I finally did something I’ve been afraid to do for months – I read my blog archives. You might be asking yourself why this was an event that induced enough anxiety, fear and paranoia for me to start wishing for a Xanax and a chaser of rum. The problem was I couldn’t remember everything I’d mentioned in my archives, which go back two and a half years and cover several abortive weight loss attempts. Going back and reading them would be like looking at old yearbook photos. What if I discovered I’d had a mullet?
I’ve always been flattered when someone has told me they liked my writing enough to read all of the archives. But I would also get a little freaked out because I couldn’t remember exactly how revealing I’d been when I had assumed no one was reading. It’s a lot easier to dance like no one’s watching when no one’s actually watching. Had I said anything that might be embarrassing?
Thankfully, no. While taking my trip down memory lane I didn’t stumble upon any roadkill or multiple car pile ups that would make me recoil in horror. I do admit I paved a couple potholes by removing a sentence here or there, but there were no major construction projects requiring lane closings. (Now exiting construction metaphor zone. You may turn off your headlights.)
Reading the archives was like watching a movie that I already knew the plot to. I’d shake my head as our heroine got excited that she was going to escape from the dungeon. Silly girl! That doesn’t happen until at least Act II. Didn’t she get the script? I would read an entry from 2004 about how I was really going to lose weight this time and think to myself, “Sorry, sugar. It’s going to be at least another year before that starts happening.” It makes me glad I’m not psychic because I would be a serious buzzkill, always dashing people’s dreams.
In between these bursts of “No, seriously, I’m really going to do it this time,” I sensed an undercurrent of hopelessness and self-loathing. It was really unappealing actually. I think I would have preferred the mullet. I’d forgotten the extent to which I was unhappy with my life and circumstances when I was morbidly obese. There was a lot of ignorance and naiveté about how I was going to tackle this problem. I sometimes wanted to shake my past self and yell “No! That’s not going to work!”
Also, it took me awhile to figure out the voice and tone I wanted to take with this blog. A lot of the early entries don’t reflect my current style at all. It’s like watching the first season of The Simpsons where all the characters are drawn funny.
I’m glad I dipped back into the past though. What’s the point of keeping a journal if you don’t go back and read it now and then?