Pilates

The one thing that annoys me about my Pilates DVD is that it starts with an intro talking about the environment and renewable energy and about being one with the ecosystem. Now, I have nothing against granola-eating hippies who run their cars on leftover grease from Mexican restaurants. Some of my best friends eat at Mexican restaurants. However, what does any of that have to do with working my abs? Can’t I want a stronger core set of muscles and also drive a Hummer? I have to wonder if this hippy-dippy, new age, stereotype that surrounds exercises like Pilates and Yoga turns people off to trying an activity they might actually enjoy, the same way boys are hesitant to take ballet classes. And this doesn’t even involve tutus!

(Confidential to hippies: Sorry if I offended you. Last week I walked to an organic grocery store to buy pears, so I’m probably close to becoming one of you myself. It also made me wonder, if I was a pod person who’d replaced the original PastaQueen, would I necessarily know about it? Should I keep an eye out for the mothership? But if I ever run my car on grease, I’m going to have to insist on getting it from Indian restaurants. Spicy curry-mobile, yum!)

In other Pilates news, I’ve been rolling out my mat and wiping cat hair off of it for about 6 months now. I’ve also been doing Pilates on it. So it’s really interesting to see how much I’ve improved. Pilates only has so many exercises and they’re supposed to be done in a certain order, so it’s very easy to compare how far you’ve come. At first I’d have to do modified versions of the moves, bending my legs and not rolling all the way to my shoulders, unless my shoulders had been transplanted to the middle of my back, which, wow, would look really weird. Now I can do almost all of the moves as they’re intended. I can even do the teaser, or as I like to call it, the motherf***ing teaser. It’s amazing! It won’t be too long before I’m bending myself up like a pretzel and cramming myself into a pickle jar like a Cirque du Soleil contortionist.

I wish this was the type of topic that would come up at parties so I could show it off. Hell, I wish I was just invited to parties. When I drop to the floor, perform the teaser and flash half the room in my dress, I’m sure I would become very popular. At least as popular as the drunk girl dancing on the table with a fringed lamp shade on her head. Though I don’t want to get a bad rep. People might start saying “She’s such a tease with her teaser.” Maybe I should do The Seal instead. I’m sure rolling around on the ground, clapping my feet together 3 times and yipping “Arf!” like a seal will turn all the boys on. Perhaps they will think it is some sort of foreign mating ritual. Actually, the arfing is optional, but I find it too fun to pass up. Arf! Arf!

And since I know someone will ask, I’m currently doing the intermediate workout by Ana Caban, distributed by Gaiam and available at Amazon.com here, though if you’re just starting you should probably go with the beginner’s workout.