part is that she acts like this is no big deal, as if this is how we all get out of the bed each morning.

I’m pretty game though, so I’ve attempted to imitate this maneuver several times in the last month, usually just falling back on my ass and giggling. Hopefully my downstairs neighbor thinks I’m engaged in wacky sexual hijinks instead of failed Pilates moves (though the two aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive).

Then last night I actually did it.

Granted, it was more like I rolled forward into a squat, paused and then stood up from […]

Weight: 190 – Pounds left to lose: 30

Down two pounds this week on the weekly weigh-in. We’ve hit a number that ends in a 0, so what does that mean, children? Anyone? Yes, Lucy, you raised your hand first. Why yes, that’s right. It’s time to take the digital camera off the shelf and make some more progress photos. Look for them by Monday. Lucy, you get a gold star.

I’d also like to thank everyone who posts comments on the blog. You’ve been particularly heartwarming lately and if you don’t cut it out my left ventricle is going to burst into flames. I know you keep telling me I’m inspiring, but you guys are pretty inspiring too. I am rubber, you are glue. But if someday I develop an enormous ego, it will be completely your fault. You keep telling a girl she’s wonderful and she might start to believe it. Which is why you should tell people they are wonderful. So frequently people who want to lose weight will bash themselves and cut themselves down, but it’s when you think you […]

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Man looking into telescope

Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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