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Review and Giveaway: Mary Lou’s Weigh Platform

PastaQueen reviews Mary Lou’s Weigh Platform and suspects Bela Karolyi might be a vampire.

Mary Lou's Weigh Platform

Disclosure: I was sent the Mary Lou’s Weigh platform for free in exchange for an unbiased review of the product.

Mary Lou Retton is an Olympic gymnast who won a gold medal in 1984 and has recently developed the Mary Lou’s Weigh Platform, a scale which is not really a scale. Instead, the platform secretly records how much you weigh the first time you step on it and then tells you how much weight you’ve lost or gained since your initial weight.

When I say it tells you how much weight you’ve lost, I mean that literally. Mary Lou’s recorded voice not only relays your results, she gives you tips about eating protein and drinking more water. When you reach a new low weight, you get a round of applause. Every time you lose 10 pounds, the platform resets, part of a strategy to break huge weight-loss goals down into more manageable intermediate goals.

I like the philosophy behind the scale and the emphasis put on fitness and health rather than weight, particularly in the included booklet, DVD and the web site. Mary Lou has 4 daughters and has never allowed a scale in her house because she doesn’t want them to obsess over a number. I also empathize with people who are scared to look at the number on a scale. When I first weighed myself over four years ago I was scared to look at the number for fear that I’d crossed the 400-pound mark. Mary Lou’s Weigh Platform is a good way to track progress without becoming overly focused on a number.

However, it’s also kind of cheesy. I know Mary Lou Retton is not actually talking to me. I know the applause is not real. It’s just a computer giving me feedback. I find it annoying that the scale is trying to act like a person when it is clearly not a person. It is the same annoyance I feel when I call for customer service and an automated phone attendant asks me to say what department I want. I’d prefer just to see a + or – number on the scale rather than hear the voice, just like I’d rather hit a touch tone pad than to enunciate “Yes” or “No” creepily into the phone when everyone at work eyes me oddly.

Also, I know “perky” is her brand, but she’s just a bit too chipper for me to take, particularly early in the morning when I weigh myself. The designers of the platform seem to have anticipated this response though, including this Q & A in the user booklet:

“If I shoot my Platform, will it still work??”

Unfortunately, the Platform isn’t bulletproof. It will no longer work, if you shoot it.

“If I tell my Platform to ‘shut up!’ will Mary Lou Retton get her feelings hurt?”

Mary Lou will not take it personally if you need to express yourself during your daily weighing.

The scale also won’t work well for the hearing impaired or for people who don’t want to wake up their family in the morning. It is however very good for scaring cats who stumble upon the platform and tear off for the bedroom in terror at the chipper voice of Mary Lou telling them to “Step on the platform!”

The package also includes a booklet called “Lite reading” which is nicely designed visually and includes a lot of practical weight loss advice, though it’s nothing you wouldn’t find in the latest issue of Prevention or Women’s Health, just like the advice Mary Lou gives you after you weigh in. It sounds like a good idea in theory, to deal out small amounts of information daily, but I don’t want my scale telling me to drink more water. Duh, I know this. Just shut up already.

Evidently, in the future you will be able to buy cartridges that include new advice to preserve your sanity after Mary Lou has told you to eat more protein for the 30th time. They are not currently available on the site though. If they were, I’d be tempted to buy one just so I could hack it with my own advice. I have friends with soldering irons and deviant minds who could be of great help :)

The platform also comes with a DVD which includes an interview with Mary Lou that has that same bizarro quality found in any infomercial. Really, is anyone ever this happy to talk about a scale that is not a scale?

No one is this excited to talk about a platform

There was also a moment when I thought the universe might implode upon itself when Mary Lou stepped on her own platform and got advice from herself. It was like the moment in Being John Malkovich when he dives inside his own mind.

Mary Lou, don't do it! The universe might collapse!

The DVD also includes answers to frequently asked questions, instructions on how to use the platform, and video of Mary Lou’s 1984 victory, which I will admit, was hella inspiring. It also revealed that Bela Karolyi is so ancient he may well be a vampire.

 Bela Karolyi  might be a vampire

The platform appears to be a gateway to get people involved in Mary Lou’s website, which could hypothetically include more products in the future featuring her brand name. I like the attitude and the intent behind the program and I find it admirable that Mary Lou admits on the DVD that losing 20 pounds was one of the hardest things she had to do. I’m also glad to see her endorsing a healthy approach to weight management, particularly considering how screwed up gymnasts can be encouraged to be about their body image. As Mary Lou says:

People who know me understand that I don’t believe in quick fixes,” explains Mary Lou. “When it comes to weight loss or any goal, what’s required is a commonsense plan, proven tools, achievable goals and ongoing motivation.


Overall, I think Mary Lou’s Weigh Platform is a good idea that could still use some tweaking.

And now, you have a chance to win Mary Lou’s Weigh Platform! I’m sure there are a lot of people out there just starting their weight loss programs who would benefit from having this platform. For half a nanosecond, I thought of giving it to my brother who is in need of a scale, and then collapsed on the carpet in a fit of giggles resembling an epileptic seizure. This is definitely a girl’s scale.

To win the platform, you must be a US resident or be willing to have the platform shipped to a US address. (Sorry, I’m shipping this myself and don’t want to pay for international shipping.) To enter, you have until 11:59pm on Wednesday, January 7, 2009 to leave a comment on this entry with a phrase you wish Mary Lou would say when you step on the platform. A winner will then be chosen randomly. Good luck!

This contest is now closed

Chocolate & Vicodin: My Quest for Relief from the Headache that Wouldn't Go Away
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Liz • January 3, 2009 at 1:46 pm

“Good Lord Lady, it’s time to put down the cookies.”


Laura • January 3, 2009 at 2:00 pm

I’d like a scale that asks, “Did you work out yet today?”


Carolina Girl • January 3, 2009 at 2:04 pm

If it’s a gain I’d like it to say “It’s probably just water weight.” If it’s a loss, I’d like it to say “You’re a rock star and no one is cooler than you!” Ha!


Sue B • January 3, 2009 at 2:07 pm

“French fries are not your friends.”


Amy • January 3, 2009 at 2:11 pm

I’d like a scale that just tells it you straight – like the Wii fit does. “Overweight!” or “Normal!”. I also heard the Wii fit tell someone to “lay off the afternoon snacks”.


Lauren • January 3, 2009 at 2:21 pm

If it happened to be a gain week, I wouldnt mind the scale saying, “one at a time please” :)


Kelli • January 3, 2009 at 2:35 pm

Excllent review! :)

For a gain – “Easy does it! Next time, step lightly!”

For a loss – ” How strong are you? You’re TOO strong! Great job this week!”


EG • January 3, 2009 at 2:37 pm

“You carry it very well, though.”


Amy • January 3, 2009 at 2:39 pm

I think it would be awesome if the scale would tell me that I have a pretty face when I gain. :) Or maybe that would just be depressing. Hard to say.

Sounds awesome, though! :)


Carrie • January 3, 2009 at 2:44 pm

It sounds annoying yet useful all at the same time. I think I need one. I’m too scared to step on a real scale.

I need her to tell me “Get your ass to the gym!”


Merry • January 3, 2009 at 2:57 pm

Good review! (In other words, I pretty much agree with you.)

I’m trying this scale out, as it happens. Is there a way to get the info about the poundage without the chipper chirpy someone-get-me-a-hammer messages? I think I got distracted by the typo in the manual and missed that information.


Azar • January 3, 2009 at 3:05 pm

If i gained weight I would want it to say “No more TV for you lazy butt!”, then actually cut the power to the TV.


Clio • January 3, 2009 at 3:09 pm

“Way to go, tiger!” I love it when appliances call me “tiger”.


Beverly • January 3, 2009 at 3:11 pm

I would like her to tell me how well I did in terms of a performance. Like “I give you a 8.5 for effort” and then at the end of the month I would get a gold medal! Well, let’s be real, I would probably get a bronze but still it would be fun.

Hope I win! I really, really want a scale without numbers.


Steph G • January 3, 2009 at 3:23 pm

I think it should say:

“you did so great! be proud of yourself!”

“make sure you try harder this week.”

“do an extra cardio session today!”


Megan • January 3, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Good Job…. You dont have to wait 4 years to be a weight loss gold medalist!


s • January 3, 2009 at 3:35 pm

“an excellent floor routine!”


vague • January 3, 2009 at 3:53 pm

How about, “WHOA, there’s a little too much junk in that trunk!”

Seriously, though, this is the kind of scale I’ve been wishing they’d make! I want to know about my gains and losses, but I’m not so interested in (a.k.a. terrified about) the number I actually weigh now.


Amy • January 3, 2009 at 3:59 pm

I would like a scale (or anyone, really) to tell me… “Oh, you’re getting too thin. Really. Have a cookie.”


Beth • January 3, 2009 at 4:05 pm

“No pain, no gain. But I’ll make an exception for you!”


Monica • January 3, 2009 at 4:06 pm

If you gain she would ask,

“When are you due?” :0


“Lose the jelly belly girlfriend”


Amber • January 3, 2009 at 4:10 pm

I would like her to say in her most chipper voice ‘Morning Sunshine!!! Sleep well?!?’


Rachel • January 3, 2009 at 4:14 pm

I would like Mary Lou to mock Bela Karolyi and say, “I don’t care if you have a broken ankle- get to the gym!”


moonduster • January 3, 2009 at 4:25 pm

I’d like it to tell me, “One at a time, please” when my weight is going up!


Liska • January 3, 2009 at 4:29 pm

What a great review. Good on you for being so brutally honest even though it was sent to you. You were so objective and thorough, no one can argue with that.

Thank you for a great read.


Di • January 3, 2009 at 4:37 pm

I like my scales seen and not heard. I can only imagine the violence I would do to this scale – I am the woman who committed infanticide of Furby.


scfrogprincess • January 3, 2009 at 4:38 pm

Is there a weight limit on this scale, or does it mention it?

I love the “one at a time please”!

I would have her say for a gain: “I’m a gymnist, not a weightlifter!”

for a lose: “Have you lost weight? Your ass feels lighter!”


LAUREN HIGGINS • January 3, 2009 at 4:40 pm



Jen • January 3, 2009 at 4:43 pm

Loss: “Kiera Knightly is a cow.”

Gain: “Don’t worry. You have fantastic boobs.”



Betsy • January 3, 2009 at 4:51 pm

I can think of a few…

“Are you really standing on the scale? You’re so light!”

“You look great, you don’t need to loose weight!”

“This weight gain is not your fault you know”

“You deserve a treat!”

I would really love this though!


Sue • January 3, 2009 at 4:53 pm

“You have lost too much weight this week! Try eating more chocolate to improve your status!”


Carol Warnock • January 3, 2009 at 5:01 pm

You are such a great loser!


Yet Another Jenny • January 3, 2009 at 5:11 pm

on a bad-news morning: Hey! At least you got your ass out of bed! Way to go!


Lisa • January 3, 2009 at 5:21 pm

“Thank you for weighing in today. Thank you especially for weighing in naked. That’s quite a view I have from down here.”


Lee • January 3, 2009 at 5:43 pm

You know, I’m still adjusting to machines saying things to me. My Wii Fit seems overly concerned with my sleeping habits. Anyway, this not-a-scale can say:

“Not bad, keep working!”


Jodi • January 3, 2009 at 5:52 pm

After a gain: Have you been eating hot dogs again?

When you’ve reached 8 pound loss: Congratulations, you’ve lost your mind! (Cause the brain weighs about 8 pounds, natch!)


Mary Jean • January 3, 2009 at 5:53 pm

For a gain: Please tell me you had Chinese last night and this is all water.

For a loss: Yowza! Woohoo!! Good for you!


Inny • January 3, 2009 at 5:53 pm

“Make love, not brownies”


Bunner • January 3, 2009 at 5:56 pm

“Yes, you do have a great personality, but you have a great big ass to go with it!”


Kayla • January 3, 2009 at 5:57 pm

“Don’t forget to go to the gym today.”

Somehow I seem to keep forgetting…


Byron • January 3, 2009 at 5:58 pm

“Great job, I can see that six pack already…”


Megan • January 3, 2009 at 6:01 pm

Week 1: Damn, girl. Get off me!!

Week 8: Thanks, now I can breathe.

Week 16: Keep up the good work!!

Week 24: Are you on the scale yet. I can’t even tell…


Erin • January 3, 2009 at 6:10 pm

My personal favorite that sometimes I have to repeat to myself to remember on particularly sticky days: “Fat is not a feeling!”


coolred38 • January 3, 2009 at 6:13 pm

for loss:….hey great job…every bit counts!

for gain: dont give up…theres always tomorrow!


DonnaLynn in Hawaii • January 3, 2009 at 6:16 pm

If I’d gained, I’d like it to say, “Lady, next time you walk into this bathroom, I’m hiding behind the door.”

I really wants this no-scale for my teenager who needs to MAINTAIN her weight. I want her to do like you do with the wii fit, where you have the balance section. You have to stay within the lines, maintaining your balance for a certain amount of time… and I’d like daughter to stay within a certain weight range which is healthy for her. Her body image isn’t that great even though she is literally the exact right size for her age, body structure and height.

This past year in school, her teacher told her she was “very overweight” even though she was actually UNDER weight at the time. That has really messed with her head. Teenage girls already deal with enough, then to have jacked up in the head teachers Iwho are overweight themselves) saying things like this to underweight teenage girls, it just isn’t right.


Shelley • January 3, 2009 at 6:16 pm

For a loss: “You look Marvelous” (in a Billy Crystal accent)

For a gain: “What in the HELL were you thinking eating all that food?!?” (mostly because it would be fun to make Mary Lou cuss)

I hope I win – my Wii Fit is my scale, and if I hear that bitch say “that’s obese” one more time…well, weapons may be drawn.


Sarah J • January 3, 2009 at 6:19 pm

I might have missed it…but is there a maximum weight for the scale that is not a scale?


Bethama • January 3, 2009 at 6:24 pm

Given that I’ve been on maintenance for nearly two years now: “Stop obsessing!” when I lose; “As long as your pants still fit!” when I gain. Oh, and this would be in my mother’s voice, since I don’t even know who Mary Lou IS. (I spent the first twenty years of my life under a rock. It was lovely and had cable, but I really only watched Nickleodeon.)


PastaQueen • January 3, 2009 at 6:27 pm

@Sarah J – That’s a good question. I just sent an email off to their support team about it and will get back to you if they respond.


KIm • January 3, 2009 at 6:36 pm

I think I would want her to “remind” me

to pee before I get on.

“Good Morning!! And did we do a little

tinkle before we got on the scale?? You

know it could make a .004 oz. difference?”


queenalpo • January 3, 2009 at 6:37 pm

From a very happily deaf reader:

This is way off-point, and I love, love, love your blog, but if I ever see the term “hearing-impaired” here again, I’ll… I’ll… um. I don’t know, but it’ll be worse than annoying you with perkiness, I promise.

Ahem. PC lesson over. Sowwy.


Mary Bert • January 3, 2009 at 6:38 pm

I wish Mary Lou would tell me it’s okay to be up a pound since it’s that time of the month.


PastaQueen • January 3, 2009 at 6:39 pm

@queenalpo – What is the PC term to use? I thought “hearing-impaired’ was the right one since it includes people who use hearing aids or have partial hearing.


Just Kelly • January 3, 2009 at 6:41 pm

“go pee and try again… seriously…”


mrsd • January 3, 2009 at 6:44 pm

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, today this scale likes me.”


Monica • January 3, 2009 at 6:50 pm

“Ok now take the small child off your shoulders and try this again!”

or for a more positive approach

“Congrats you’ve lost a pound! You must feel great!”



kim • January 3, 2009 at 7:24 pm

I’m not sure how I feel about a scale talking to me. I think I’d like it to play music. Something like “Eye of the Tiger” if your weight is up, and maybe some kind of sexy dance tune if you’ve lost weight. But hey – if Mary Lou wants to try to pep me up, I’ll give her a chance. :)


Tiffany • January 3, 2009 at 7:28 pm

Gain: “Seriously?!”

Loss: “Wicked Awesome”

It probably says a lot that I had about a million responses instantly pop to mind for “gain” and it took me a good 10 minutes to come up with that “brilliant” response for loss.


stephanie • January 3, 2009 at 7:28 pm

Um, did you possibly forget to take a some heavy objects out of your pockets this morning?


Brandi • January 3, 2009 at 7:33 pm

Loss: Go ahead, do a happy dance. You can’t hurt me, I’m not real.

Gain: DAMN! Are you trying to KILL me?


jEN • January 3, 2009 at 7:42 pm

WHOA! Just how much junk DO you have in the trunk!


Ellen G. • January 3, 2009 at 7:48 pm

“And you wonder why your Mii is chubby?”


Annette • January 3, 2009 at 7:52 pm

“Its fine, just water weight..don’t worry, you’ll lose it right away..”


Andrew is getting fit • January 3, 2009 at 7:53 pm

Aargh! I can’t take it anymore!


Shelley • January 3, 2009 at 8:10 pm

She’d tell me, “Curves are sexy! Bigger curves are sexier! You are hot!”

Ok seriously, how does someone design their own scale, but not know enough to take off their freaking boots when they stand on it? Those boots probably weigh a pound each, at least.


PastaQueen • January 3, 2009 at 8:19 pm

@Shelley – In fairness to Mary Lou, she does take the boots off right after she weighs in to demonstrate what happens when you have a loss. But yeah, I thought the same thing at first!


angie • January 3, 2009 at 8:21 pm

For a loss, I want to hear Mary Lou say, “A perfect 10 all around and you get the gold!”

For a gain, she could say, “Go get your keys, girlfriend. We’re going to the gym. NOW!”


Lydia • January 3, 2009 at 8:35 pm

For a gain: “That’s okay; keep trying. It’ll happen tomorrow. You’re building muscle.”

For a loss: “Don’t rest on your laurels. Keep on going. You’ll make it.”

Cliche, I know, but sometimes cliches are what we need to hear.


Becca • January 3, 2009 at 8:44 pm

“holding your breath will not lower your weight!”

haha i’m oddly intrigued by this scale… err un-scale


Jane • January 3, 2009 at 8:51 pm

@Lisa – this is by far my favorite


jen • January 3, 2009 at 8:52 pm

loss: that’s fierce!

gain: gym..NOW! hurry.. get off me and go!


Jenna • January 3, 2009 at 8:55 pm

It’d be nice if, when it went up it said “just water weight, go measure yourself!” to remind us all that its not always the number, but the inches.


Jane • January 3, 2009 at 8:56 pm

for a gain: “not a problem…i’ll (as in “the scale”) will catch up with you next week

for a loss: whoo hoo!


Cori • January 3, 2009 at 9:19 pm

For a loss: You effin’ rock!

For a gain: You gotta move it to lose it. Shake that booty!


Lauren P • January 3, 2009 at 9:21 pm

Gain: “Time to go running” or “Step away from the fridge” or “Why don’t you take something off and try again”


whitney • January 3, 2009 at 9:23 pm

“twinke toes! are you even on here?!!”


Rachael • January 3, 2009 at 9:25 pm

“It’s just a number. What are you going to do to become healthier today?”


Laura • January 3, 2009 at 9:38 pm

Gain: That size 8 is never going to fit if you don’t get serious about this!

Loss: You’re (insert number of pounds loss) pounds closer to your goal! Keep going!


Jen • January 3, 2009 at 9:42 pm

@scfrogprincess – I have one too (I also got sent one to review) and the weight limit is 330.

I wish mine would just tell me whether I was up or down without the advice, and I also wish it would say it in someone else’s voice.


Jen • January 3, 2009 at 9:44 pm

@PastaQueen – 330 — it’s in the FAQ.


kate • January 3, 2009 at 9:45 pm

Gain: Baby got back!

Loss: Baby got less back!

Cheesy, but I think it would make me laugh. :o)


Tiffany • January 3, 2009 at 9:55 pm

Gain: Only one person at a time please.

Loss: Keep on rockin!


Reva Skie • January 3, 2009 at 10:12 pm

You loook mahvelous.


Juanita • January 3, 2009 at 10:23 pm

Loss : Bringing sexy back

Gain : Hey, fatty. Start a diet already, would ya?


QueenB • January 3, 2009 at 10:35 pm

gain: shit.

loss: work it girl!


Sarah • January 3, 2009 at 10:38 pm

“WTF did you eat yesterday?”



Angel • January 3, 2009 at 10:40 pm

gain: “Were you making brownies this week?”

loss: “Way to steer clear the cookie aisle!”

I like the idea that it is just loss or gain so i wouldn’t mind weighing myself in front of other people = )


Neena • January 3, 2009 at 10:41 pm

“You’re a perfect 10!”


Jessica Nelson • January 3, 2009 at 11:02 pm

I wish Marylou would say “Jessy you Rock” when I step on it.


anji • January 3, 2009 at 11:04 pm

@PastaQueen – I thought hearing-impaired WAS politically correct… it’s better than “deaf” or “dumb”? No?

Anyways – hopefully we’ll get it figured out and by the way, as a disabled person (disabled still politcally correct??? differently abled? in-abled? what the hell, disabled)… THANK YOU for thinking about how it could affect others in this way. I wonder if future models could have a small number shown like, -1.4 pounds or +2 pounds (kg)…. it’s still showing a number but, it’s not showing the overall number.

I have a friend who would LOVE this but, she lives in the land of dykes… (it IS politically correct, I just checked!)


Lori • January 3, 2009 at 11:17 pm

It would most likely say ‘one at a time, please’… but I WISH it would say ‘next time opt out of a salted margarita rim’.


p. potter • January 3, 2009 at 11:28 pm

“Shake what your Mama gave ya!”

Thanks, Mary Lou!


Farmwife • January 3, 2009 at 11:43 pm

I’d kinda like to hear her say, “10! You’re definitely a 10!” lol


Joanna • January 3, 2009 at 11:50 pm

On gains it should say “remember beauty comes from within”

On a loss it should say “losers fo win!”


anji • January 4, 2009 at 12:27 am

@anji – found this from the site, deafnotdumb.homestead.com/pc.html

Important terminology to use for people with hearing loss. The umbrella term for all people who have hearing loss is “people with hearing loss.” The subcategories are “deaf people” and “hard of hearing people.” Please use these terms in their proper context. Do not say “the hearing impaired, the deaf, or the hard of hearing.” Use “people with hearing loss, deaf people, and hard of hearing people,” or “people who are deaf or hard of hearing.” People is the optimum word. Similarly, use “people with disabilities,” or “people who are disabled.” Don’t categorize the individual by his or her disability.


Becca • January 4, 2009 at 12:29 am

On good days, Mary Lou should tell me how amazing I am and not to let it go to my head and think that I deserve a bowl of ice cream now.

On bad days, Mary Lou should ask me if it was really worth it eating that ice cream.

I applaud any company that has the foresight to include FAQs such as those. I was a kid when Mary Lou rocked the Olympics and I’ve always kind of liked her little firecracker self.


Michelle • January 4, 2009 at 12:54 am

Gain: Has anyone told you how amazing you look lately?

Loss: Has anyone told you how amazing you look lately?


kay • January 4, 2009 at 1:36 am

i’d like it to say:

congratulations! you’ve reached your goal weight and have won a new wardrobe including shoes and handbags! in addition, a check for 1 million dollars has been deposited in your bank account. on your way to the bank, stop at your stylist’s as you’re also getting highlights to cover that grey! oh one more thing, YOU GET A CAR AND YOU GET A CAR AND YOU GET A CAR!

and then it would pinch me and say “get real! chubby. now go exercise”


Sarah • January 4, 2009 at 1:41 am

Whatever she says, I hope it’s not “whoa” like when I step on the wii fit. Maybe something like “I’m sure you have a great personality.”


Rhonda • January 4, 2009 at 1:46 am

Gain ~ (Warning siren) “Step away from the scale!!!”

Loss ~ (Wolf whistle) “Looooooking Goooood, baby!”


kyle • January 4, 2009 at 1:47 am

WOW, Mary Lou Retton is still tiny person sized. For some reason I expected her to have grown after she quit gymnastics.


earthmamma • January 4, 2009 at 5:51 am

gain: you’ve got such pretty eyes and a great smile!

loss: one step closer to your favorite jeans!


Laura • January 4, 2009 at 7:30 am

Gain: “Just a minor fluctuation. Don’t give up.”

Loss: “Your hard work is paying off!”


Linda • January 4, 2009 at 8:42 am

Loss: Way to go, that was fun, right?

Gain: WTF? OMG.


Maggie • January 4, 2009 at 9:33 am

GAIN comment: “WTF?”

LOSS comment: “WTF!”


GAIN comment: “OMG!”

LOSS Comment: “OMG!”

Obviously with different appropriate intonations!


Annette Moore • January 4, 2009 at 9:33 am

When you’ve stayed the same for a while – the platform should say – “Staying the same is better than going up … keep up the good work!”


Mareena • January 4, 2009 at 9:40 am

“oooh, honey, looks like your time of the month is extra long this week…”


Emy • January 4, 2009 at 10:52 am

If I lost weight I would like the platform to sing: “I feel good, like I knew that I would” a la James Brown. But if I gained I would simply like to hear the tuba music from “Curb your enthusiasm” that plays whenever Larry messes up.


maxie • January 4, 2009 at 11:14 am

Will you add my comments if you hack into the alternate whatever they’re calleds?

Loss: Nice!

Gain: I see you’ve fucked up again!


Ashley • January 4, 2009 at 11:55 am

Gain: “Cupcakes are great for your tastebuds, not so great for your ass.”

Loss: “Congrats, have a cupcake!”


Andrea • January 4, 2009 at 12:15 pm

You have just won the lotto.


jenn with 2 enns • January 4, 2009 at 12:17 pm

“Don’t quit now, keep on working!”

I tend to get complacent, so I’d like the reminder to keep on going.

Thanks for offering this! I hope I win!


Linzmat • January 4, 2009 at 12:19 pm

Gain: Cant…breathe…crushing…me!

Loss: (note this is with happy and not sarcastic intonation) Congratulations, you’re a loser! And your ass looks fantastic!

I’m oddly intrigued by this unscale.

I also kind of love the idea of a scale that can give you personalized messages when you gain/lose. Like a Tomtom for your rear! Imagine Mr. T saying, “I pity da foo that sits next to yo ass on the bus!”

Or the Billy Crystal, “You look mahvelous!”


kathy • January 4, 2009 at 12:37 pm

You are a perfect 10!!!!!!


Kristin • January 4, 2009 at 12:49 pm

When losing: Keep up whatever you’re doing!

When gaining: It’s ok to raspberry me!!

And thanks for your book and your blog — I love your writing. You’re so funny and so realistic.


Tina • January 4, 2009 at 1:12 pm

For a gain how about this one, “Let me introduce to my little friend… your treadmill.”

And for a loss, “Guess you didn’t have pizza this week.” Or “Is that REALLY just water weight?”

“One step at a time, one bite at time.”

“I won a gold medal and people are still stepping all over me.”

Ohh the possiblities are endless.


Sara • January 4, 2009 at 1:45 pm

There’s precious little applause coming out of my bathroom, it’d be nice to get a standing O in there every once in a while!

I’d like to step on it and hear her say “Oh no! They’re off with me lucky charms…”


Lynda • January 4, 2009 at 1:54 pm

I too am intrigued by this scale…

gain : “good gravy darln” (like Paula Deen would say it)

loss: Atta girl!! (with a smack on the bottom sound)


Ellie • January 4, 2009 at 2:12 pm

I’d like, “Would you like your weight change in pounds, stone, or milligrams?” So it would sound like more or less depending on a loss or a gain. Heh. “I lost a thousand this week! Woo-hoo!”


AquaMarine • January 4, 2009 at 2:24 pm

“Muscle weighs more than fat. You must be working out quite a bit!”


Gail • January 4, 2009 at 2:48 pm

Panty hose up…girlfriend, it’s been ___ days since you’ve stepped on


Amie • January 4, 2009 at 3:26 pm

See, I think I would LOVE this scale. Positive reinforcement is my MO. :) I think the scale should say….

“Let this be motivation to kick butt next week!” if I gained.


“Great job! You must have stayed on track this week!” if I lost weight.


Rebecca Hoover • January 4, 2009 at 4:06 pm

Gain: HOHO’s are NOT a healthfood.


Sheila • January 4, 2009 at 4:09 pm

“You look fabulous, no matter what you weigh”


“Watch out for those cookies!”


Leslie • January 4, 2009 at 4:10 pm

“Um, would you stop looking behind you to see who has put an extra foot on the platform?”


Dolores Upp • January 4, 2009 at 4:22 pm

It would be cool for Mary Lou’s voice to say, “Fiber might be an option today.”


Donna Sue • January 4, 2009 at 4:37 pm

How about “good golly miss molly” :) or “OH NO you didnt”! :) Great review on the scale by the way! Loved what you said! I’m crossin my fingers here! I havent weighed in ages but maybe MaryLou would give me the courage to step my fatass on the scale again! lol

Have a great week Janette! :)


Robyn • January 4, 2009 at 5:50 pm

Sounds hilarious! How about “Time for some New Year’s Resolutions, my dear.” Or “The holidays weren’t very good to you now, were they!”


Tina • January 4, 2009 at 6:22 pm

“More running less cookies for you, girlie!”


Neha • January 4, 2009 at 6:28 pm

Gain: “Uh-oh. Well, I’m sure you have a great personality…”

Loss: “Now, that’s what I’m talking about!”


Mary • January 4, 2009 at 6:36 pm

“Just remember…Stressed is just “desserts” spelled backwards!”


Stacy • January 4, 2009 at 7:02 pm

No more chocolate for you, young lady!!


Farah • January 4, 2009 at 7:31 pm

Ewes not fat, ewes fluffy!

Ha, not so much. It seems like this phrase seemed to be a part of a startling number of crafts that I did as a youth in my church youth program. I’d like to think they weren’t trying to tell me something and that it was a coincidence. Maybe I just remember it because it always seemed to apply more than it should have. Anyway, the crafs usually involved some kind of lamb, sheep or something that could be construed as a ‘ewe’.


Lisa TV • January 4, 2009 at 8:22 pm

Stop trying to lose weight already – you are just fine as you are! Let’s order pizza.


Katrina • January 4, 2009 at 8:26 pm

I would like Bella on there instead shouting something in Russian to the effect of “Get off your duff and do something about this weight!” (But I’m sure his version might not be as clean). :)


Melissa Fast • January 4, 2009 at 8:30 pm

“You weighed once today. Going to the bathroom will not alter your weight and scale hopping is not exercise!”


marty • January 4, 2009 at 9:30 pm

Dude, I want this so much I’m going to have to buy it if I don’t win.

How about (for a gain):

Did you take ALL your clothes off? What about your earrings? Did you go to the bathroom? Shave your legs first? No? Well, you’re fucked. Better luck next time!


Rachie • January 4, 2009 at 10:02 pm

If it’s a gain I’d like to hear, “That’s strange. Have you pooped yet today?”


Sondra • January 4, 2009 at 11:58 pm

I am reading your book right now and finding lots of encouragement to not give up. Thanks :)


Andy L • January 5, 2009 at 12:01 am

You do NOT want to supersize that!

hee hee


Catheroo • January 5, 2009 at 12:21 am

“You should put the cat down BEFORE you get on the scale.” – gain

“Your ass is looking less fat in those pants!” – loss


Jaimie • January 5, 2009 at 12:49 am

I think I enjoyed reading your readers snarky comments as much as I do yours!

this was one of my faves:

“Yes, you do have a great personality, but you have a great big ass to go with it!” (Bunner)

very funny! (In the FrankTV voice? I think I watch TBS too much…that commercial is ALWAYS on!)

for gains: Seriously honey? step awaaaaay from the ice cream

loss: Well now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

I wish I’d get stuff like that to review!



Rebecca • January 5, 2009 at 1:07 am

How about:

If you can’t read the numbers, you’re not sucking in hard enough!


Shana • January 5, 2009 at 1:38 am

“You are perfect. Don’t change a thing.”


Christy • January 5, 2009 at 7:30 am

“Step away from the scale…you have reached your goal”


Peg • January 5, 2009 at 8:54 am

Before I stepped on the scale everyday, I would like it to say “Just remember this: whether you’ve gained or lost weight today, you’re still fabulous!”


Cheryl D. • January 5, 2009 at 9:02 am

For a gain-“You better quit eating so much.”

For a loss-“Good Job, Keep it Up!”


Karen • January 5, 2009 at 9:37 am

Keep it healthy, keep it hot.


Christy • January 5, 2009 at 10:10 am

“Can I bring you some coffee?”


asithi • January 5, 2009 at 10:27 am

“Stop taking orders from a cookie!”


B • January 5, 2009 at 10:35 am

Damn, that’s a lot of water weight!


she overflows • January 5, 2009 at 10:40 am

“You have [lost/gained x amount] and you’re still beautiful! Don’t forget to be nice to people today.*”

*Working in a pharmacy, I need this one, haha. Also, I’m trying to be nicer to my family/not take my frustration out on them when they’re not the cause of it.


Paula • January 5, 2009 at 10:41 am

Gain: “Lay off the potato chips sweetie!”

(10 lb.) Loss: “That’s a perfect 10 you’ve lost!”


Sarah • January 5, 2009 at 10:53 am

“Now THAT’s how you STICK it…”


Emily • January 5, 2009 at 10:55 am

I have one of these, and I actually really love it. It is cheesy, but it’s awesome not to be focusing on the NUMBER – and it is so much easier when someone is keeping track of what I’ve lost. Hurray for no maths!

I’d like to give one to my Mom, so that’s who I’d send it to if I win.

And I’d love to hear her say, if you’re ABOVE you’re starting weight “Aww, that sucks. Better luck next time!” Teehee.


Rhiannon • January 5, 2009 at 11:03 am

“You lost, have a free day”


Try again later

I do want to try this scale because I am so number shy. I need a reality check :)


Lesli • January 5, 2009 at 11:15 am

Gain – complete silence

Loss – a short song of some kind would be less annoying than someone’s voice


Erin • January 5, 2009 at 11:17 am

For a gain: “Put down the brownies…and back away slowly….”

For a loss: “You’re even prettier than you were yesterday!”.


Thealogian • January 5, 2009 at 11:18 am

“Nadia Comăneci was a fraud! I mean, good job you’ve lost 2lbs”


Jessica A. • January 5, 2009 at 11:42 am

For a gain I’d like for it to say “Lay off the chips applebottom!”

For a loss it should say “Wow you are amazing nobody else has every been as awesome as you are”



Jody • January 5, 2009 at 11:50 am

Oh Honey! It’s alright. One day at a time! hahaha


Eva Dalla • January 5, 2009 at 12:22 pm

I wish it would just die off if i weigh more or say something to the effect, “please dont binge after listening to your weight. It’s probably just PMS Weight or some water weight.”

but then again, I would want it to lie if i worked out all week and still didnt loose any weight. I am suffering from a plateau and am sick and tired and never want to see the number 141 ever ever again.


Corrie • January 5, 2009 at 12:23 pm

Something zen like,

This is just a number, it’s not your true value as a person. Keep moving forward with your journey to improve your health. You rock!


queenalpo • January 5, 2009 at 12:47 pm

@anji and pastaqueen —

Oh, gawsh… sorry for dropping that comment and then leaving y’all behind to figure it out.

And yes *headsmack* I echo Anji in thanking Jennette in remembering to consider others when reviewing this.

Most people in the community seem to be fine with “the deaf and hard of hearing.” Hearing-impaired just places too much emphasis on “impaired” (e.g. you poor broken person, you!)

Mea culpa.


Chaley • January 5, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Thank you for your honest review.

I’d like it to say the gain or loss…reassure me that the number should not affect me emotionally and remind that I feel better when I eat cleanly.


Jac • January 5, 2009 at 1:17 pm

First, I’d like to say that I REALLY like this concept! I put WAY too much emphasis on the scale…

I would love to hear it say something along the lines of:

“Remember, it’s healthy choices that make a difference. Now, put down that cupcake and move a little!”


Karoline • January 5, 2009 at 1:28 pm

“Damn, girl! Lookin’ good!”


Kate • January 5, 2009 at 1:41 pm

Thanks I have a standard scale but I like the idea of the progress being the emphasis.

:) kate


Paula from Texas • January 5, 2009 at 1:53 pm

I think my comment on a gain would be, Don’t worry you still don’t look like your Mom.


kim • January 5, 2009 at 2:16 pm

Gain: better luck next time, don’t give up your better than that. Loss: you are a rockstar goddess that kicks fats ass!


Karen • January 5, 2009 at 2:29 pm

You have lost an entire leg and then applause — when you hear the applause it will trigger in you the help you need to eat only when hungry and stop before you are stuffed.


Jennifer • January 5, 2009 at 3:11 pm

I need a Mary Lou scale that says “Put DOWN the Reeses Peanut Butter Trees and step away slowly….”


Christina • January 5, 2009 at 3:25 pm

“eh, at least you didn’t shoot anyone today…..right?”


Rene • January 5, 2009 at 4:50 pm

For a loss I’d love to hear:

“You’ve lost __ pounds. You so TOTALLY rock!”

For a gain I’d love to hear:

“You’ve gained __ pounds. Time to get back on track! Today’s a new day!”


Surisa • January 5, 2009 at 5:21 pm

(Both in Antonio Banderas voice)


“Truly, you are magnificent”


“The world weeps for you”


Patricia • January 5, 2009 at 6:22 pm

Move your lard already!


KATHY • January 5, 2009 at 9:24 pm

OMG the comments so TOTALLY rock on this!

I can’t come up with anything as funny as some of the comments..

Lose: Doooode! Rock on!

Gain: Oh, Dooooode!


Alexia • January 5, 2009 at 10:26 pm

Gosh darn it, now I crave Reeses peanut butter trees. Argh!

Loss: X pounds closer to all your problems being solved, world peace, etc. Oh, wait, no, just X pounds lost. Way to go!


Anne (happy fun pants) • January 5, 2009 at 11:46 pm

First, I am SO impressed that you were honest with the review – and not just kissing MLR’s ass. It would’ve been easy to do so, but I love that you didn’t.

Secondly, if you lose weight, I think the scale should say “DAMN! You’re lookin’ so good, I just might have to join the German swim team!”

Although really, that doesn’t make much sense. I was trying to make MLR hit on me. But just because the German swim team LOOKED like men, it doesn’t mean that they would be attracted to lady parts.


This might be why I wasn’t on the design team for the scale in the first place….


Rachel • January 6, 2009 at 12:01 am

I’d like her to say, “But you have such a pretty face..”


Samantha Pruitt • January 6, 2009 at 5:04 am

i wish she would say, this is when you lose weight, “your ass is lookin’ niiiiiice!”

since i’m obsessed with my awesome ASSets!


Jaime Dennis • January 6, 2009 at 9:57 am

I would like her to say, “Stay back from the sweet stuff!”


Jaime Dennis • January 6, 2009 at 9:57 am

I would like her to say, “Stay back from the sweet stuff!”


Leslie Chisum • January 6, 2009 at 9:58 am

Pop Tarts are not your friends.


Melissa • January 6, 2009 at 12:09 pm

Ow ow ow… you’re hurting me!


juicebox mom • January 6, 2009 at 1:05 pm

“try to stick the landing next time”


beandove • January 6, 2009 at 1:05 pm

i would like it to say, “beer does NOT count as daily water intake.”


Karla Smith • January 6, 2009 at 1:06 pm

try a salad every once in a while, whydontcha?


Karla • January 6, 2009 at 1:11 pm

Congratulations!! Twins?


pinky • January 6, 2009 at 1:35 pm

I would like her to say, “What have you not been doing lately?” Where I reply, “Exercising and eating right, I know already.”


Brooke • January 6, 2009 at 1:36 pm

After you lose 10 lbs, i would like her to say something along the lines of “You win a gold medal!” Cheesy, but how inspirational to be compared to ML?!?!


Esmeralda • January 6, 2009 at 2:48 pm

Gain: “Argh! My casing! You’re breaking me! Get off, get off!” (delivered in a frantic wheezing gasp)

Lose: “I dub thee Dutchess of Losertown!”


Sarah • January 6, 2009 at 3:32 pm

On a good weigh in, I simple want her to say, “Loser!”


KMM • January 6, 2009 at 3:44 pm

“Step away from the food court!”


Smg • January 6, 2009 at 5:01 pm

Gain: “Whoa! Did someone fall off the wagon? Well, it’s time to get back on”

Loss: “Great Job! You should be proud of yourself. Keep up the good work”


Sue Peterson • January 6, 2009 at 5:18 pm

“And she STICKS the landing.”


AJ • January 6, 2009 at 7:05 pm

I would hope the scale would say positive things like “It doesn’t matter if you lost or gained 0.3 lbs, it matters if you did your yoga, cardio or balance ball workout and feel good about yourself today.”

Thanks for giving this away! :-)


Poppy Buxom • January 6, 2009 at 10:44 pm

“In case you’re wondering, your underwear does make you look fat.”


Lucrecia • January 6, 2009 at 11:57 pm

Good for you for keeping on keeping on!


gazellegirl • January 7, 2009 at 12:31 am

Gain – oh good lord- GET OFF OF ME!

Loss – So whadaya want? Your picture on the Wheaties box or somthin’?


Heidi • January 7, 2009 at 1:15 pm

I think a simple “Your butt looks fabulous today” could start my day off on the right track :)


Shar • January 7, 2009 at 5:33 pm

“Keep on going, you can do it!”


lulu • January 8, 2009 at 2:12 am

I think it should say listen here you over grown marshmallow its time to put down the food and get on the treadmill…


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Comments are now closed on all PastaQueen entries. The blog is an archive only so I don't have to deal with spammers. For fresh discussions please visit my new blog at JennetteFulda.com.

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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