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PastaQueen

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My friend preformed in The Vagina Monologues this weekend in addition to helping plan the event which raised thousands of dollars for the local YWCA and rape assistance program. I’m so proud of her! She also works full time, takes 15 hours of classes, and wrapped individual presents for each cast member, complete with ribbons made out of some strange substance called “wraphia” which is the inbred child of ribbon and hay. I don’t know how she does all this. Maybe she secretly has a twin sister and they’ve been pretending to be the same person for the past umpteen years I’ve known her/them.

I wanted to help her celebrate the climax of all her hard work, so I undertook some thematic baking. If you are exceedingly moral or are put off by vulgar flour-based imagery, stop reading now. And if you are exceedingly moral, why are you reading my blog anyway? :)

Please only click if you are the age of 18 or over, your boss is not looking over your shoulder (unless you work at Planned Parenthood), and you are prepared to shower after delving into my dirty, dirty mind.


Muff-ins

Vagina muff-ins!

I cooked up the ingredients and the idea all by myself. I found a whole wheat banana muffin recipe online. I didn’t want to use my apple muffin recipe for fear that the apple bits would make my muffins look like they had an outbreak of genital warts. Then I cut an anatomically correct slit down the middle which I filled with sugar-free strawberry preserves. The strawberry preserves were a dangerous discovery. Made with Splenda, they only have 10 calories and 5 carbs per 1 Tbsp serving. I might be taking a detour down the jelly aisle in the future. The clitoris is a craisin and the labia minora are almond slices. I think you could substitute the almonds with dried peaches to get a better color match, but I only had almonds. The muffins were rather tasty and didn’t taste like vagina at all. However, eating them in front of other people was, um, rather suggestive.

Muff-ins

The muff-ins are not something I would have attempted before I learned how to cook. So that’s one unexpected side affect of weight loss. I now feel confident enough in my baking improvisational skills that I’m ready to take on pornographic pastry making! I bet you could do something similar with cupcakes, using an M&M for the clitoris and candy hearts for the inner labia.

Here’s the muffin recipe if anyone is interested in learning the art of erotic baked goods. It’s slightly modified from the Lighter Banana Muffins recipe from AllRecipes.com:

Ingredients

2 eggs, beaten

3 very ripe bananas, mashed

2 cups whole wheat flour

1 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup Splenda

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease or line 10 muffin cups.

2. In a medium bowl, combine eggs and bananas. In a separate bowl, mix together flour, salt, sugar and baking soda. Stir banana mixture into flour mixture. Pour batter into prepared muffin cups.

3. Bake in preheated oven for 20 to 25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into center of a muffin comes out clean.

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Comments

  1. i’ve already admitted to my fiancee that i have a crush on this blog. this only cements it. thankfully, she’s understanding – she introduced me to it.

    total genius. thanks for giving me a big laugh on a stressful morning.

  2. I think that the V-Day organizers who organize this nationwide movement for awareness about violence against women with performances of The Vagina Monologues, also have available a recipe for a Vagina Danish of some sort. We considered making them and selling them at a booth at our performance. Thanks for this recipe!

  4. Your muff-ins are inspired, though I might have hesitated to actually EAT one. :) I’m sure your friend loved that you got so creative in your support.

  7. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! That’s AWESOME! You’re such a good friend.

    I’m with Jen–I don’t know if I could actually eat one, although I’m sure they were deelish.

  9. You are going to get a lot of “interesting” readers when they query/google on a variety of “topics”. As always – you are too funny!

  12. Oh yeah, you are a clever clever woman! I must try them one day when I’ve got a party to go to, and see if anyone twigs to what they “look like”, could be really funny. Am now waiting for the ones that look like penis’s!!

  15. These are amazing and wonderful. I loved them when I first read this entry and even more after I showed it to my husband it it seemed to make him nervous. Hee!

    You go girl. And brava to your friend for her (and your) good work for a great cause.

  19. hi – i’m a new reader, and i love your blog!

    i was looking at your progress pictures (congrats, by the way!) and i noticed that you’re really slouching in them – it’s most noticeable in the thinnest one. look at your ankles, hips, and shoulder. they should be in a straight line, but your hips are pushed forward. this pushes out your stomach and also makes you look shorter.

    if you pull your hips back to above your ankles, lightly engage your stomach (as in pilates, which i see you do), and stand up straight, you’ll look taller and thinner – it’s the easiest way EVER to look like you lost 10 pounds, it really makes a difference. and it’s better for your body.

    i’m aware that it’s really weird to comment on your blog just to critique your posture, but you look GREAT and you’ve lost so much weight, and i just want to see you look your best! and i’m obsessive about posture, obviously.

  21. LOL! These remind me of my annual Halloween party. Every year I co-host a big Halloween shindig. Last year one of the guests brought vampire vagina cookies. Thought I’d share the link in case you wanted to branch out in your anatomically correct culinary goodies. Totally hilarious! I love your muffins! (that sounds like a weird compliment – lol)

  23. Looks delicious!

    I love your blog, been a silent for a long time. Hope you don’t mind me adding you to my links. Look forward to see you on my blog sometime! :)

  28. Your comment on the raffia being the inbred child of ribbon and hay made me laugh out loud! My mother-in-law uses it on everything, so I don’t know how I’ll look at one of her presents or decorations again without giggling!

    As if that wasn’t funny enough, then you moved on to the muffins! You are so freakin’ cool!

  29. YES! I <3 your vagina muffins! Ok, never thought I’d say *that* to a total stranger… my favorite line? “for fear that the apple bits would make my muffins look like they had an outbreak of genital warts”

    Damn, you are a talented writer!

  32. As much as I love your muffins *wink wink* there’s something about them that make me feel a little ooky.. I’d love to make them (my family would just die with laughter) but I think I’ll use maybe a peach or apricot jam and a piece of dried peach or apricot since I think it’s the color that makes me look at them funny! :) Thank god they don’t tase like anything but muffin, you crack me up! ^_^

  39. Vagina muffins are such a great idea!!!! I can imagine several people turning red while eating them, oh the fun!

  41. these are great! i googled ‘happy vagina’ looking for fun pics for my friend who has to have a gyno colposcopy appt tomorrow! she’ll love these :) thanks!!

  42. I was not offended in the least.. I thought it was very clever! Would have been a perfect treat to bake for my Women’s Studies 444 class.

    Why did I say I was not offended… O’ I am very Mormon… I do have high morals and I have not been offended or shocked while reading anything that you have written, I have enjoyed every entry so far!!

  43. Lol, that’s so funny!

    However, I do have a question. Is the jelly supose to be the menstral cycle?

  46. you have just graduated to my favorite person in the whole galaxy. I am an obstetrics nurse and feel it necessary to recreate these muffins at the next staff party. u shud be famous

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