So, last week I split my pants.
Thankfully I was at home, and the only person who saw a flash of my clean white undies was my roommate (and possibly the two cats). Regardless of what we ultimately blame for this incident, be it the textile industry or the size of my ass, one cannot ignore that this is a stereotypically fat-person thing to do. I may as well have sat on a chair which collapsed beneath me. As I mentioned on Wednesday, I clearly need help.
If my life were an episode of that old VH1 series, “Behind the Music,” this moment in my life would be the time when I hit rock bottom after spiraling downward in a heroin and cocaine fueled whirlwind, only I used ice cream and chocolate instead. For those of you just entering the story, I developed a chronic headache two years ago that really f*$%ed me up. It changed the way I thought about food, making me see it more as a coping mechanism than I ever had before.
While we can blame at least 80% of my weight gain on the pain, depression and medications, the headache excuse is getting a bit old. At this rate, I might try blaming the poor economy and the high unemployment rate on my headache too. It has become the easy excuse for anything that is going wrong, just like being fat used to be. I’ve been managing my headache a lot better this year, and there’s no reason that I should be gaining weight. The real reason is that I haven’t been on the case lately, and because last December I snuck down some chimneys to eat cookies people just left lying around for some Santa person. When I braved the scale on Monday, I discovered I had gained ten pounds in one week.
Which explains why my pants split. But, I’m not one to wallow or whine. Instead, I’ve decided this is my theme song for 2010:
For those of you at work who can’t turn your speakers on, the song is “One More Time” by Daft Punk. It’s happy and upbeat and as the lyrics repeat over and over, we’re going to do this “one more time.” Fitting, because I’m going to do it one more time. Grand total, I’ve gained 50 pounds from the weight I felt comfortable at and maintained for a year and a half. It sucks, but it’s hardly unusual. Unfortunately people gain back weight all the time.
I have decided that when I fill out my National Weight Control Registry form next year I am going to be reporting a loss. I have decided that when I weigh in at my doctor’s office, the numbers will be going down. I have decided that I am going to lose the weight again and keep it off, and anyone who says that’s impossible can bite me (preferably in the thigh, which is high in cellulite).
I could look at my weight gain as a purely bad thing, but I will look at it as an opportunity to achieve another goal I can be proud of. I will be the girl who regained 50 pounds and then lost it and didn’t gain it back. *fingers crossed* Which is why I like the Daft Punk song. It is happy and talks about celebrating one more time, and that’s just what we’re going to do. As anyone who watched “Behind the Music” knows, the story always ends triumphantly with a comeback. I am all fired up and I have a plan!
I think my thinking is what’s really different from when I was thinner. Two years ago I wouldn’t have considered ordering the stuffed cinnamon pancakes at Bob Evans, and last week I barely cared that I did. When I first lost weight, I learned all the nutrition and fitness information I had been lacking all my life, so I’m certain I know how to lose weight now. I need to get back into the proper mindset to make it happen. That’s why I’m doing The Beck Diet Solution, which is a six-week cognitive therapy program that is supposed to help with behavior modification. I’ll be updating you on how that goes. I’ve got my note cards and my pen and my journal with the dopey cover that I got from Hallmark. How can I fail?
I’m not going to weigh in here, because I think that would drive me five kinds of crazy. I do have a little widget in the bottom right of the page from Traineo that says how many pounds I have to go. I’m setting my first goal to just lose 20 pounds, then we’ll go from there.
I also have to admit, I debated whether to write about this publicly. I wrote a weight-loss memoir two years ago, and I know a lot of newbies will be arriving here because of new year’s diet resolutions. I was concerned they’d see this post and think, “Well, this girl is obviously a big failure. I’m not going to buy her book! In fact, I’ll write the publisher and demand they burn every existing copy!” Ultimately though, I decided it’s just best to be honest, and to never give up on what you want. (And hey, if you buy it, there’s still time to win that free camera!)
The only good thing about this, besides the chance to prove myself again, is that my favorite pair of brown corduroys fit again! They were my “goal pants” back when I was trying to lose weight in college. Those pants reminded me that I’ve been way fatter than I am now, so things could be a lot worse. Anyway, here’s to the first 20 pounds in 2010!