March 12, 2008 at 8:17 am
While there are some days when I want to drive to Marsh and stuff an entire stuffed-crust pizza in my mouth, there are also days when I come home wishing I wanted to binge but have to admit I’m just not feeling it. Last night was one of those nights. I was tired from work. I went out of my way to get diet cat food at PetSmart, and then got stuck in traffic for 20 minutes because a Thunderbird stalled in the left lane of traffic. My head still hurts a little all the time. I had no energy.
In the car and on the couch, my thoughts kept coming back to, “What can I eat to make myself feel better?” I think I just do that out of habit though. There wasn’t anything I was craving. I didn’t feel like chocolate donuts. I nixed Snickerdoodles. I thought about eating a lot of baked apple oatmeal, but eh, it didn’t sound right. When I listened to my body, I realized I didn’t even feel hungry, I was just thinking about dinner because I usually eat at around 6:30. So I at a reasonable dinner and went into my bedroom and watched a movie instead and continued to feel run down as I watched Logan’s Run. (There’s not as much running in that movie as you’d think.)
As I watched the movie, I did start to crack a little. I still wasn’t feeling the madness I did when I binged last month, but I kept thinking about eating something out of habit since that’s usually how I make myself feel better. I tried telling myself it was just low serotonin levels or wacky brain chemicals making me feel this way and oatmeal wasn’t going to fix that. That didn’t really work. But I had my cat curled on my stomach and I didn’t want to disturb him. I also kept coming back to the numbers on the scale lately and how I’d like for them to keep going down and not up. So I stayed in bed and I didn’t pig out. Getting out of visual range of the kitchen and trapping myself under a small furry animal while watching 70’s science fiction seemed to work. After about 90 minutes the urge to eat passed and I was fine again. It was bizarre. Usually I lose those battles and just go run the next day. (And that’s why I haven’t lost the last 20 pounds.) It was cool to actually work through the crazy and win. Now that I’ve done it once, I might have the confidence that I can do it again.