The Easter holiday season is far and away the best holiday candy season. Peeps! White chocolate bunnies! Jelly beans! And my most favoritist, holiday candy ever – the Cadbury Crème Egg. Mmmm. If Jesus died for our sins, he should be glad these things hadn’t been invented yet because eating one must be worth at least ten “Hail Marys” in confessional.
Of course, now I am all reformed and good and a healthy eating role model for all you lovely readers, so I don’t binge on these things anymore like I did in previous years. Last year I just had a four pack on Easter day as well as two boxes of Peeps during the week and that was that. As opposed to previous years when I was responsible for the genocide of dozens of unborn chocolate chickens.
The other day I had a craving for the Crème egg, so I checked the Cadbury website and discovered that it’s only 170 calories. Okay, not exactly low, but I can fit that into my diet for a day. So I decided I would buy just one Cadbury Crème egg when I went to the grocery last Saturday. Only, BZZZT, wrong, Meijer doesn’t sell these things by the egg, just in four packs.
I briefly considered buying the four pack and having someone hide the rest from me, but decided that wouldn’t work. I would still know that they were in the house somewhere. Eventually I’d be jonesing for them so badly that I’d be ripping open down pillows and unscrewing light sockets looking for those missing three eggs. So, I left them on the shelf because pillows are much more expensive than you would think.
Two days later I was at Target and thought “Aha! Maybe they’ll sell me one perfect crème egg.” To my absolute shock and amazement, Target had not yet put out their Easter candy. I really thought I’d see a Yeti shopping for maxi pads before I’d see a store who hadn’t put out their Easter candy the day after Valentine’s day. I really should report them to headquarters. Is there a national Peeps shortage that I don’t know about? Surely fear of the bird flu hasn’t gotten that bad?
So, I still haven’t eaten my damn Cadbury Crème egg. Between this and the fact that they’ve actually removed the broken candy machine from my office floor and failed to replace it with anything, I think the universe is actually conspiring to keep me on my diet. What is with you, universe? Aren’t you supposed to be conspiring against me?