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Stealing a loaf of bread would be cliché

When I was 8 years old, I stole a granola bar from the grocery store. They were in a large bin and looked tasty, so I grabbed one and smuggled it out of the store in my underpants. I was a poor thief though, squirming and squiggling enough on the way home that my mom busted me. I was scolded, but we didn’t bother to return the bar because it was a cheap purchase and didn’t seem worth it. Also, it had been in a grade-schooler’s underpants. That definitely marked it not for resell. The worst thing, besides feeling incompetent for being caught and smashing all previous records on my personal guilt meter, was that the granola bar tasted like ass. I don’t think this had anything to do with my underpants. If you’re going to steal food, steal something tasty.

While I can blame my food thievery on my youth, I was surprised to read that meat was the most shoplifted item in American grocery stores in 2005, or so says the Food Marketing Institute. [...]

This is why the trains don’t run on time

Crash dieting is not only bad for your health, it’s bad for the public transit system. Sick subway passengers were the third highest reason for subway disruptions in New York, with fainting dieters who haven’t eaten topping the sick list.

I’ve never fainted in my life. The closest I came was at the veterinarian’s office when I skipped breakfast to make the appointment in time. The room was hot and I felt myself getting dizzy and nauseous, though I was at exactly the wrong kind of doctor’s office to get sick. This is the kind of disaster you are courting when you skip breakfast, collapsing on a tile floor contaminated with doggie drool and parakeet poop. They fed me crackers and a glass of water and gave me a nice neck rub and I felt better. Okay, not the neck rub. But I probably would have sat up and begged for one if offered a good enough treat.

When you watch old TV shows or movies, women are fainting all the time, so you’d think we’d all [...]

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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