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What’s for lunch?

Last week I had cookie cake for lunch. I didn’t plan on having cookie cake for lunch, but when I walked into the office kitchen and saw the chocolate chip cookie covered in icing and sprinkled with mini M&M’s I thought, “I’m having cookie cake for lunch!” And so it was. I’m glad soup doesn’t have feelings or else my can of savory pot roast might have felt jilted.

I ate a smidge more than I would have if I was being watched, but I stopped before it was all gone and left plenty of sugar for my co-workers. Then I calculated how many calories I’d eaten and was glad I’d bought that bag of salad at the grocery store this week. It was barely past noon and I‘d already eaten all of lunch and half of dinner.

Later on there was carrot cake and fruit offered at a team meeting, but I turned it down and it wasn’t even a big deal. I didn’t even think about the cookie cake for the rest of the day, […]

Got religion?

I was reading one of the bazillion articles about how fat kids are these days, when I read this sentence: “Zeitler says when children slim down, it’s because ‘their families get religion about this and figure out what needs to happen.’” Immediately this made me giggle because the phrase “get religion” elicited imagery of a congregation baptizing members in a tub of fat-free yogurt. Yet that phrase perfectly evokes how I feel about how I’ve changed my life. Which is funny, because I haven’t gone to church in years, yet when it comes to snack foods I have become a slight zucchini zealot.

I once watched a “Where Are They Now?” special on VH1 which was a much more polite title than the equally appropriate “Washed-Up Pop Stars.” One of the people they interviewed was a protégé of Prince who used to slink around in lingerie and do drugs, but had now become a complete Jesus freak. They interviewed her in a church and every other word out of her mouth was about the Lord and […]

Tossed Salad

I was reading the Wild Oats e-mail newsletter yesterday and was surprised by two things. First, I subscribe to the Wild Oats newsletter. When did that happen? Wild Oats is a health food store which stocks organic produce and whey protein and other food items that three years ago I would have simply labeled “crazy hippie kibble.” Now I’m the kind of person who’s watching for sales on frozen blueberries so I can make more smoothies and oat pancakes. The second surprise was that according to an article called Spoiled Rotten, Americans “throw out 25 percent of the produce they buy because it’s gone bad.” Wow, that’s a lot of rotten tomatoes. Bad comedians beware.

Then I thought about the fresher drawer in my own fridge. It’s currently home to a tomato that will probably collapse into a liquid mess like Senator Kelly from the X-Men movies if I try to touch it. There’s also a head of lettuce that looks fine from the top, but is turning into a gooey, black mess on the bottom, […]

Eat, drink and be merry

I recently proposed that we needed to come up with a word to describe someone who wasn’t fat, but wasn’t really thin either. While we’re revising the lexicon, I think we need to decide what the word “diet” is supposed to mean. Maybe we should just throw the word out completely and recycle the letters for use in other words. The word “diet” has so many connotations that using the word is like wielding a blunt object. It’s imprecise. It causes a lot of confusion. It makes me sound like I’m subsisting solely on tofu and rice cakes.

“Dieting” has a lot of negative baggage. If you’re on a diet it’s implied that someday you will go off a diet. It’s a temporary state of existence, like a month-to-month lease. Dieting implies another “d” word – deprivation. Dieters are accused of starving themselves and going hungry. It’s implied that if you break any of your diet’s multiple rules you are a very bad person indeed. Violators will have their knuckles rapped with their diet books and […]

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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