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What would you do for $4,250?

I always run out of quarters to do my laundry. I hardly ever use cash these days, preferring to use plastic cards with magnetic strips to pay for all my goods. But unless I get my cat to start licking all my clothes clean, I’ve got to feed the washing machine its diet of large, circular change. So I found myself in a long line at the bank at 11:30 on Saturday morning along with several other people who were cashing their paychecks or answering their cell phones despite very strict signage that prohibited such behavior.

I picked up a copy of our weekly liberal newspaper to read as I waited. I flipped past all the ads for “island temple healing” (are there islands in Indiana?) and “European whirlpool and body massage” (is there something special about European whirlpools? Does the water whirl in the opposite direction?) to find an ad on the back page for a medical research study asking me, “Healthy, but Overweight?” I don’t know why they needed to capitalize “overweight.” Perhaps the [...]

Feeling strangely fine

I don’t want to forget what it was like being fat. If we could really zap people’s memories like they do in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, it would be tempting to get rid of the time on the plane when I got my mom to request a seat belt extender because I was too embarrassed to ask the stewardess myself. However, my fat girl issues have made me who I am, so even though many of those memories are painful and shameful and sad, they’re mine. I’m going to keep them, just like that ass-ugly ceramic pot I made in 5th grade. (Actually, I just remembered that I threw that out when I moved. But if I had kept it that would be a great analogy.)

It’s undeniable though that all the fat girl stuff has become less and less a part of my daily reality. I don’t have to worry about fitting behind the steering wheel of my car anymore. I don’t have to shop in the plus-size section. I fit in movie [...]

How to make friends and influence people

There was recently a study that said obesity spreads through social networks. Basically, if you have fat friends, you become more likely to become fat yourself. As with all obesity studies, there has been some debate as to whether the study actually shows what it claims to show. Is it true or not? I have no idea. My ability to interpret statistical data died the same day as my TI-82 calculator, which I used more often to play the skiing game than to calculate standard deviations. I know two different people can look at the same data and come up with wildly different conclusions. Basically, your fat friends may be making you fat or they may not be making you fat. Enlightened, now? I may or may not be a space alien with backward bending knees too. Hope that helps you.

I will share some stories though, and you can analyze them with your slide rule and spreadsheets if you like. At BlogHer I complimented a blogger on her dress and she told me she’d gotten [...]

Got religion?

I was reading one of the bazillion articles about how fat kids are these days, when I read this sentence: “Zeitler says when children slim down, it’s because ‘their families get religion about this and figure out what needs to happen.’” Immediately this made me giggle because the phrase “get religion” elicited imagery of a congregation baptizing members in a tub of fat-free yogurt. Yet that phrase perfectly evokes how I feel about how I’ve changed my life. Which is funny, because I haven’t gone to church in years, yet when it comes to snack foods I have become a slight zucchini zealot.

I once watched a “Where Are They Now?” special on VH1 which was a much more polite title than the equally appropriate “Washed-Up Pop Stars.” One of the people they interviewed was a protégé of Prince who used to slink around in lingerie and do drugs, but had now become a complete Jesus freak. They interviewed her in a church and every other word out of her mouth was about the Lord and [...]

Tossed Salad

I was reading the Wild Oats e-mail newsletter yesterday and was surprised by two things. First, I subscribe to the Wild Oats newsletter. When did that happen? Wild Oats is a health food store which stocks organic produce and whey protein and other food items that three years ago I would have simply labeled “crazy hippie kibble.” Now I’m the kind of person who’s watching for sales on frozen blueberries so I can make more smoothies and oat pancakes. The second surprise was that according to an article called Spoiled Rotten, Americans “throw out 25 percent of the produce they buy because it’s gone bad.” Wow, that’s a lot of rotten tomatoes. Bad comedians beware.

Then I thought about the fresher drawer in my own fridge. It’s currently home to a tomato that will probably collapse into a liquid mess like Senator Kelly from the X-Men movies if I try to touch it. There’s also a head of lettuce that looks fine from the top, but is turning into a gooey, black mess on the bottom, [...]

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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The Making of CHOCOLATE & VICODIN
Lick the Produce: Odd things I've put in my mouth
Half-Marathon: Less fun than it looks
European Vacation

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