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My body doesn’t have a warranty

I was 21 years old when I looked in the mirror in the computer science building’s bathroom and saw the first grey hairs growing out of my scalp. It was that same year that I started to see small grey flecks of dust in my vision when I looked up at a clear blue sky or at a white wall. My eye doctor told me these were floaters, little blobs of protein that develop in the fluid in your eyeball. Near-sighted people like me get them quite frequently.

A couple years later I woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to scoop my gallbladder out with a spoon. The surgeon did it with a scalpel and a tiny camera instead, and I was only 24. Then my knees started to hurt when I climbed up the stairs. By this point I’d also lost track of how many cavities I’d had filled, caused by too much Mountain Dew and too little dental floss.

A friend my age told me over dinner she is fighting acid […]

PastaQueen wants her groove back

I’ve been feeling out of my groove lately. It’s a lot of things. Things that I shall slap numbers in front of in a handy list format.

1) The winter. I should move to the equator where there are no seasons and I can sit outside and sweat all my weight off. The days here have gotten shorter and it’s so much harder to convince myself to work out in the morning when I can’t find my dumbbells without turning on a light switch. Dear Australians, please give me back the sun. I miss it. I miss going out on the trail too or taking my bike for a ride. Never mind that my back tire is flat and my bike is 13 years old and I need to pony up some cash for a new one before I can go riding. I just miss exercising outdoors. Which leads me to…

2) Workout burnout. I need to spice up my workout routine. I’m getting tired of the same old weights and Pilates and running regimen. I need something new, […]

Please don’t poke the fat girl

Back in high school, Deirdre Barnes poked my belly on the school bus and giggled. I giggled too because I am ticklish everywhere I have skin.

“Why’d you do that?” I asked, confused.

“You’re so jiggly,” she said. It had never occurred to me that a thin person might not know what rolls of belly flab felt like. I didn’t like being poked. I hadn’t given her permission to feel me up. But I understand her curiosity now. I didn’t know what a thin person’s body felt like either. The closest I’d come to feeling up a six-pack was when I’d grab a Mountain Dew from the fridge.

I still haven’t felt up six-pack abs, but I’m sometimes surprised by how firm my body is becoming. When I but my hands on my sides I can feel solid muscle beneath my thin layer of fat. If I squeeze my thighs, there is extra skin and adipose tissue, but I also feel the ungiving firmness of muscle. My scale says I’m about 30% fat now, which means 70% of […]

Move along, nothing to see here

There used to be an entry here that was a little bit too morbidly humorous. I realized it was in bad taste and removed it. I goofed up and I’m sorry. I apologize for offending anyone and I promise not to write any more entries at 7:00 in the morning before I dash off to work.

Why don’t you look at cute kitties and puppies instead?

Bony Ass

My butt hurts. Not right now, but after I’ve been sitting in my office chair for awhile my bum becomes a bit sore. I might need to just sit up straighter, since many of you have commented that I have the posture of a silly straw. But (heh), I think my butt may just be less padded these days. My tailbone has less layers of fat to poke through, so I start to feel like I’ve been riding a bicycle though I haven’t been pedaling anywhere. I certainly expect to feel a little sore after riding to the park and back on my bike, but office work shouldn’t be this uncomfortable, right?

In other amazing body news, I’ve noticed that I can squat all the way down to the floor and then stand back up without grasping for the kitchen counter. After I’ve been sitting on the floor stretching, I can bend my knees, put my arm on the floor and fling my back up into a standing position. And when I’m sitting on the couch […]

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Man looking into telescope

Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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