Okay, I fell off the wagon. I admit it. Consider me back on it. My motivation? My body is having serious troubles. My knees have started hurting in the last month when I get up from my bed. I’ve been fatigued lately and when I get up from my chair at work after sitting down, I feel light headed. Last week at work I had what felt like a mild heart attack, with pain under my heart. And again last night, I had the same pain. I lied there, cat curled up under me knees, wondering if I was going to, as in the immortal words of Y Kan’t Tori Read, have a heart attack at 23. Even though people keep telling me that obesity can kill me, I don’t think I really “get” that until I am keeled over in pain somewhere, suddenly remorseful for ignoring what is a SERIOUS problem. Yes, capital letters, bold.

So, that’s the negative. My body is finally starting to collapse under my willful neglect. Let’s get to the good news. I have been eating pretty well lately. I haven’t bought lunch for weeks, bringing a healthy meal in my lunch bag daily. I have a “sensible dinner” and have hardly binged at all. Yes, there were 1 or 2 incidents with Cadbury Eggs and Peeps, but let’s learn from them and move on. Also a positive, I got a Smoothie blender for Christmas and have been using it fervently, making smoothies 2 or 3 times a week. So now I’m getting my milk and fruits. Yay! Even more positive, Mum bought a treadmill! Yipee! I can exercise now! I did my first walk tonight, going for just 10 minutes. I want to work up slowly and be careful not to hurt myself. When I lost weight the summer after high school I ended up screwing up my leg for a week and it was a serious bitch not being able to walk. These spurts of motivation dissipate so easily. I’m also going to start doing some weight exercises again. I’d love to have an Angela Bassett toned body, but that’s still a bit down the road. I gotta start somewhere though.

My current goals are to maintain my good eating habits, start walking at least 5 times a week after work, and start weight training. I wish I had access to a scale that can actually register my weight, but I don’t, so I’ll just have to keep checking the scale until it registers me. Then I can start a weight chart. I’d estimate that I weigh about 370 pounds right now and I ultimately want to weigh 160. I want to lose 10 pounds a month, so that gives me 20 months to achieve my goals. One year and 8 months. A long time, but I’m getting older anyway.

I feel so empowered right now, like there is something to really look forward to, like I have power. And that’s what being beautiful is about really, isn’t it? Having power over people, controlling their behavior simply by exisiting as something they want. My body has never inspired want or desire and I’m thirsty for those feelings. I have a dream that at 25 I’ll finally be skinny, that I’ll be confident and comfortable in my body that I can make friends. In 2 years, I might start looking around for a job more in the interactive arts, and I’ll feel so confident interviewing and won’t constantly be second guessing my appearence.

Dream body, I will have you, oh yes I will. And I will literally work my fat ass off for you. Which reminds me, there is a mirror right behind the treadmill, so I was able to turn around and see myself walking from behind. Yee gads! I look disgusting walking around.