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There are many things I can’t resist – a warm loaf of whole wheat bread fresh out of the breadmaker, cinnamon Spelnda apple muffins, and chocolate pudding with a dollop of Cool Whip on top (note: it must be referred to as a dollop, not a scoop or spoonful but a dollop, because “dollop” is a fun word to say). But all of these stand no match to my one true love – coupons! Free money sent to me in the mail. It’s like counterfeiting, but legal.

Now that I’ve moved out on my own and savor every penny (even the gross ones covered in green gunk), my love of coupons has grown to new heights. I’ve been laying out buying strategies more complex than Napoleon’s attack on Waterloo. If I combine the 20% Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon with my Discover Card cashback gift cards during the week the George Foreman grill is on sale, I’ll only pay $0.89! After Kroger’s five for $10 sale on Lean Cuisines, I now have enough TV dinners in my freezer to literally last me a month. I’m so totally ready for the apocalypse! Assuming it’s an apocalypse in which the electricity doesn’t got out and my freezer and microwave still work. Though I was seriously bummed this week when I saw Meijer had them at five for $9. D’oh!

I think the only thing better than getting a great deal is bragging about what a great deal you got. I’d guess this is one of the major differences between the middle class and upper class. Middle class people like to brag about how cheap they got something for, whereas upper class people like to brag about how much money they spent on something, like their yacht or their summer home in the Hamptons.

So, while I haven’t stepped foot in a Lane Bryant for many, many months, when they sent me the $15 off a $15 or more purchase coupon in my e-mail, how could I not go? By the way, if you are a fat girl and not on the Lane Bryant mailing list, go to their web site and sign up now! I would dare not step foot in that store without one of their $25 off a $75 purchase coupons they send out about once a month. It’s just too damn expensive otherwise.

It’s a bit odd shopping at Lane Bryant these days because their tops are all too big for me. So I have to restrict myself just to shopping jeans, pants, skirts or belts. I decided to get a new pair of jeans and lo and behold, I now fit into a pair of size 18 stretch denim jeans! I haven’t been a size 18 since before I was 18. For much of my life my jeans size has quickly outpaced the number of years I’d spent on this earth. Also, why is it a “pair” of jeans where there is only one?

Shifting down to a lower jeans size is always fun, like watching a car odometer roll over to the next group of 10,000, which I don’t even get to do anymore since my odometer is digital. Damn you technology! You’d think they could at least program it to display some sort of celebratory message, or at least a dancing bear, but no. Just another number. Whenever I roll down to a new jean size, I always end up asking myself “Are they supposed to be this tight?” I think when I was fat I got used to wearing looser, baggier clothing in a silly attempt to hide my size, when that really just makes you look bigger. Also, when you get to a point where you need to go down a size, your old jeans are going to be a bit loose anyway, so I’m always a little surprised that the new pair of jeans fits so closely.

Some of you might be surprised that my jeans size is so big since most 5’9″ women who weigh 212 pounds would probably be in a size 16 or 14 by now. I blame this on the fact that I have no breasts. All the fat is in my belly, butt and thighs, thus I wear big pants, but my dress size is much smaller, probably a 12 by now, though I have not confirmed that. I think the distribution of my fat maximizes my jean size to its greatest potential, but it also gives me a flattering hip-to-waist ratio, so it’s not all bad.

Perhaps the saddest thing about my weight loss is that I’m starting to discover how small my boobs actually are. Before this is over, I’m going to have to file a report at the missing ta-ta’s department. For the most part I’ve come to like having small breasts. They don’t get in the way of execise, I have no problems finding a sports bra, I wear button down shirts with ease and I’ve never had back problems. However, I’ve never been able to find a bra with a large band size and a small cup size anywhere but online. And I always felt a bit gypped that even when I was enormously fat I couldn’t say “Well at least I have better breasts than the thin chicks!” because I didn’t. Maybe if you had taken my breasts and put them on a thin chick they would have been big, but ew, gross. So, I’m fine with my small breasts, but if I one day woke up as a B-cup you wouldn’t find me bitching either, especially if you took it out of my ass, which I’m sure they can do these days.

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metamorphose • August 10, 2006 at 2:54 pm

Congrats on the new jeans size! I carry most of my weight in my lower body as well, so jeans are always especially scary to buy for.

I sooo need to take up your coupon gathering talent! I always forget about any coupons I have and then they expire on me and it just seems like a lost cause. Maybe I need a swanky box to put them in or something. hmmm…


Elizabeth • August 10, 2006 at 2:56 pm

This post made me laugh! Thanks for a little humor in my day.

Also, do you have the recipe for these Cinnamon Splenda Apple Muffins? They sound delightful.


PastaQueen • August 10, 2006 at 3:04 pm

Elizabeth – I should have included the link in the post, but I posted the recipe last year. Beware though, they are delicious and I usually end up scarfing down way too many when I make them. Demon muffins, they are!


isabelle • August 10, 2006 at 6:35 pm

Together with the other excellent features of this blog (and your others), I particularly like the idea of the dancing bears. Splendid idea which car manufacturers ought to take note of.


Rachel • August 10, 2006 at 9:14 pm

I have small boobs too. And they’re saggy. I’m always demanding, “How can you be fat and have small, saggy boobs?! Would somebody PLEASE explain it to me!” It’s really not fair. And as I lose weight I think it’s melting from the top down. My stomach and haunches are just as big as ever while my shoulders, arms, and chests are magically starting to look like they were grafted from a thin woman. As for Lane Giant (or “the Giantesse” as we like to call it), they’re a total ripoff and yet I continue to shop there. I can’t wait until I’m think enough to shop elsewhere.


Jenniy • August 10, 2006 at 9:41 pm

I’m one of the lucky girls when it comes to boobs – mine have never shrunk when I lost weight, nor do they get bigger when I gain. It’s great because if nothing else, at least my bras fit!

As for grocery shopping, I love making a list and budget and sticking to it. It makes me feel good. Unfortunately the same can not be said for my fiance, and I’ve learned that I simply can not go shopping with him OR let him shop alone, because our entire monthly grocery budget will be blown (if not more) in one trip. He’s like a kid, he has to have anything new, or brightly colored, or that comes with a toy ;)


Kimberly • August 10, 2006 at 9:53 pm

Oh, wow! This is my first visit here, and my, you’ve lost A LOT of weight. Good for you, that’s amazing.

I, too, am cursed (or not) with fat girl/small boobs syndrome. I think we’re better off for it :)

I like to shop lanebryantcatalog.com because it’s sooo much cheaper than regular Lane Bryant. It’s not nearly as trendy, but once in a while I find cute stuff there.

I also wanted to mention I really enjoyed your writing, it’s good and it’s funny.

Keep up the good work.


Mark • August 11, 2006 at 4:59 am

Lane Bryant is doing a 40% off “FRIENDS & FAMILY” sale this weekend for web orders. If you say pretty please, I’ll give you the promotion code. :-)


Heather • August 11, 2006 at 12:38 pm

I was thinking about how bodies store weight like this the other day!

I’m a little lucky; I store fat pretty evenly (a little more in my stomach) since I have a semi-hourglass shape (42-31-42) I always hate that I don’t just have that “sexy” body part some have. I’m just thick all over (though very muscular!)


DKN • August 11, 2006 at 3:07 pm

Wow! This blog and the comments are suching an amazing reminder of how differently people are shaped. I’m 190 and haven’t been in a 12 since 175-180. I’m now in a 14-16. The way im shaped, the line between 14 & 16 is, well, thin. But I’m a size 12 no matter if I weigh 165 to 180. Weird.


Peter • August 12, 2006 at 1:01 am

L. L. Bean likes to talk about a “pant.” (Not “pants.”) So, you’ve got company.


Greta • August 12, 2006 at 2:18 am

CONGRATULATIONS on the weight loss and on the smaller sizes! Would most women who weigh 212 really be in a 14 or 16? I also have a proportionally larger bottom than top. I am about 5’7″, so not much shorter than you and I can wear a size 14 pants if I weigh between about 160 and 175. I can wear a size 16 between about 180 and 195. When I weighed in the 212-220 range I wore a size 2X pants. I don’t think I have ever tried on a size 18. I went from 16 to 2X and skipped everything in between. I have found that for me there’s about 15 pounds between numerical sizes.


Elizabeth • August 12, 2006 at 2:23 am

I’m obsessed with coupons too. I even play the grocery game EVERY WEEK without fail. Have you seen it before? http://www.grocerygame.com It shows you what to buy when with what coupons in your community and you wind up getting things for dirt cheap… some for free! And WTG on the new size!


maggie • August 12, 2006 at 9:42 am

I love your blog. I think you’re hillarious. I found it when I was trying to loose weight after having my third..(kid). I was looking for inspiration. I still visit your blog several times a week because I really enjoy reading your posts. Free entertainment! Thanks.


PastaQueen • August 12, 2006 at 4:27 pm

Peter – That also reminds me of the fact that in Britain “pants” are what Americans call “panties.” Way to add to confusion

Elizabeth – OMG, I think you have just introduced me to the heroin of coupon sites.


cc • August 15, 2006 at 2:02 pm

Which online site do you order your bras from?


Patty • August 15, 2006 at 2:10 pm

Way to go on the 2 lb weight loss and getting down to 210. Your blog is funny, enjoy reading it. As they say the grass is always greener….I’ve got the opposite problem about the boobs. They are too big! Thanks grandma. I mean when I was younger the boys couldn’t stop staring and then you are thinking, ‘do they like me or just like my boobs’. As as you get older and have a child, everything starts to sag unfortunately. I’m always saying, get these puppies off! It gets in the way of exercising, well really just running and just plain uncomfortable! So I know it’s hard to be on the little or big size of the scale in regards to chest size. Seems hard to be the perfect b or c. Of course there’s always the surgery option which some I know have had reductions or enlargements but I think that’s just too scary for me at this point…I will see what the wt loss bring but unfortunately the boobs prob. won’t go away as I had them when I was think before. Anyway, I started a blog but it’s not much yet…check it out it’s angelfish24 on the blogger.com site. Thanks for making me laugh!


PastaQueen • August 15, 2006 at 10:35 pm

cc – I’ve bought my last couple from Just My Size at http://jms.com. Someone else commented that http://www.biggerbras.com/ carries most sizes too, though I’ve never personally ordered there.


Kari • March 14, 2007 at 7:40 pm

I think I’m built similarly to you, or my fat is distributed in the same areas–mainly my thighs. Cursed! Also, I don’t have any ta-tas either. Sad. I’m pretty small on top–I could probably fit a medium. On the bottom however, I’m a 14. I’m not sure if I’m long-waisted, short-waisted, no-waisted, whatever… I always seem to have a hard time finding pants that fit me well. And I have a very flat ass, which makes finding pants that are flattering impossible. I should do more squats. Finally, I also have a crotch-binding issue with pants. I’m sure this is TMI, but I just wanted to tell you that I can relate to having no ta-tas and being heavier on the bottom.


Comments are now closed on all PastaQueen entries. The blog is an archive only so I don't have to deal with spammers. For fresh discussions please visit my new blog at JennetteFulda.com.

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

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