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Knitting Conundrum

I’ve been thinking about knitting a sweater, mostly because we keep it 64 degrees around here to save money. Yarn is cheaper than natural gas! With all this weight I’ve lost, I just don’t have as much insulation as I used to. My right hand, which is usually on my mouse and thus away from the heat of my body, is so cold that it feels like it’s going to fall off and shatter like supermarket china on the floor. Maybe I should just knit gloves instead.

First problem – I don’t knit. I crochet, but you generally don’t get as tight of a weave with crochet as you do with knitting and I’m all about locking away body heat. Not one calorie shall be wasted keeping my body temperature at a toasty 96.8. I have a knitting book with a sassy name called Stitch N’ Bitch that explains how to knit, so I know I can overcome this problem. Though there will evidently be some bitching involved.

The second problem – how big should I make this sweater? Not only am I losing weight, but I don’t know how fast I can knit. The faster I lose weight, the smaller I should make it. But the faster I knit, the bigger I should make it.

This is a calculus problem! Related rates. Eleventh grade math. Mrs. Stewart. The crazy lighthouse problem. It’s all coming back to me, except of course how to actually do any of the math. I remember I really loved doing related rates, mostly because I was and am a loser geek. But even I didn’t know they had actual real world applications.

I probably shouldn’t even try making a sweater because I’ll just get bored of it. I did learn how to do a basic knit stitch in high school and started a really long black and white striped sweater – which is still unfinished over 7 years later. I seem to only have the patience for small projects like bags and hats. I think this is why I like to blog so much. Entries don’t have to hold my attention for too long.

Okay, I’m bored. Bye-bye.

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7 Comments

Queen • December 6, 2005 at 10:49 am

How about just a scarf? Or even a PONCHO so that you can wear it in the Spring just as a THROW ON sort of thing.

There’s lots of patterns for them and you can KNIT or CROCHET. It goes fast and you won’t be so bored so quickly.

That is unless your fingers are continually frozen, like mine. I have never been so cold in all my life. Everyone laughs cause I dress like I’m ready for the TUNDRA. Even in the house. Layer. Layers of LAYERS. I don’t care. Let’em laugh all they want, I’ve lost it and when I’m done losing I’m thinking that my body thermostat will work it all out.

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kathryn • December 6, 2005 at 3:08 pm

I was going to suggest a scarf also – at least then you can stop when you get bored (and even use it as a pot holder if you get bored really quickly).

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T_Stormcrowe • December 7, 2005 at 6:37 am

My wife is a crochet and knitting hobbyist(and she’s GREAT!) her blog is http://craftymrsstormcrowe.blogspot.com and she can most likely answer ANY question involving crochet, knitting, tatting, and any other way to process yarn, thread, and so on!

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Kirsten • December 7, 2005 at 6:37 am

Is everyone in the world eventually going to learn to knit? I started last week… on my fingers. I’ve got about half a scarf done – it’s really fast, but you need very chunky yarn.

But as to the proper stuff on needles, you’re on your own. That’s the kind of maths problem that makes my brain want to slope off somewhere and leave me to it.

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slush • December 9, 2005 at 4:07 pm

I’m a crocheter who recently learned to knit…and uh, it was super hard to learn after being used to crochet, and it takes a million years. I would just crochet with double strands, or with super bulky on hooks that are too small to get it tighter. And even if the sweater is too big when you are done, you can just wear more stuff under it to be warmer. Since I’ve lost weight, I’m always freezing, and you will probably just get colder the more you lose :) Nothing wrong with big sweaters.

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Jen • January 11, 2006 at 10:51 am

I joined a Stitch N Bitch group. We meet on Sunday mornings at an adult toystore (smittenkittenonline.com) because the owner of the store started the group. I’ve found it a fabu way to work out my knitting issues. I learned to knit when I was really young, learned to crochet about 3 years ago, and just re-learned how to knit. The girls and guys at the group are fantastically patient about helping me through my issues. Maybe you can find a group? I hear there is a message board on line listing all the groups.

I say you should knit a big chunky tunic-y sweater with some bulky weight or fisherman weight yarn. The heavier yarn will go faster and as you shrink beneath it, you’ll have that big cozy sweater thing going on. You’ll be wearing it mostly around the house, yes? I have a sweater I bought at Lane Bryant for $4 on clearance. It was a cowl-neck sweater and I didn’t like the neck so I carefully cut it off. I wear it when I’m feeling chilly though I get a bit of the Flashdance look since the neck hole is so big now.

Get one sweater done so you can practice your technique on it and when you’re smaller, you can make a smaller one that much easier and faster. Seasons change so by next winter/fall, you’ll probably have a better idea of size for next season.

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birkoff_[!2] • May 11, 2008 at 1:08 pm

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Comments are now closed on all PastaQueen entries. The blog is an archive only so I don't have to deal with spammers. For fresh discussions please visit my new blog at JennetteFulda.com.

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JennetteFulda.com now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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