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Oh baby, baby

Last weekend I found myself pondering how many calories were in a single M&M. Also, would one M&M be just an M? And who would eat just one M&M anyway, unless you found it in your sofa cushions while searching for the remote control? And in that case would staleness be a factor? Do M&M’s lose calories with age, like the half-life of radioactive materials?

The answer to my first question is about 3.4 calories per milk chocolate M&M. I was only pondering this question because I had been coerced into attending a baby shower for a woman (and baby) that I didn’t even know and it was a better question to ponder than “If I faked a folding chair malfunction to break my arm would they let me leave for the hospital immediately or make me wait 15 minutes for an ambulance?”

I had never been to a baby shower before and I think there’s a reason why people don’t crash these events. The human eye was not designed to process so much pastel at once. Everything at a baby shower is also automatically classified as cute simply because it has been miniaturized. After opening each onesie or teeny, tiny snowsuit there was a Greek chorus of “How cute!” I think if we had given her a tiny Nazi outfit complete with miniature 9mm water gun it still would have been deemed the cutest thing ever.

As with any social event, I had to face The Trial of the Buffet Table. It was pretty easy for me to avoid the candy corn cups and vanilla cake and sherbet because I’d eaten two hours beforehand. Also, vanilla cake? Ha! It’s not like it was chocolate. However, each guest got a foam flower centerpiece in a miniature flowerpot containing a bag of M&Ms. Earlier in the year I read about a study which showed that people were more likely to eat candy if it was put within easy reach. Well, you don’t have to be a researcher at University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign to figure that out! Any tag-a-long guest to a Midwestern baby shower knows that.

I lasted maybe an hour before I started digging into my bag, just a couple at first and then some more until I’d eventually eaten maybe 30 candies out of boredom. At least filling my mouth with chocolate squashed my ability to scream “Why must the baby have two dozen blankets!? Is she going to be sleeping in the freezer?”

We escaped after two hours and from now on I swear to only attend baby showers for people I know. And then only if I can wear sunglasses to block me from all the pastels.

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Connie • November 7, 2006 at 3:07 pm

I have to share. I attended a baby shower once with my brother-in-law. (Yes, now they’ve suckered guys into attending these things, too!) He was stunned by the sea of pastel colored adjectives, and cooing women. To keep ourselves amused, I taught him all the proper adjectives to use at a baby shower, based on whether the gift was, for example, clothing (that is SO cute! TOTALLY adorable!), ‘hardware’ like stollers, etc (oh, that’s GREAT!)or even if it was something that was horrendous (that is SO UNIQUE!). It gave us both a ton of laughs, helped him to fit in with the office baby-shower crowd, and gave me a memory I’ll have forever. You are more than welcome to borrow my brother-in-law anytime! He makes baby showers ALMOST worth attending!


Milana • November 7, 2006 at 3:39 pm

“Why must the baby have two dozen blankets!? Is she going to be sleeping in the freezer?”

Classic pastaqueen, classic. I think that line alone made my day and maybe just maybe gave me the motivation to go get some work done :)


The Zero Boss • November 7, 2006 at 5:48 pm

I always eat M&Ms I find laying around the house. It may be my least endearing habit, next to my ass-scratching.

That was TMI, wasn’t it?


Jana • November 8, 2006 at 4:22 am

Paa haaa…. thanks for the ‘freezer’ moment! Hilarious…. I suppose I could just laugh and not tell you that it was funny..but hey. Share the good news, right?

You are wickedly funny..keep it up!



Marla • November 8, 2006 at 6:29 am

The problem with baby showers is there’s no alcohol. Mom-to-be can’t drink, so it would be rude to guzzle in front of her. If everyone could loosen up with a couple margaritas or champagne cocktails, the jokes would be funnier and the comments wittier!


K • November 8, 2006 at 6:57 am

I think I’m glad these events haven’t crossed the Atlantic. Not that I dislike babies or anything.


Cristy • November 8, 2006 at 2:21 pm

I didn’t tell you? The baby is heading out on a solo dog sled race soon after birth. Its just going to be her and the dogs huddled together for warmth, hence the many blankets, and the scary little neuter mittens we bought her. I’m sorry I dragged you to such a horrible event, though knowing the mom-to-be didn’t make it much more entertaining. I’ll try to make future events more exciting, like a tractor show or tupperware party.


Nice Girl • November 8, 2006 at 11:21 pm

Maybe I have missed it…but I searched the ABOUT section…anyway, PastaQueen, How old are you? Just in case she doesn’t moderate comments, does anyone else know?


javajabber • November 9, 2006 at 6:49 am

Okay, but here’s the REAL question …

Was it a milk chocolate M&M or a DARK chocolate M&M. It might make a difference! Anything made with 70% real cocoa chocolate (is that redundant?) is less fattening and actually good for you … so says the FDA anyway.


PastaQueen • November 9, 2006 at 8:18 am

Nice Girl – I just turned 26. It’s listed in my “Just how fat are you?” sidebar on the right. I’m sure there are many more baby showers in my future unless I start secretly sterilizing my friends.

Javajabber – Alas, it was milk chocolate, and it was good if not good for me.


zara • November 9, 2006 at 6:03 pm

Yeah, somewhere in my last post I meant to rant about the pastel crap. We’ve snatched up every dark color we can find for both our girls just on principal!

I’d make you come to my baby shower and I’d make you like it. I’d stock some Coors Light, just for you. :)

In truth, I didn’t let my friend give me a baby shower, for the very reasons you mentioned. Torturous! Plus, it’s kinda hard to have a shower with one person. Would that be called a water droplet?


Dee • November 10, 2006 at 7:12 am

Hahah this whole post is awesome! I laughed so much, love your humour… and Zara and the waterdroplet comment cracked me up too ;D


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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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