You'll laugh you ass off. (I did.)
I swear to God, I’ve been back in Indiana for less than 48 hours and I already feel like crawling underneath the covers and devising a way to be a professional blob. Hello, gray skies and 50-degree weather! Go f*&$ yourself, will you? I wish I could call in depressed to work. I suppose I’ll just call in “blah” to my blog instead.
Last week I was watching an episode of Glee, the hit Fox show that everyone has told me to watch. The plotline of this episode involved the temporary school nurse giving some student members of the glee club pseudoephedrine, a chemical commonly found in cold medicine, which can also act as a stimulant. They were using it to feel alert and souped-up to perform. In between my laughter at the jokes and my humming along to the songs, I found myself thinking, I should totally try that. It might help me get through the day. At which point I sighed and thought, Oh, Jennette. That is so, so, completely wrong. You are obviously depressed. Because, seriously, no one should be contemplating the abuse of cold medicine as a method of coping with day-to-day life.
For those of you just arriving at the party, I have had a chronic headache for almost two years which has really effed up my life. (And OMG, do not send me suggestions. If you do, I will sell your email address to Nigerian spammers. I swear to GOD!) If 2008 was my year of pain, 2009 was my year of feeling tired. Oh, oh, so tired. All the time. I even tweeted it once, asking if anyone else felt so tired, but no one really got what I was saying. They talked about being tired after their day or tired from work, but I was talking about being tired all the time.
One of the reasons I decided to quit my job and freelance full-time was because I wanted to be able to lie down on the couch all day if needed to, instead of pretending to work while I stared at a computer. Some days life is just…hard. I’m not interested in reading, or watching TV, or writing my blog, or doing anything, except perhaps eating, but even that joy is rather empty and fleeting.
This is probably 80% of the reason I gained back about 40 pounds last year. I know how to eat healthy and exercise, but on so many days it seemed pointless. When I am sad and lonely in the evenings and don’t feel like doing anything and don’t care about anything, I like to eat. I obviously need to find an alternative coping mechanism for these feelings, either with anti-depressants or a support group or something. Thankfully, I watched the Glee episode the night before an appointment with my doctor, so we tweaked my meds, which I hope will help. I’m going to do my best to exercise and eat well, which should give my body the tools to feel better. I’ve got some other plans I’ll got into more detail about soon.
Mostly, I’m just admitting I cannot do this alone anymore – the weight, the depression, the pain – just living a good life. It has all buried me lately and I’m trying to dig my way out. I never understood depression until it happened to me, and like so many things in life, you’d don’t really get it until you go through it yourself.
I like the days when it is sunny outside and my kitties cuddle me and my microwave lunch has a tasty peach dessert (which I thought was an apple dessert until I read the package) and I’m excited about my job and there is good TV on.
I don’t like the days when it is rainy outside and my cats have tufts of hair in their mouths and blood on their noses and lunch is abandoned for the donuts in the break room and my job is stressful and I have to wait until tomorrow to download Battlestar Galactica.
Most frustratingly, I don’t get to control the days. I cannot make it rain or shine. I cannot make my cats love each other. I cannot make myself hate sugar and chocolate. I don’t control the TV schedule or my workplace in a bad economy. I can’t do much to mediate my moods, other than take my pills and exercise and avoid all those things the doctors told me to avoid, like caffeine, liquor, and staying up late, or in other words, “fun.” I try to stay active, to distract myself, to stay happily productive, but it never lasts forever.
So when I am feeling happy I ride that wave as far as I can. I am so grateful for the stupid, simple things, like a cup of caramel flavored coffee and an egg-white omelet or my electric bugaloo fish swimming at my desk. I cherish every kitten kiss. And when I am sad I try to remember it won’t last forever and maybe someday life will be as good as it used to be. Other days I think I should move somewhere sunnier and live as simply as possible with whatever income I can scratch together. Other days I am so grateful to have a job when my friends are unemployed and depressed.
Back and forth, to and fro, playing out on the mood swing.
