I’ve been trying to figure out what exactly I did so I can keep on doing it. All I can guess is that I’ve kept my self happily distracted the past week with work, TV, Internet surfing, and socializing. The socializing included pizza and cake though, so I don’t know how that figures in. I’ve felt happier and bouncier ever since the sun returned to Indiana. The secret to weight loss might be happiness. I know people tend to believe weight loss leads to happiness, but I think it’s the other way around. I do best losing weight when I’m feeling good and the other areas of my life are in balance. (And when I’m eating lots of pizza, evidently.)

Thankfully I was at home, and the only person who saw a flash of my clean white undies was my roommate (and possibly the two cats). Regardless of what we ultimately blame for this incident, be it the textile industry or the size of my ass, one cannot ignore that this is a stereotypically fat-person thing to do. I may as well have sat on a chair which collapsed beneath me. As I mentioned on Wednesday, I clearly need help.

If my life were an episode of that old VH1 series, “Behind the Music,” this moment in my life would be the time when I hit rock bottom after spiraling downward in a heroin and cocaine fueled whirlwind, only I used ice cream and chocolate instead. For those of you just entering the story, I developed a chronic headache two years ago that really f*$%ed me up. It changed the way I thought about food, making me see it more as a coping mechanism than I ever had before.

While we can blame at least 80% of my weight gain on the pain, depression and medications, the headache excuse is getting a bit old. At this rate, I might try blaming the poor economy and the high unemployment rate on my headache too. It has become the easy excuse for anything that is going wrong, just like being fat used to be. I’ve been managing my headache a lot better this year, and there’s no reason that I should be gaining weight. The real reason is that I haven’t been on the case lately, and because last December I snuck down some chimneys to eat cookies people just left lying around for some Santa person. When I braved the scale on Monday, I discovered I had gained ten pounds in one week.

Ten pounds!

Which explains why my pants split. But, I’m not one to wallow or whine. Instead, I’ve decided this is my theme song for 2010:

For those of you at work who can’t turn your speakers on, the song is “One More Time” by Daft Punk. It’s happy and upbeat and as the lyrics repeat over and over, we’re going to do this “one more time.” Fitting, because I’m going to do it one more time. Grand total, I’ve gained 50 pounds from the weight I felt comfortable at and maintained for a year and a half. It sucks, but it’s hardly unusual. Unfortunately people gain back weight all the time.

I have decided that when I fill out my National Weight Control Registry form next year I am going to be reporting a loss. I have decided that when I weigh in at my doctor’s office, the numbers will be going down. I have decided that I am going to lose the weight again and keep it off, and anyone who says that’s impossible can bite me (preferably in the thigh, which is high in cellulite).

I could look at my weight gain as a purely bad thing, but I will look at it as an opportunity to achieve another goal I can be proud of. I will be the girl who regained 50 pounds and then lost it and didn’t gain it back. *fingers crossed* Which is why I like the Daft Punk song. It is happy and talks about celebrating one more time, and that’s just what we’re going to do. As anyone who watched “Behind the Music” knows, the story always ends triumphantly with a comeback. I am all fired up and I have a plan!

I think my thinking is what’s really different from when I was thinner. Two years ago I wouldn’t have considered ordering the stuffed cinnamon pancakes at Bob Evans, and last week I barely cared that I did. When I first lost weight, I learned all the nutrition and fitness information I had been lacking all my life, so I’m certain I know how to lose weight now. I need to get back into the proper mindset to make it happen. That’s why I’m doing The Beck Diet Solution, which is a six-week cognitive therapy program that is supposed to help with behavior modification. I’ll be updating you on how that goes. I’ve got my note cards and my pen and my journal with the dopey cover that I got from Hallmark. How can I fail?

I’m not going to weigh in here, because I think that would drive me five kinds of crazy. I do have a little widget in the bottom right of the page from Traineo that says how many pounds I have to go. I’m setting my first goal to just lose 20 pounds, then we’ll go from there.

I also have to admit, I debated whether to write about this publicly. I wrote a weight-loss memoir two years ago, and I know a lot of newbies will be arriving here because of new year’s diet resolutions. I was concerned they’d see this post and think, “Well, this girl is obviously a big failure. I’m not going to buy her book! In fact, I’ll write the publisher and demand they burn every existing copy!” Ultimately though, I decided it’s just best to be honest, and to never give up on what you want. (And hey, if you buy it, there’s still time to win that free camera!)

The only good thing about this, besides the chance to prove myself again, is that my favorite pair of brown corduroys fit again! They were my “goal pants” back when I was trying to lose weight in college. Those pants reminded me that I’ve been way fatter than I am now, so things could be a lot worse. Anyway, here’s to the first 20 pounds in 2010!

Here’s where I stand with my 2009 goals:

1) Continue to pursue headache treatments

I first went to the headache clinic in January of 2009. Within a few months, we were managing my headache much better, though not ridding me of it completely. We’re still tweaking meds, but overall this goal was pretty much met.

2) Work to become full-time freelancer

I chucked my job in July of 2009 and haven’t looked back. I don’t know how I ever coped with working in an office in the first place. I still don’t have a long-term health insurance solution, but I’ll deal with that at the end of 2010. Another goal accomplished!

3) Maintain my weight with regular fitness and health eating

I’m going to give myself a C+ on this one. I continued to gain weight at the beginning of the year, but I’ve been maintaining for the past several months. I could do better, but managing the headache comes before weight loss, even in this list.

4) Secret goal I will not reveal because I like driving you crazy

Also, I did absolutely nothing to work on this goal, so major FAIL on my part.

5) Travel outside the country

Done. I saw London, I saw France! I only packed four pairs of underpants! (Travel light, and do laundry in the sink.)

Overall, pretty good job, but there is room for improvement. After some thought, here are my goals for 2010:

1) Secret goal I will not reveal to preserve an air of mystery

2) Lose at least 20 pounds by July.

3) Travel to at least 3 new places.

4) Finish and promote headache memoir

5) Another secret goal, in case I hadn’t driven you mad already.

I’ve printed my goals and taped them to my desk. Now I just have to achieve them!

Those are the things I ate on vacation.

When I stepped on the scale Wednesday morning, I held my breath, stared at the nail hole in the closet wall in front of me, and dreaded looking down when the scale beeped. Then I exhaled and smiled because I had lost four pounds. I suppose all that nonsense about French women not getting fat was true.

Even though I ate all those scrumptious, delectable foods listed above, I also walked so far that my feet hurt at the end of every day. I walked and walked and walked because I knew something old and/or magnificent was hiding just around the corner, like a Metro stop leading back to the hotel. I probably walked 6 or 7 miles every day. I got blisters. I walked and walked and didn’t gain a single pound, even though I ate total crap.

Now that I’ve been back in the states for a week, I have been missing this alternate reality I lived in for 8 days. I very much enjoyed this universe where I was able to eat a chocolate sandwich for lunch and make more room in my jeans on the same day. It has made me wonder on the couch how I could make this reality a part of my daily life, but it occurred to me I’d have to get off the couch to do it. Walking 6 or 7 miles a day would start to get old pretty fast, especially when I wasn’t seeing new and fascinating things every day.

So, I’ll go back to my normal life instead, where I walk 2 miles during my lunch break and my feet don’t always hurt and sadly, there are no chocolate sandwiches for lunch.

.

.

.

Oh, you want me to say something else about this? All right.

After spending most of 2008 in pain, I began to bottom out in September, eventually started yelling at my readers, and went on anti-depressants because life was a meaningless pit of shit with no drain. I also stopped exercising and started eating more, like those chocolate covered nuts from Fresh Market and the Dove ice cream pints with a solid layer of chocolate on top and an entire Papa John’s pizza and a box of breadsticks on Oscar night.

I didn’t mention any of this because 1) Duh, it sucks to talk about and 2) The times I did start to write about it I had to mention my headache and I wasn’t going to do that again, so I never hit “Publish.”

Regardless of your views on obesity and what a healthy weight is, gaining a pound a week for months on end is not a good thing unless you’re recovering from anorexia. I kept weighing in everyday and marked it on my calendar, as depressing as that was, but I was depressed anyway, so who could tell the difference? I would tell myself, “This really needs to stop,” but then my pain would say, “LOOK AT ME!!” and punch me in the face and I’d add another ice cream pint to the bill.

Thankfully, the medications have tuned down the pain level so it does not envelope my whole life anymore. I can drive past the Fresh Market, think of the vanilla chocolate covered crunch bin, and keep on driving without remorse. Which just shows it’s easier to deal with an addiction when you are not facing a trigger 24 hours a day. As a result, I’ve been maintaining my weight for the last few months and haven’t had to buy any new pants since December.

You are free to think what you want about all this. You can say it is proof that people cannot lose weight and keep it off. You can say it shows I am a human being and you like me even more because of it. You can say I got what I deserved for writing a blog and a book about weight loss and how happy I was. You can say you are proud that I am talking about it and you think I’m inspirational because of it. All I think it proves is that my head hurt and I needed the ice cream.

I know I should be horribly devastated by this, that I should be weeping that my weight starts with the number two, that I am such a horrible disappointment to everyone who called me an inspiration and blah, blah, blah, but really? Honestly? I’m fine. It is not the worst thing to happen to me. A chronic headache that would not go away for over a year is the worst thing that ever happened to me, and if someone said I had to gain another 20 pounds to make the headache go away completely I would say, “Hand me the Ho-Ho’s!”

You know all that stuff I said in my blog and my book about how my life had changed, but it wasn’t just because of my weight? The stuff I said about how it was doing things I was proud of and liking myself as a person? You know, all that bullshit thin people say when they’re not fat anymore? Well, what do you know? It’s true! I actually meant it! I am as full of myself as ever, but even more so because there’s more to be full of! I am flying off to Europe on two month’s notice even if I am up two jean sizes. I am running a blog and doing freelance design work on the side and earning book royalties like a real business woman. I am doing other stuff that I am proud of but can’t talk about on the blog because it’s private. Feel free to call me an arrogant narcissist in denial. I’ll call you back collect from Paris!

Kirstie Alley was on Oprah this week, and I tried very hard to avoid the show, but even though I don’t have cable I still saw a dozen ads for it and saw clips of it on of the nightly entertainment news magazines. Kirstie Alley is an American actress who got fat a few years ago, lost a lot of weight as the Jenny Craig spokeswoman, appeared in a bikini on Oprah, and then got fat again. She was on the show talking about all this and all I could think while watching the clips were, “I do not give a shit.” If Kirstie Alley wants to sit at home and eat nothing but Twinkies, more power to her. And if Kirstie Alley wants to set up a home gym in her dining room and pose on the cover of health magazines, more power to her. Neither situation makes her better or worse as a human being, it just means she’s making different life choices, and they’re her choices to make, so could everyone get over it already? It shouldn’t have to be “brave” to tell people that working out sucks and you like chocolate. It just makes you human. It shouldn’t be a story to be discussed on multiple news outlets, not when we could be talking about how cute the Obama’s new dog is.

All that said, Kirstie Alley seemed pissed that she hadn’t been taking care of herself, which brings up this question:

“But PQ, what about your health? Aren’t you concerned about your health?”

Ha, ha, ha, ha! Sorry, give me a minute to – ha, ha, ha! In the past year I’ve had two MRI’s, two CTs, and more blood tests than I can count. My blood pressure has been taken. My pulse has been counted. Literally dozens of medical professionals have examined me and all they can do is rave over how healthy I am. They say, “PastaQueen, you are a paradigm of good health!” and I tell them, “No, I’m not!” and then I go see another doctor and the cycle continues. So please, do not stare at your bedroom ceiling at night worried about my health.

That said, I am not 100% comfortable with my weight gain. I still get called to do book-related interviews from time to time and if I have to meet someone in person I worry if they will think I’m too fat to do a story about my book. No one has said anything to me, but I’m not sure if that’s because their mommas taught them manners or if they just look at the “before” photo like I do and think, “Yeah, she’s lost a lot of weight.” I’m still down 160 pounds, which is an entire person, which is another reason I’m not weeping into a spinach salad right now. It all depends on your perspective

Now that my headache is momentarily contained, I’ve been eating better and I’ve started walking during my lunch breaks. I’m getting back into it and I wouldn’t mind dropping 20 pounds. But…weight loss is not the most important thing in my life. It certainly was the most important thing in my life for the first two years when I was dropping dress sizes every few months. When I told people, “I want to be thin,” what I was really saying was, “I want to lead the life I want to live.” Losing all the weight has made me confident and taught me to believe in myself and has allowed me to live my life in ways that I never could before, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m living my life. That has less to do with being fat or thin than most people think.

I still weigh every day. I’m still mindful of what I eat. I still think, “I need to exercise today” and sometimes I do. But even if I weren’t doing those things, I would still be me and like I said in my book, the fat PastaQueen was a funny, kind, person too. I am still me no matter how inflated or deflated my fat cells are and I’d hope you guys will remember that about yourselves too.

You can judge me as you will, fat or thin or somewhere in between. If I got to change one thing about my body I’d fix my headaches first, give myself normal feet second, and attend to the weight thing third, because it doesn’t bother me that much. I’m so tired of writing about my body, but I’ve written about my weight so much in this place I felt an obligation to put it out there. And hey, how cute is the Obama’s new dog?

It was exactly 4 years ago today that I stepped on a scale and then stepped on a treadmill and finally stepped into a new phase of my life. Happy fativersary to me!

I started out at 372 pounds, a number I would rather possess in foreign currency than write down on my weight chart. After over two and half years of work, I hit a low of 170.8 pounds (partially induced by stress I dared not blog about). That weight was a bit too low for me, since I still like to eat a donut now and then. Instead, I maintained a weight of 180 pounds for a good while, was happy with my size, and bopped happily down nature trails and treadmills as I trained for a half marathon and promoted my book.

Then after almost a year of unrelenting chronic pain, I entered another phase of my life which involved depression and compulsive eating, gaining back about 25 pounds. And quite frankly my dear, I didn’t give a damn, because I was so foregone.

Lately, I have stabilized both mentally and physically. I haven’t gained any more weight in the past few months and my secret, late-night dates with the freezer department at Marsh have become infrequent. I am hopeful that as I continue to pursue medical treatment, I will regain the health and energy necessary to work off that weight and enter yet another phase of my life.

That’s the story so far. It keeps going. I lose weight. I gain a bit back. I lose it again. That’s life. That’s my body. It takes time and work and a sense of perspective.

It does not involve acai berries or colon cleanses, which I only mention because along with the new year there has been a rise in scammers wishing to take advantage of people who have made resolutions to lose weight. Steve from Weight Loss Weapons has made a master list of sites that are pretending to be blogs but are in fact fronts created to sell you sham products so their owners can make big profits. Don’t be fooled!

One of these sites tried to place an ad on my site earlier this week, but it seemed fishy to me so I rejected them. (Yes, I sometimes turn down ads. It’s not just a line in my advertising policy.) These sites are pretending to be run by regular people who are telling their life stories (like I do here on this blog), but they’re fake. They want you to trust them because they act like they are part of our community, but they are just twisting that sense of social connection for their own means. It’s kind of disgusting, even grosser than the idea of a colon cleanse. I was hesitant to link to the list of sites because I don’t want anyone clicking on the links and buying the products, but I think it’s better to warn people about the fraud than pretend it’s not out there.

To all of you looking to celebrate your own fativersary, good luck! All we have is time and each other. Skip the acai berries and invest in yourself instead. You won’t regret it.

I was wondering what weight chart did you use when determining what you should weigh? – Liz

Asking this question is like asking “How many guys do I have to sleep with before I’m a slut?” It depends. One person’s answer is not necessarily going to be the same as another’s. Just like your sluttiness, you goal weight is subjective.

I had been fat my entire adult life, so setting a goal weight was tricky. I didn’t have a frame of reference for my ideal body weight. People who have been skinny before can refer to the weight they liked their body at best, whereas I was just making my best guess at what weight would be good for me. Plus, I couldn’t exactly go up to people I thought looked good and say, “How much do you weigh?” (Not until I took a self-defense course first.)

Instead, I took a look at the BMI (body mass index) chart to determine the range of weight that was recommended for someone of my height. The body mass index is determined by dividing your weight by your height squared. The ideal BMI is between 18.5 and 25. There are many calculators online like this one from the National Institutes of Health that will do the tricky math stuff and metric conversions for you. The BMI is not perfect, so chill out before you write that comment that says Michael Jordan would be considered obese according to BMI. I consider the BMI to be a guideline, not a non-negotiable rule. One of the things I’ve learned in life is that almost everything’s negotiable.

I set my goal for 160 because it was at the high end of the BMI charts and seemed attainable. However, as I approached my goal I continued to reassess my weight and determined I was happier at 180. This was the weight I landed at when I was eating healthy 95% of the time and exercising regularly. Just as some people are naturally taller or darker skinned or better at foosball than others, some people are naturally a bit chubbier and skinnier than the “norms.” It’s quite possible that you can eat the same things and exercise as much as someone the same height and gender as you, and you’d weigh different amounts. Some bodies are just better at retaining fat than others. Them’s the breaks. Blame your DNA.

I think it best to set an initial goal weight and reassess it as you get closer depending on your overall health and how you feel about your body. You might find you’re very happy at your goal. Other people might find they ideally want to weigh less or more. What’s most important is being in touch with your body and figuring out what’s best for it.

I should also note, that while most people set a goal weight when starting a weight loss program, you can also set a goal dress size, goal measurements, or set a fitness goal like running a 5K. It’s good to have non-scale victories because weight is not the best determiner of fat loss. If you gain muscle and lose fat, you might actually weigh more even though your body has become slimmer, yet more dense. Whatever goals you set, good luck achieving them!

Disclosure: I was sent the Mary Lou’s Weigh platform for free in exchange for an unbiased review of the product.

Mary Lou Retton is an Olympic gymnast who won a gold medal in 1984 and has recently developed the Mary Lou’s Weigh Platform, a scale which is not really a scale. Instead, the platform secretly records how much you weigh the first time you step on it and then tells you how much weight you’ve lost or gained since your initial weight.

When I say it tells you how much weight you’ve lost, I mean that literally. Mary Lou’s recorded voice not only relays your results, she gives you tips about eating protein and drinking more water. When you reach a new low weight, you get a round of applause. Every time you lose 10 pounds, the platform resets, part of a strategy to break huge weight-loss goals down into more manageable intermediate goals.

I like the philosophy behind the scale and the emphasis put on fitness and health rather than weight, particularly in the included booklet, DVD and the web site. Mary Lou has 4 daughters and has never allowed a scale in her house because she doesn’t want them to obsess over a number. I also empathize with people who are scared to look at the number on a scale. When I first weighed myself over four years ago I was scared to look at the number for fear that I’d crossed the 400-pound mark. Mary Lou’s Weigh Platform is a good way to track progress without becoming overly focused on a number.

However, it’s also kind of cheesy. I know Mary Lou Retton is not actually talking to me. I know the applause is not real. It’s just a computer giving me feedback. I find it annoying that the scale is trying to act like a person when it is clearly not a person. It is the same annoyance I feel when I call for customer service and an automated phone attendant asks me to say what department I want. I’d prefer just to see a + or – number on the scale rather than hear the voice, just like I’d rather hit a touch tone pad than to enunciate “Yes” or “No” creepily into the phone when everyone at work eyes me oddly.

Also, I know “perky” is her brand, but she’s just a bit too chipper for me to take, particularly early in the morning when I weigh myself. The designers of the platform seem to have anticipated this response though, including this Q & A in the user booklet:

“If I shoot my Platform, will it still work??”

Unfortunately, the Platform isn’t bulletproof. It will no longer work, if you shoot it.

“If I tell my Platform to ’shut up!’ will Mary Lou Retton get her feelings hurt?”

Mary Lou will not take it personally if you need to express yourself during your daily weighing.

The scale also won’t work well for the hearing impaired or for people who don’t want to wake up their family in the morning. It is however very good for scaring cats who stumble upon the platform and tear off for the bedroom in terror at the chipper voice of Mary Lou telling them to “Step on the platform!”

The package also includes a booklet called “Lite reading” which is nicely designed visually and includes a lot of practical weight loss advice, though it’s nothing you wouldn’t find in the latest issue of Prevention or Women’s Health, just like the advice Mary Lou gives you after you weigh in. It sounds like a good idea in theory, to deal out small amounts of information daily, but I don’t want my scale telling me to drink more water. Duh, I know this. Just shut up already.

Evidently, in the future you will be able to buy cartridges that include new advice to preserve your sanity after Mary Lou has told you to eat more protein for the 30th time. They are not currently available on the site though. If they were, I’d be tempted to buy one just so I could hack it with my own advice. I have friends with soldering irons and deviant minds who could be of great help :)

The platform also comes with a DVD which includes an interview with Mary Lou that has that same bizarro quality found in any infomercial. Really, is anyone ever this happy to talk about a scale that is not a scale?

There was also a moment when I thought the universe might implode upon itself when Mary Lou stepped on her own platform and got advice from herself. It was like the moment in Being John Malkovich when he dives inside his own mind.

The DVD also includes answers to frequently asked questions, instructions on how to use the platform, and video of Mary Lou’s 1984 victory, which I will admit, was hella inspiring. It also revealed that Bela Karolyi is so ancient he may well be a vampire.

The platform appears to be a gateway to get people involved in Mary Lou’s website, which could hypothetically include more products in the future featuring her brand name. I like the attitude and the intent behind the program and I find it admirable that Mary Lou admits on the DVD that losing 20 pounds was one of the hardest things she had to do. I’m also glad to see her endorsing a healthy approach to weight management, particularly considering how screwed up gymnasts can be encouraged to be about their body image. As Mary Lou says:

People who know me understand that I don’t believe in quick fixes,” explains Mary Lou. “When it comes to weight loss or any goal, what’s required is a commonsense plan, proven tools, achievable goals and ongoing motivation.

Word.

Overall, I think Mary Lou’s Weigh Platform is a good idea that could still use some tweaking.

And now, you have a chance to win Mary Lou’s Weigh Platform! I’m sure there are a lot of people out there just starting their weight loss programs who would benefit from having this platform. For half a nanosecond, I thought of giving it to my brother who is in need of a scale, and then collapsed on the carpet in a fit of giggles resembling an epileptic seizure. This is definitely a girl’s scale.

To win the platform, you must be a US resident or be willing to have the platform shipped to a US address. (Sorry, I’m shipping this myself and don’t want to pay for international shipping.) To enter, you have until 11:59pm on Wednesday, January 7, 2009 to leave a comment on this entry with a phrase you wish Mary Lou would say when you step on the platform. A winner will then be chosen randomly. Good luck!

This contest is now closed

I was never a skinny child. I never had a thin version of me to compare myself too. I only had the morbidly obese Jennette who spun herself into her own world of possibilities, one that exists in a parallel dimension from the skinny version. When I was losing weight, I would compare my current body to the fatter version of me. I could hang out with this fatter friend of mine in my mind where she made me feel skinny in her shadow. Even at 230 pounds I was 140 pounds lighter than the fattest me.

This year I’ve been dealing with chronic pain, the stress of a book release, and a variety of other happenings that are not ready for blogdom. Eating well and exercising shifted from being my top priority to being number four or five in my top ten life priorities, so I gained 20 pounds. On the way down I compared myself to the fattest version of me, but on the way up I compare myself to the thinnest version of me. Instead of seeing myself as 170 pounds lighter, I see myself as 20 pounds fatter.

I know this is silly. I know I’m not obese. I look in the mirror and think I’m pretty. I’m grateful that I can run and squat and cross my legs. I’m in better health than I’ve been for most of my life. But sometimes I resent making a slightly more perfect version of myself. I hate that I judge myself against her. I hate that other people compare me to her. I hate that I know I could be her again if I worked harder or cared more. I hate that she’s out there, existing as a possibility I one day made flesh, but faded out of reality and into the mirror world of what-ifs.