Last weekend I found myself pondering how many calories were in a single M&M. Also, would one M&M be just an M? And who would eat just one M&M anyway, unless you found it in your sofa cushions while searching for the remote control? And in that case would staleness be a factor? Do M&M’s lose calories with age, like the half-life of radioactive materials?
The answer to my first question is about 3.4 calories per milk chocolate M&M. I was only pondering this question because I had been coerced into attending a baby shower for a woman (and baby) that I didn’t even know and it was a better question to ponder than “If I faked a folding chair malfunction to break my arm would they let me leave for the hospital immediately or make me wait 15 minutes for an ambulance?”
I had never been to a baby shower before and I think there’s a reason why people don’t crash these events. The human eye was not designed to process so much pastel at once. Everything at a baby shower is also automatically classified as cute simply because it has been miniaturized. After opening each onesie or teeny, tiny snowsuit there was a Greek chorus of “How cute!” I think if we had given her a tiny Nazi outfit complete with miniature 9mm water gun it still would have been deemed the cutest thing ever.
As with any social event, I had to face The Trial of the Buffet Table. It was pretty easy for me to avoid the candy corn cups and vanilla cake and sherbet because I’d eaten two hours beforehand. Also, vanilla cake? Ha! It’s not like it was chocolate. However, each guest got a foam flower centerpiece in a miniature flowerpot containing a bag of M&Ms. Earlier in the year I read about a study which showed that people were more likely to eat candy if it was put within easy reach. Well, you don’t have to be a researcher at University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign to figure that out! Any tag-a-long guest to a Midwestern baby shower knows that.
I lasted maybe an hour before I started digging into my bag, just a couple at first and then some more until I’d eventually eaten maybe 30 candies out of boredom. At least filling my mouth with chocolate squashed my ability to scream “Why must the baby have two dozen blankets!? Is she going to be sleeping in the freezer?”
We escaped after two hours and from now on I swear to only attend baby showers for people I know. And then only if I can wear sunglasses to block me from all the pastels.