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The perfect man

I am old enough that I remember when movies didn’t play ads or trivia slides before the show. You sat in the theater and listened to an endless loop of pop music before the trailers finally came on. I’m not a fan of the ads, particularly considering that I have paid for the privilege to sit in the theater and watch them. Don’t get me started on how stupid the movietickets.com ads are.

However, this weekend I saw an ad before the show that actually made me laugh because it was so true. Tell me, is this not the perfect man? (Well, perfect for as long as he lasted, which would not be long in my house.)


I stared at the candy display rack for a moment before I grabbed two Cadbury creme eggs and a chocolate covered marshmallow heart. Then I started walking towards the ice cream aisle. In my way was a blonde man in a black leather jacket who was walking slowly towards me while holding a grocery basket . He kind of looks like my brother, I thought. Oh, crap. He is my brother!

I palmed the chocolate in my right hand and waved at him with my left. Ha! So funny to see you here I said, and Yeah, just finished my workout he said, and Like the new hair color I said, and Like your new haircut he said, and we continued to chit chat. In his basket were no-sugar-added fudge pops and lean ground beef and other disgustingly healthy items.

“So, what are you getting here?” He asked. I wasn’t sure if he knew the answer already, but I looked at the tile floor embarrassed.

“Uh, I was buying…chocolate,” I said as I showed him the creamy partially […]

Scenes from the biergarten

Last Thursday I forgot I’d lost 200 pounds.

More accurately, I ran into someone from college and I forgot that the last time he saw me I weighed twice as much as he does. I was at the local biergarten for an annual alumni association mixer, catching up with my old friend and I totally forgot I looked like a different person than I did four years ago. It was probably shocking for him to see my much skinnier self traipsing amongst the picnic tables, even though he’s read my blog and knew I’d lost weight. I don’t know if I would have said something about it if I had remembered, but it’s weird that the thought didn’t even cross my mind.

I used to wish I would run into old friends, teachers, or mailmen so I could show off my weight loss to them. I fantasized about shocking people I had known and seeing their surprise at my transformation. Now, I don’t really care, and as I said in my last entry, the gasps kind of […]

Merry Christmas

PastaQueen will not be posting today because she is currently in a sugar coma. In lieu of flowers, please send insulin. And don’t dare send any more chocolates.

Playing with your food

I’ve bitten into chocolate rabbits. I’ve snacked on chocolate eggs. And if you live in New York, next week, you can see a naked, chocolate Jesus (or you can just visit the website here). I’m curious about how you go about making a confectionary sculpture of the savior. Do you make a big mold and pour the chocolate in? Do you start with a big block and start chipping away with a chisel or your front teeth? And how do you prevent it from melting?

According to the press release , the sculpture was supposed to be displayed last Easter along with several chocolate statues of clothed saints, meaning it’s at least half a year old. Whenever I’ve discovered an ancient chocolate bar in the back of the cupboard it has a dusty white film on it. I bet Jesus has a bad case of dandruff and scabies by now. According to the Wikipedia chocolate accumulates this white dust when fat and sugar crystals rise to the surface after improper storage. (Thanks to Chicken Girl for […]

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Man looking into telescope

Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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