The joy of cooking

My friend preformed in The Vagina Monologues this weekend in addition to helping plan the event which raised thousands of dollars for the local YWCA and rape assistance program. I’m so proud of her! She also works full time, takes 15 hours of classes, and wrapped individual presents for each cast member, complete with ribbons made out of some strange substance called “wraphia” which is the inbred child of ribbon and hay. I don’t know how she does all this. Maybe she secretly has a twin sister and they’ve been pretending to be the same person for the past umpteen years I’ve known her/them.

I wanted to help her celebrate the climax of all her hard work, so I undertook some thematic baking. If you are exceedingly moral or are put off by vulgar flour-based imagery, stop reading now. And if you are exceedingly moral, why are you reading my blog anyway? :)

Please only click if you are the age of 18 or over, your boss is not looking over your shoulder (unless you work at Planned Parenthood), and you are prepared to shower after delving into my dirty, dirty mind.

Vagina muff-ins!

I cooked up the ingredients and the idea all by myself. I found a whole wheat banana muffin recipe online. I didn’t want to use my apple muffin recipe for fear that the apple bits would make my muffins look like they had an outbreak of genital warts. Then I cut an anatomically correct slit down the middle which I filled with sugar-free strawberry preserves. The strawberry preserves were a dangerous discovery. Made with Splenda, they only have 10 calories and 5 carbs per 1 Tbsp serving. I might be taking a detour down the jelly aisle in the future. The clitoris is a craisin and the labia minora are almond slices. I think you could substitute the almonds with dried peaches to get a better color match, but I only had almonds. The muffins were rather tasty and didn’t taste like vagina at all. However, eating them in front of other people was, um, rather suggestive.

The muff-ins are not something I would have attempted before I learned how to cook. So that’s one unexpected side affect of weight loss. I now feel confident enough in my baking improvisational skills that I’m ready to take on pornographic pastry making! I bet you could do something similar with cupcakes, using an M&M for the clitoris and candy hearts for the inner labia.

Here’s the muffin recipe if anyone is interested in learning the art of erotic baked goods. It’s slightly modified from the Lighter Banana Muffins recipe from AllRecipes.com:

Ingredients

2 eggs, beaten

3 very ripe bananas, mashed

2 cups whole wheat flour

1 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup Splenda

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease or line 10 muffin cups.

2. In a medium bowl, combine eggs and bananas. In a separate bowl, mix together flour, salt, sugar and baking soda. Stir banana mixture into flour mixture. Pour batter into prepared muffin cups.

3. Bake in preheated oven for 20 to 25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into center of a muffin comes out clean.