Photo by sethw / CC BY-SA 2.0

I was so distracted by my cold yesterday, that I forgot to mention I also have an intermittent toothache, all in addition to that constant headache I’ve had for almost two years. (Our anniversary is only 6 days away!) Anyway, I’m not dead yet, but the toothache rather annoys me on a philosophical level, which my other aches and pains have failed to do. The toothache only arrived after I had a decaying filling replaced three weeks ago, which I only did because I thought it would prevent a toothache. Irony, I hate you.

The tooth only hurts when cold water or hot coffee gets on it. Then it will ache for 20-60 minutes while I think, “Root canal, root canal, I really want a root canal.” Which just serves as proof that the pain drives me temporarily insane. The rest of the time it’s perfectly fine and I forget it’s even a problem. I’ve been back to the dentist twice now and he hammered on it and blew cold [...]

• Continue reading "Tell me your dental horror stories"

By the way, I’ve gained 35 pounds in the past year. Have a nice day, everybody!

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Oh, you want me to say something else about this? All right.

After spending most of 2008 in pain, I began to bottom out in September, eventually started yelling at my readers, and went on anti-depressants because life was a meaningless pit of shit with no drain. I also stopped exercising and started eating more, like those chocolate covered nuts from Fresh Market and the Dove ice cream pints with a solid layer of chocolate on top and an entire Papa John’s pizza and a box of breadsticks on Oscar night.

I didn’t mention any of this because 1) Duh, it sucks to talk about and 2) The times I did start to write about it I had to mention my headache and I wasn’t going to do that again, so I never hit “Publish.”

Regardless of your views on obesity and what a healthy weight is, gaining a pound a week for months on end is not a good thing unless you’re [...]

• Continue reading "So, about my weight"

Last month I was standing in line at Kroger, just like I’ve spent days of my life standing in line at Kroger. I was tired, I didn’t want to be there, and the lady in front of me was paying with a check.

As I shifted my weight from foot to foot, I was surprised, not by Jessica Simpson’s weight gain flashed on the tabloid covers, but by how I felt. My headache isn’t that bad right now. Weird. The same constant pressure was in my skull as it has been 24 hours a day since February 2008. Normally a long line at the grocery store and a bad mood would make it scream, but it was just holding steady at its normal background hum.

The headache clinic I have been going to since January (and not blogging about for my sanity and yours) makes me keep a headache diary. I record the level of my headache in the morning, noon, evening and night. They use a 1-5 scale where the numbers mean:

1 – Low level headache [...]

• Continue reading "A different kind of before and after"

When I walked into the room, I immediately categorized everyone who was sitting and waiting for the lecture to start into two groups – bright young medical students and old people in pain. I could have been wrong since I myself was a young person in pain, but regardless, as I looked into the audience I thought, “My people! I’ve found my people! Let’s turn off the lights and moan together!”

I attended a free seminar last Wednesday at the IUPUI student center called “Myths and Facts of Pain: Is it all in your head?” that is part of the IU Mini Medical School 2009. I heard about the series on a local radio show, Sound Medicine, after they did a segment about chronic pain. The lecture was free, and I work downtown anyway, so I decided to stop by. Plus, they had free snacks! The caterers were even considerate and included a veggie tray along with the brownies and cookies, a true rarity in modern society.

The first speaker was Dr. Palmer MacKie, Assistant Professor of [...]

• Continue reading "A lecture in pain"

As you can probably tell by yesterday evening’s entry, I have been going through a very difficult time lately. It has, in fact, been the most difficult time of my life, worse than the days when I was a 372-pound recluse living alone in a studio apartment.

People always said life is hard and I would nod and agree, but I did not understand. Weight loss is hard and college is hard and finding a job is hard. All those things are hard, indeed, and I’ve done all those things. I thought I understood when people said life was hard, but I didn’t, because you cannot understand suffering until you have suffered.

I have been suffering lately. I have been suffering since the evening of February 17th, 2008 when I got a headache that has never gone away. Some of you probably laugh a little and think, “Ha, that’s weird. But it’s just a headache. How bad can it be?”

It is bad. It is very, very bad.

It has made me cry so badly that my wailing has [...]

• Continue reading "My half life"