Lately I’ve been amazed by how small my underwear is getting, and not because of any laundry room catastrophes. I know that all my clothes, from my T-shirts and jeans, are smaller now too, but the change in scale in my underwear seems to be the most obvious to me.
Whenever I shopped in the lingerie department or caught a glimpse of a roommate’s suitcase on a band trip or saw that scene in “Sixteen Candles” where Anthony Michael Hall holds up Molly Ringwald’s underwear for a crowd in the boy’s room, I’d be a bit surprised that panties were so tiny. I think you could barely make a handkerchief out of the same amount of fabric used for some women’s undergarments. Like that much fabric is actually going to fit over your ass? But evidently it does. (By the way, does anyone use handkerchiefs anymore? Is a fondness for monogramming really worth carrying around a rag full of snot, especially when tissues are so readily available?)
Which is not to say my undies are tiny. I’m sure a career model would faint in shock at the size of them or confuse them for some avant-garde hat. But I do find myself holding them up in the morning and thinking, “Wow, underwear can be this tiny for people who don’t live in the North Pole and work for Santa Claus?” It makes me think I must be able to fit at least 20%-30% more clothes in my suitcase these days as apposed to when I weighed my highest.
I find this particularly fulfilling because of the movie “Road Trip” that came out years ago. I never bothered seeing the film because it looked like a dumb boy movie and starred the perennially unfunny comedian, Tom Green. Also, there was one scene in an ad that I found thoroughly embarrassing, so of course it was shown about 10 times a day on the TV. They probably sandwiched it right between the erectile dysfunction and yeast infection ads just to make me miserable. In this scene, after losing his virginity to a fat girl, the scrawny little guy character holds up a huge pair of leopard print underwear in the car to show his buddies. Then one of these teenage jokers says something like “What did you do? Skin a leopard?”
The worst thing about his ad – I owned those panties. Just My Size, size 13. I’m not usually into animal prints, but they came in the three pack, so I couldn’t get picky. When you’re that size you usually just take what you can find in terms of undergarments, or any clothes for that matter. I could just envision the propmaster running down to the local Target and selecting the biggest pair of panties she could find when she could have just raided my dresser drawer instead. I didn’t love them, but at the very least it’s always good to have a pair for that time of the month. But seeing my underwear mocked on national television on a daily basis was almost enough to make me give up TV.
But no more! My butt has gotten smaller and so have my underpants. But you still can’t make me watch a Tom Green movie.