I needed winter pajamas, not my flimsy summer pajamas that keep me cool in the summer months. The pink hearts and polka dots are cute, but I needed pajamas that would keep me warm enough under the covers that I could turn the heat down to 60 degrees for the night. That’s because I am becoming my mother, a woman who kept the house at 64 degrees during the winter to save on heating bills so we could afford to pay the mortgage. (Hi, Mom!)

At the time, I was not happy that I had to pile on comforters when I watched TV and that I had to wear layers of sweaters to keep warm. I would beg to turn up the heat a degree or two, and she would usually oblige. But now that my electric bill is creeping up and the stock market has crashed down, I’ve decided my mother was a smart lady and that the cost of a thick pair of pajamas will save me money on electricity in the long run.

These are the pajamas I got, Simply Vera Wang microfleece, except they have polka dots instead of a checkered pattern. They also don’t float in midair on their own, so I obviously got a defective pair. They are comfy and warm and will probably pay for themselves in a month or two.

I’ve been trying to think of other ways to cut costs. My job is safe for now, but I don’t know what 2009 will bring. There are always unexpected bills. I try to use coupons, but frequently I get coupon anxiety coupled with coupon guilt. I got my oil changed last weekend, but felt stupid that I’d forgotten to bring my dollar off coupon. The worry I felt was not worth the $1.00 I would have saved. I go through my coupons in my billfold occasionally and feel guilty for every expired coupon I forgot to use because I have not saved as much money as I could have. It is like life is a game and I’m not scoring as many points as I could. I will never get my initials on the high-score list this way.

Has anyone else been doing things to save money? I hear Goodwill is doing good business. I’ve cut back on buying new clothes unless it’s necessary. I’m not buying the new TV I was going to get before the recession. These are not drastic choices and aren’t anywhere near the sacrifices other people are making, but I wonder how everyone else is managing.

I’ve heard that at least one person in my department of nine people will probably be let go, maybe more. If it’s me, I hope I don’t cry, or that I can at least hold my tears until I reach the parking garage and can blow mucus into the napkins I store in my car to clean up messes like these. If it’s one of my coworkers, it will be strange and awkward and sad and I won’t know what to say or what to feel. Everyone here does their job well. There is just not enough money to pay everyone.

I read the news on my computer monitor and I know I am not alone. Citigroup is laying people off. The car industry is in trouble. Unemployment is at an unexpected high. I think of Rod who used to be a janitor, but is now a homeless tour guide. I know it will get worse before it gets better and that a new president cannot wave a magic wand and give us all unicorns to ride to work. At least not by February.

The last time there was a major stock market crash it was Black Monday, 1987 a week after my parents put their house on the market. I was just a kid then and it was not my responsibility to pay rent every month and buy food for me and two kitties. This is the first time I’ve lived through a recession where I am the one responsible for my own survival. I don’t think I have accepted how bad it will be yet. I am still living the same life I’ve always led, though I have put off buying a new TV until my old one breaks. When the massacre occurs at work a week from Wednesday and I see one of my friends, or perhaps myself, packing up personal belongings, I think it will start to sink in.

I know I will survive. I have plenty of family, most of whom I am on speaking terms with. We will support each other and prevent one another from living in the gutter and giving tours of Indianapolis. During the Great Depression my great-grandmother sold cinnamon rolls to make money and we still have the recipe. We will get by. But the future is uncertain. Perhaps the future has always been uncertain, but it’s only now that it has taken off its mask to let us stare it in the face.