If I owned a cosmic eraser I think I’d use it to rub last Saturday out of existence. For some reason I decided I needed to clean out my refrigerator using my mouth. I ate. A lot. For no real reason. Which is odd, because I was certainly under more stress earlier in the week and didn’t eat a whole bowl of pudding then. But along came the weekend and the part of my brain that regulates my eating decided to check out for a day at the beach. I was so full after “lunch” that I took a two and half hour nap. I haven’t done that since college when my roommate and I had competitive napping sessions to see who could be the most unproductive for the longest amount of time.
But, that was Saturday, and life goes on. I did not instantly regain 190 pounds. My clothes still fit. As the alcoholics say, I can only make the next best choice. On the positive side, at least when I binge these days it’s on sugar-free pudding and fat-free yogurt and not on a gallon of ice cream. I used to eat some really weird food stuffs back in my youth. I think people are fascinated by the strange eating habits of the morbidly obese or binge eaters. It’s voyeurism, like that taxi cab confessions TV series on one of the pay channels where drivers get passengers to spill all their crazy sexual experiences on tape. You just sit back in stunned silence thinking, “She put a what in her mouth?”
I think people just want to know what it’s like to let go of the restrictions we put on our lives, the “don’t do that” and “don’t eat this” rules. There was something strangely liberating in just letting go and eating whatever. I imagine it’s the feeling people would get if it were reported that an asteroid was heading for earth and we were all going to die next week. Your neighbors would start looting and doing all kinds of things they would never do otherwise because there were suddenly no consequences for their bad behaviors.
But I do still live in a world with consequences, and I have no desire to get fat again. So, it’s back to moderating my eating habits. However, for the voyeurs out there I thought I would compile a list of the craziest, weirdest, foods that I ever ate growing up. Consider it my own taxi cab confession.
- Frozen orange juice concentrate straight out of the can.
- Frosting, both homemade and store-bought. I think I even bought my own hand-held mixer just to make icing and cakes.
- Jelly and jam packets in the center of the table at breakfast-style restaurants, eaten off of my finger.
- Butter bread. A slice of white bread covered in butter. I later read about someone who did this and then sprinkled sugar on it too. Never tried that, but if I’d thought of it I probably would have.
- Tang crystals. I’d eat the drink mix right off of the spoon.
- Sugar. Sometimes brown sugar or powdered sugar too. Again, just eaten right out of the bag.
- Bagel sandwich. A bagel with luncheon meat and cheese. Not as bad as some of the other items on this list, but not really great either, especially when I ate two or three in a row.
- Beef jerky and egg rolls bought in bulk from Sam’s Club.
- Store-brand microwave pizzas which were about the size of a Frisbee. I ate these a lot. They were quick and easy to cook and had lots of cheese and perfectly cube-shaped pepperonis. I probably don’t want to know what ground-up bits were in those perfect cubes.
- Fudge. I got the recipe off the side of a cocoa powder box and made a lot of fudge in high school.
- Snickerdoodle batter. I liked to eat several spoonfuls before the flour was added in because it was sweeter. Same with brownie batter.
- Everlasting gobstoppers for lunch. Junior year of high school I skipped lunch and sat in the library instead. I’d buy candy from the librarians after the bell rang.
- Chocolate chip cookie dough, with no intention of ever baking the cookies. At least I saved energy powering the oven.
- Four slices of whole-wheat bread for breakfast. I did this for a year in high school and the kids on the bus understandably thought I was a weirdo. One speculated I kept the rest of the loaf in my backpack to eat the rest of the day.
- Ice. I used to chew ice. Not really bad for me health-wise since water has zero calories, but I easily could have chipped a tooth.
That bowl of sugar-free pudding is looking pretty tame now. What’s some of the weirdest stuff you’ve eaten?