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Gee, Officer Krupke

Lest you think I like to hog the spotlight, today I’d like to share another successful weight loss story, that of Officer Krupke! No, not the character from West Side Story, but my cat. (Half of my readers suddenly scamper off thinking “Oh dear God, she’s blogging about her cat! Run! Run!”) The other half of you just started singing his song “Geeeeee, Officer Krupke…” and then stopped right there because you don’t know the rest of the lyrics. Don’t feel bad. No one does.

At Krupke’s last vet appointment the doctor said he needed to lose some weight or else as he got older he was in danger of developing diabetes, heart disease and kidney failure. Hey, that’s just like us humans! I used to let the little man have little pieces of chicken or steak from my plate, but visions of wrestling a cat to the floor and injecting him with insulin every day was enough to stop that behavior. I have stretch marks, I don’t need claw scars. Surprisingly, Krupke didn’t throw much of a fit over it. I thought he’d hate my guts and start pooping in my shoes, but other than a little whining he’s been cool about it. (I still check my sneakers every morning though, just to be safe.)

In the past month he’s lost an entire pound, which is quite a lot for a cat and more weight than I lost in all of April. The bastard just loves to show me up. I guess I wasn’t the only one who lost weight because of the stress from moving. Hiding under the bed for several days and barely eating is evidently good for weight loss, though it might freak out your relatives. I think it’s only acceptable behavior for those of us with four legs and a tail.

I know you all are just dying to know how Krupke did it. Atkins? South Beach? I’m sure he’d blog about the experience himself if his paws weren’t too big for the keys and he actually had some language skills. As it is, I don’t think he even knows his name and the only thing I’ve seen him type is inscrutable expressions like “Mkmlkiojjjhhasdfasdfsafasdfjkhjkh.” Random assortment of letters or highly advanced form of communication? I don’t know. Honestly, all I did was reduce the amount of cat food I feed him and stopped feeding him anything off my plate. No kitty Pilates required.

It’s good Krupke is losing weight because maybe it will stop people from coming over and exclaiming “Wow, that’s a big cat!” whenever they see him. It’s rather eerie, but at least four different people have described him that way. “Big cat.” At first it really pissed me off because I thought they were just calling him fat, which he of course is, but there’s no need to comment on it. I don’t go over to people’s houses and call their kids ugly. People don’t need to talk shit about my cat in my own home. But after I visited some relatives with cats I realized Krupke actually does have a large frame. He is a big cat, not just fat!

I don’t have any 3-D photos of Krupke’s progress, sorry. The idea of trying to get a cat to stand still for 8 different photos is even more impossible than shooting him up with insulin every day. However, here’s a not-too-old-but-not-really-recent-either picture of Krupke debating whether he should eat the “Go Lean Crunch!” or just take a swig of alcohol. Yes, now I’ve become one of those people who not only blogs about her cat but also posts pictures of her cat to her blog. If I was ever cool, I’m definitely not now.

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22 Comments

Anne • June 28, 2006 at 12:50 pm

I think I need to go on the “Hiding under the bed for several days and barely eating is evidently good for weight loss, though it might freak out your relatives” diet ;)

Made me laugh, thank you. I love your cat by the way.

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Jessi • June 28, 2006 at 1:01 pm

Mmmm…. GoLean Crunch!

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Laura • June 28, 2006 at 1:35 pm

My cat has a similar issue as yours…

One vet gave me this snotty look and said “you’re lucky he’s big-boned!”

Guess it’s time to cut back on the kitty treats.

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LauraBora from Bufadora • June 28, 2006 at 2:19 pm

First of all, you are wicked cool just for naming your cat Officer Krupke.

I also have a large cat — he’s not just fat, he’s just big. Every time someone new comes over and sees him they look at me like I’m crazy for taking in a fluffy orange water buffalo and ask what I’m feeding him.

I don’t over-feed him! He’s BIG BONED!

I loved the idea of going to someone’s house and saying, “Damn, your kids are UGLY.” I laughed out loud at work and startled my coworkers. :)

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Eh... not so much • June 28, 2006 at 2:55 pm

Yea verily, that is a cat who is big.

(What a nice selection of healthy cereals you have!)

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Jessica • June 28, 2006 at 3:21 pm

OMG. Funny.

I had a cat who weighed 22 pounds. He had a really big head.

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Hilly • June 28, 2006 at 3:59 pm

LOL, yes your cat is big but I am giggling at the vitamins, healthy cereal then pan stage right…the booze…yeah, baby ;)

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Michelle • June 28, 2006 at 6:02 pm

You’re cool to all of the cat lovers!! Maybe my cats, Jack & Peach, are trying to IM Officer Krupke… I always wondered. LOL!

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Chrissie • June 28, 2006 at 11:11 pm

Gee, Officer Krupke,

We’re down on our knees,

‘Cause no one wants a fellow with a social disease.

Gee, Officer Krupke,

What are we to do?

Gee, Officer Krupke,

Krup you!

I listened to the sound track for the West Side Story a whole lot as a kid. That is an awesome name for a cat. Awesome indeed.

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lainey • June 29, 2006 at 5:26 am

My cat is big too! He’s massive in fact. He’s 16lbs but he carries it really well. I would say both my mum’s cats would make up one of mine (Hoover is his name).

I was told to put him on a diet and I’ve cut back his crunchy biccies but he’s always hungry (nope- not worms), he’s just like his mummy – that’s me by the way. However, he’s on a killing spree at the moment is muching down at least 1 bird or mouse a day, heads and all. Nice.

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Sara • June 29, 2006 at 7:24 am

Long time lurker, but I had to post…you just crack me up. EVERY DAY. Too funny…I’m totally going on the “hide under bed and don’t eat” diet. :)

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Lynette • June 29, 2006 at 9:26 am

My cat has almost identical markings as Officer Krupke, and he a big-boned guy too. With a long tiger tail that’s always knocking things over!

they tell me get a job

like be a soda jerker

which means I’d be a slob

it’s not I’m anti-social

I’m only anti-work . . .

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randomfatgirl • June 29, 2006 at 9:26 am

YEEEESSS!!! Crown and cereal…breakfast of champions baby!! LOL :)

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Cathy • June 29, 2006 at 10:48 am

My cat needs to lose weight as well. The problem is that when her dish is empty, she wanders around my feet and cries until I feed her. If I continue to ignore her, she eventually scratches me or the kids…someone ends up with a cat scratch wound. My vet said to discipline her with a water gun so I am now trying to find a holster to carry my gun in since I never have it at the right time. Ugh! If she wasn’t on a prescription diet, I could at least feed her diet food.

Love your blog by the way!

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little miss ess • June 29, 2006 at 10:52 am

My Marcel weighs 19 lbs. Down from his high of 19.5. He’s got a gut for sure, but he is a giant, giant cat with a head the size of a large grapefruit and paws that are at least 3 inches across, and he is not a long-haired cat.

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Candy • June 29, 2006 at 11:09 am

Your cat is darned cute!

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SuzyQ • June 29, 2006 at 1:37 pm

Cat-blogging is ALWAYS cool, but I thought Friday was the official internet cat-blogging day! Good looking cat there, plus it is always good to have a back-up box of Go Lean Crunch. We could buy it by the case at my house. How come they don’t sell it in the gigantic box like Cheerios?

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Kelly • June 29, 2006 at 1:44 pm

My parents’ cat was a big boy too. He weighed 26 pounds and was overweight, but he was also just a BIG boy. When he was a kitten he had huge paws, huge ears, a huge nose, and a really long tail. He grew into them all.

Unfortunately he did pass away a few years ago from kidney disease so I’m glad Officer Krupke is slimming down a bit.

Btw, I love his name and did start singing the song and did only know those first 3 words. Then I just kind of trailed off…

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AnaBell • June 30, 2006 at 2:09 am

No cat here (don’t claw me, ha ha, I kill myself) but I have a dog. And everybody would tell me she was a really big dog. She is very furry so it’s hard to tell. It wasn’t until I went away for six months that I realized how big she really was. Now I know why strangers get scared. She is a giant (that only goes after crickets but don’t tell anybody)

And I loved the “he is xlbs but he carries really well” I say that about myself all the time.

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Mark • June 30, 2006 at 9:04 am

I say more cat posts!

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ky_expatriate • February 26, 2007 at 8:45 pm

On looking at Krupke — he’s the same pattern as Martin. How much does he weigh? Martin is — ulp — about 14 pounds. The vet’s never told me he’s overweight, though. Loki calls him “El Gordo,” but thankfully Martin doesn’t speak Spanish. Although lately, he’s been calling him “The Rutabaga.” Why, I have no idea.

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Dana • July 29, 2009 at 12:54 am

If he’s still got weight issues now, check his food ingredients. I don’t know why so many cat food makers come out with grain-based stuff. I know cats sometimes eat grass, and grain is technically grass, but grain is still not good for them.

Now, I feed mine a non-grain-based kibble and one of them’s still fat. I am suspicious that there may be something to the idea of raw feeding, which is becoming something of a fad amongst cat owners. They say cooking meat before making kibble out of it does stuff to the proteins that makes them kind of less digestible. The other thing is that even in hoity-toity, non-grain-based food they will add in things like sweet potatoes and cranberries. O_O Hello, it’s an obligate carnivore… where is all the salad coming from??

I’ll have to experiment with it though Not quite ready yet, we’re still in the midst of settling into our new place.

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Comments are now closed on all PastaQueen entries. The blog is an archive only so I don't have to deal with spammers. For fresh discussions please visit my new blog at JennetteFulda.com.

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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