I’m reaching a point where I’m starting to doubt the fact that I have lost this much weight. Maybe none of this has actually happened. Perhaps I am imagining it all while I’m floating in a pod full of mucus and my cerebral cortex is plugged into The Matrix.
I’m just two pounds away from having lost 150 pounds, so we’re definitely in the “Woah, you lost how much weight?” range of numbers. Some people go their whole lives without even weighing that much grand total, much less need to lose all of that.
I was carrying a 30 pound bucket of kitty litter in from my car yesterday and while the handle was attempting to slice through my fingers I thought “Damn, I still have to lose another two of these.” But then I thought, “Damn! I’ve already lost five of these!” How was I even able to walk around with all that extra weight? One would think I would have been permanently flattened to the ground like an astronaut during liftoff. PastaQueen, the human pancake, minus the blueberries. Speaking of blueberries, you’d think I’d have to be rolled around everywhere like that girl in “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” who turns into a human blueberry. How I survived without my own personal team of Oompa Loompas, I will never know.
Similarly, it’s hard to believe that I am now fitting into some of my goal clothing. The brown corduroy pants. The cute little tank top I bought back in the fall that I couldn’t zip up but bought anyway because it was on sale. I’ve been walking toward this point on the horizon for so long, I can’t believe I’m actually there, or pretty darn close to being there. It’s like what K was saying about her wedding the other weekend, that after all the anticipation and build up for the event, you have to keep reminding yourself that is in fact actually happening. I’m so used to it being something that’s going to happen someday that it’s hard adjusting to the fact that soon someday will be today. While that’s generally a good thing, it’s a bit scary to think this dream might actually come true because then I’m going to have to go find another dream. Um, is it too late to become an Olympic caliber figure skater? I bet I have an awesome triple Salchow in me somewhere! Michelle Kwan is shaking in her boots.
It makes me think of that Shel Silverstein book, The Missing Piece, which the Amazon.com description says is about “the nature of quest and fulfillment.” If I’m remembering the plot correctly (spoiler alert!), it’s about a circle with a wedge missing that goes looking for its missing piece. After a long search, it eventually finds the piece and rolls around with it for bit, but then decides to let the piece go because it misses the quest of looking for the piece. See, all you need to know about life can be found in children’s books! It’s like that saying, “It’s the journey, not the destination.” I know even when I get to goal I’ll still have to maintain, so the journey won’t really ever be “over.” But it’s going to be more like driving through Kansas than down the Appalachian mountains. I’ll need to find a more interesting travel route to some new destination to keep me interested in life.