Filed Under: binge eating

Some days you feel like a nut, some days you don’t

March 12, 2008 at 8:17 am

While there are some days when I want to drive to Marsh and stuff an entire stuffed-crust pizza in my mouth, there are also days when I come home wishing I wanted to binge but have to admit I’m just not feeling it. Last night was one of those nights. I was tired from work. I went out of my way to get diet cat food at PetSmart, and then got stuck in traffic for 20 minutes because a Thunderbird stalled in the left lane of traffic. My head still hurts a little all the time. I had no energy.

In the car and on the couch, my thoughts kept coming back to, “What can I eat to make myself feel better?” I think I just do that out of habit though. There wasn’t anything I was craving. I didn’t feel like chocolate donuts. I nixed Snickerdoodles. I thought about eating a lot of baked apple oatmeal, but eh, it didn’t sound right. When I listened to my body, I realized I didn’t even feel hungry, I was just thinking about dinner because I usually eat at around 6:30. So I at a reasonable dinner and went into my bedroom and watched a movie instead and continued to feel run down as I watched Logan’s Run. (There’s not as much running in that movie as you’d think.)

As I watched the movie, I did start to crack a little. I still wasn’t feeling the madness I did when I binged last month, but I kept thinking about eating something out of habit since that’s usually how I make myself feel better. I tried telling myself it was just low serotonin levels or wacky brain chemicals making me feel this way and oatmeal wasn’t going to fix that. That didn’t really work. But I had my cat curled on my stomach and I didn’t want to disturb him. I also kept coming back to the numbers on the scale lately and how I’d like for them to keep going down and not up. So I stayed in bed and I didn’t pig out. Getting out of visual range of the kitchen and trapping myself under a small furry animal while watching 70’s science fiction seemed to work. After about 90 minutes the urge to eat passed and I was fine again. It was bizarre. Usually I lose those battles and just go run the next day. (And that’s why I haven’t lost the last 20 pounds.) It was cool to actually work through the crazy and win. Now that I’ve done it once, I might have the confidence that I can do it again.

Vampire eating

February 29, 2008 at 7:16 am

Sometimes healthy living is so easy for me. I eat my snacks at the scheduled hours. I have a salad for dinner and genuinely enjoy it. I walk past boxes of Girl Scout cookies in the office kitchen without reaching my hand out to grab a bite and it’s not hard at all. Then there are nights when I’m sitting in the Marsh parking lot at 8:00 at night thinking, “There is something seriously wrong with me.” Because it is not normal to eat a box of ice cream sandwiches, two donuts, God-only-knows-how-many bowls of oatmeal, and a lot of other stuff I can’t remember two weeks later, and still want to drive to the grocery store to buy a stuffed-crust pizza.

Thankfully, it’s been so long since I bought a Tombstone stuffed-crust pizza that they seem to have stopped making them, or my Marsh just doesn’t stock them, so that was one small chip of the iceberg my personal Titanic avoided. I did wander around the freezer section for literally 15 minutes trying to decide if I wanted to buy another pizza or a Lean Pocket or a box of mozzarella sticks. Ultimately I decided that if I was going to cheat I wanted it to be with the lover I wanted and not his ugly cousin, so I only purchased some paninis and fudge pops I needed anyway.

I’ve partaken in vampire eating habits more frequently recently. My cravings play nice during the day and bare their fangs at night. Even if I get rid of all my favorite binge foods, I just plow into what I can find. I’m trying to remember if I’ve always behaved like this, and I don’t really know. When I was younger, I didn’t give a shit about what I ate. I’d eat half a gallon of ice cream and didn’t feel bad about it at all because I never dieted. I also gained 200 pounds. The difference now seems to be that I actually care about what I shovel into my pie hole, especially if it’s a whole pie. I’m actually trying to resist the urges, which I didn’t really do before.

I’ve never known what to think about the concept of “food addiction.” Even after my abnormal binge, I’m still not sure what to think. The term “addiction” implies to me that you need to give up whatever you are addicted to. How can you give up food? When I read the definition for compulsive overeating at Wikipedia, it doesn’t jive with my experiences. Even when I was driving to Marsh, I didn’t feel out of control. I knew exactly what I was doing and I didn’t care. I also didn’t eat any quicker than normal during my binge. And I’ve never felt intense depression or guilt over it. I’m telling the whole freakin’ Internet. How guilty could I actually feel? Reflecting on the event now, I’m unhappy that it happened and I’d like to prevent it from happening again, but I don’t feel a need to apologize to anyone for it or to be ashamed for what I did. I like to eat. I probably gained two pounds. Whoop-dee-doo! I only felt guilty when I parked in a spot really close to the store. I usually park way far away and walk.

A part of me wonders if there’s anything wrong with going on a crazy binge every now and then. Assuming you have good cholesterol, normal blood-pressure, and all that jazz, does it matter if you stuff a box of cookies in your mouth once a month? If you get shit-faced drunk several times a year, is it really a problem assuming that you don’t drive drunk and you don’t cause liver damage? It’s a conundrum.

The only thing I connected with in the entry about food addiction is the theory that it is a mechanism to increase serotonin levels in the brain. On the day of my binge, I felt incredibly down for no reason that I could think of. I just wanted to sit around all day and I felt unmotivated to do anything (except eat, obviously). I don’t usually feel like that, but if I did, it’s possible I might go on crazy binges more often. I don’t know. I know some people are really into figuring out all the emotional and psychological issues associated with eating. Personally, I’m not that interested in it as long as I’m doing okay. If I get obese again, I’d probably explore it. I consider eating to be a complex behavior motivated by many components including emotion, hunger, and the content of your diet. Sometimes I wonder if thinking about food so much just makes me hungry, like catching an ad for McDonalds on TV makes me want to get a Big Mac.

BTW, this happened two weeks ago and nothing insane like it has happened since, so there is no need to reassure me or hug me or whatever. I thought about not mentioning it at all, but I prefer to be honest. I also want people to know that you can go completely off the rails sometimes and get right back on track. I’ve been exercising and eating well since then and I’ve lost all the weight I gained that night.

A whole year of half of me, omnivore Q’s, and Wilma, where are you?

February 24, 2008 at 5:02 pm

It’s been a whole year since I became half of myself! While the last couple months have been tough – changing jobs, fighting the winter blahs, and experiencing train-gain – I can still stand naked on that scale in the morning and weigh-in under 186. I only ask that you respect my modesty and not actually imagine me standing naked on the scale in the morning.

Monday night, Michael Pollan will be speaking at Butler University here in Indianapolis. Pollen wrote The Omnivore’s Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals and recently released In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto which are all about food, which you should all know I am a fan of. I had the full intention of reading these books before attending the lecture tomorrow night, but unfortunately this requires actually scanning the words with my eyes as I flip pages and not just setting the book on the shelf I have entirely dedicated to my library books. (Confession: I am the world’s slowest reader.) So, if anyone actually has read these books, feel free to post any questions you’d like me to try to ask Mr. Pollan. I don’t know if I’ll actually get to ask him anything, but if I do I’d love to pretend to know what I’m talking about.

I have already notified and received confirmation from Andrea and Laura, two winners of the Everlast tank top giveaway. However, the third winner, Wilma (who’s email address starts with the letters “whov”) has not yet replied to my e-mails. Wilma, where are you? If you are reading this please e-mail me from your winning address so I can mail you your prize. Otherwise I’m going to draw another name.

Stop the conveyor belt

April 13, 2007 at 8:07 am

I have never been sure if I was a binge eater. I’m still not sure.

I know I used to eat some wacky stuff. I’d sometimes make frosting just to lick it off of spoons. I loved crunching on frozen orange concentrate crystals. And surely everyone has eaten an entire box of Twinkies over a weekend, right? Right? Hello? Why aren’t you answering me?

Though that eating behavior was rather atrocious, I usually felt in control of it. I was eating a can of frosting because I wanted to, not because I couldn’t stop. And I’m pretty sure I always stopped when I was full. From what I’ve read, binge eaters usually eat rapidly. They’ll eat even when they’re full or not actually hungry. I typically ate this food alone, which is a binging behavior. But who would eat orange concentrate in public anyway? I get strange enough looks for admitting I like to eat Ramen noodles raw.

Yesterday Marla was saying she’d never binged like someone who ate a pint of ice cream in one sitting. My first thought was, “A pint of ice cream really isn’t a binge is it? It’s not like it was a gallon. It comes in that cute little cardboard cup because that’s the proper serving size, right?” My second thought was “The fact that I even have to ask these questions proves that I am somewhat screwed up.”

There are some occasions where I do feel like the off switch in my brain has been broken off. Normally my eating is like the conveyor belt in the checkout line of the grocery store that automatically scrolls forward until a box of oatmeal or can of olives breaks the infrared beam right before the scanning plate to stop the motion. That’s all fine until you throw on a pack of gum or a bag of shredded cheese which slips under the beam and keeps plowing your purchases into the crack between the belt and the metal scanner. Sometimes my beam doesn’t get tripped and I just want to keep eating and eating even though I know I should just stop the damn conveyor belt shoving food into my mouth.

Luckily this doesn’t happen often, but some foods are prone to trigger it. Muffins. Cake. Ice cream. I can be halfway through eating a muffin and I’ve already decided I want to eat another one. My mind can’t even focus on the pleasure in the present without wanting to draw that pleasure out even longer. I don’t want one piece of cake, I want three. Are there actually people in the world who can eat one piece of cake and not go for another slice because they actually don’t want it and not because they would be embarrassed to be seen pigging out? How can anyone eat just one piece of cake without tying themselves to the couch with a knotted up afghan? Again, the fact that I’m asking these questions makes me wonder about my pathology on this subject.

After Easter dinner, at which I literally did eat about half of an angel food cake/pineapple pudding cream concoction topped with raspberries, blueberries and strawberries, I brought home some of the stuffed feta and spinach salmon we’d had as the main course. I intended to just put it in the fridge, but I ended up dumping it on a plate and eating 2/3 of it, even though I was way past full. This was extremely odd behavior for me. I can’t recall doing anything like that in the last couple of years, if ever. I don’t know what triggered it, other than the fact that I’d declared Easter a free day so perhaps I was trying to make the most of it, though I don’t think that’s entirely it.

The next day I just went back to my regular routine. No binging. I ran. Did some Pilates. I have no plans to make frosting or buy orange concentrate. So I’m left wondering, am I really a binge eater? Was this like one drunken night of revelry anyone might have or am I like an alcoholic that went on a bender, but now has to get right back on the wagon? I dunno. I’ve heard tales of people eating entire bags of Oreos, but I never ate *that* much in one sitting and don’t really relate to those stories. Maybe I am a binge eater and I’m just too close to the behavior to see it. Maybe I can’t remember all those times I ate an entire box of Papa John’s cheese bread because I simply considered it to be normal.

Whatever it is, the types of food I tend to eat now don’t trigger the binging behavior and I usually avoid the foods that do. Maybe that’s the best I can hope for. I don’t want to ask people to stop making tasty desserts just because I’m around. I like tasty desserts. Even if I binge on them, if I only do it occasionally I don’t see anything wrong with that. But I also know that if I lived a life where I was constantly surrounded by pastry carts, I might not be so thin right now.

I’m sure some of you will have opinions about whether I am a binge eater or not, but I don’t know if I particularly care if I can label myself one or the other. Labeling things sometimes seems more academic than useful. I know sometimes I like eating something so much that I don’t want to stop eating it. Is that much different from liking reading a book so much that I don’t want to put it down or enjoying a TV show so much that I watch an entire season on DVD in a day? The only difference seems to be that eating too much can be harmful to your health, whereas I’ve never heard of anyone being killed by a book or being swallowed by a sinkhole of butt impressions in a couch. You might be crushed by a bookcase though, which is why you should always get a ladder to fetch the book off the top shelf and never attempt climbing up the shelves. Maybe if reading more than 10 pages a day made you sick, there would a lot of ill bookworms out there.

Filed Under: binge eating

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