The plane dipped up and then down like the Thunder Run roller coaster at Kentucky Kingdom. I pulled down the arm rest by the empty seat next to me so I could grip it tightly. Whatever happens will happen I told myself as I breathed deeply in and out. You are not driving the plane. You are not creating the winds. It is out of your control. The plane jittered and bounced as it hit the runway. Then it swerved slightly to left and right. If we crash into a ball of flames at the end of the runway, at least I’ll have seen Europe. And then the plane stopped and there was silence broken by the sound of the whole plane applauding. “As you can tell, we have most definitely landed,” the copilot announced over the intercom and finally I breathed out and was relieved to be back on the ground again in the US of A.

Any complaints I might have about spending 21 hours traveling are dampened by the knowledge that 100 years ago such a trip would not have be possible. Instead of riding planes and trains and automobiles, I would have crossed the ocean in a boat. Instead of two days travelling back and forth, I would have spent at least a week on my journey instead of only 20% of my time.

There were other bumps, besides the ones I felt upon “landing.” The French proved they do not understand the concept of coffee-to-go when a barista handed me a steaming drink in a plastic cup without any insulation ring. I was so excited to barely hop on the latest Metro train that I didn’t notice it was the wrong Metro train until the doors had closed. When I did get to the right station, a cute boy on the platform gave me a smile and tried to talk to me in French, but all I could say was, “Where were you four days ago? I would have learned French for you!” before hopping into the railcar. In the line at airport security I suddenly remembered I had a water bottle in my purse and chugged 16 ounces of water in 3 minutes to get through the gates. After I arrived in Chicago, I got lost trying to find the CTA to ride downtown to catch my bus to Indianapolis, proving that I don’t just get lost in international airports but domestic ones too. Once I boarded my bus, after running towards it madly because I had been waiting on the wrong corner, I got an honest-to-God migraine, complete with nausea and unilateral pain on the left side of my head, but only after I’d stowed my luggage under the bus with my abortive medications. Then finally I was back in Indianapolis, dragging my suitcase four blocks to the parking garage, hoping no one from the Wheeler Mission tried to mug me before I got there. Thankfully, my car had not been towed and it started like it was supposed to and I drove back to my apartment.

Upon opening the door and stepping into the living room I said to the empty space, “Oh right. I live here.” For I had been gone an awfully long time and seen lots of pretty and old things, and had forcibly pushed any thoughts of my “real” life out of my head whenever they tried creeping to my attention. But here I was again and those were my plates in the dish rack and there were my curtains I’d bought at Big Lots and there was my long tube of toothpaste I could not take on the plane. Here was my life just as I had left it. The only thing that seemed out of place was me. The girl stepping in the door was not the exact same girl who left 10 days ago, but she would assimilate soon and take over the life the other girl had left behind. There were bills to pay and emails to respond to and cable internet providers to contact about the lack of service. And there was another trip to plan, perhaps for next year or the year after that, for this continent or another, but undoubtedly there was some place to go because once you’ve been elsewhere it is hard not to return.

SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)

There’s no doubt that I get down when the weather is bad and winter in Indiana lasted about 20 years this season. I bought a special light to sit in front of for 10 minutes in the morning. It helped me feel a little less depressed, but my headache didn’t go away. Also, we finally kidnapped the sun back from the southern hemisphere this month, so I don’t think it’s SAD.

New office

I got my headache a month after I started a new job. I’m not going to blog about work because we’ve all heard stories of people being fired for that and God knows I need the health insurance. I will just say I’ve investigated possibilities and I don’t think it’s anything work-related, be it stress, lack of natural sunlight, or a toxic environment.

Eye strain

I stare at computer monitors all day, so maybe it’s eye strain? I adjusted my monitors (yes, plural) at work so they are at the correct ergonomic height. I also moved them so they are the same distance from my face and my eyes do not have to refocus between distances when I look from one screen to another. My work stations are sufficiently lit and no one else is having problems. Also, if that was the cause wouldn’t my headache go away on the weekends? Just to be safe, I bought a new home monitor this weekend with better resolution and contrast ratio. Think I can write it off as a medical expense?

Posture

I don’t always sit up straight at the computer. It’s possible a bad ergonomic position could be causing my neck, shoulders or back to tighten up and cause my pain. But again, if that was the case, wouldn’t the headache have gone away when I was traveling during the past few weekends? I’m trying to sit up straighter anyway since good posture can’t possibly hurt me.

Stress

Stress has been known to cause headaches, but I don’t feel that stressed right now. May was crazy, but I’m through most of that and my head still hurts. Plus, the headache started in February when I wasn’t that stressed either.

LASIK

I had LASIK surgery back in June, so could it be that? I did some googling and I couldn’t find many reports of headache after LASIK. Some people got dry eyes which caused headaches, but there were no situations like mine. It also seems like that problem would have developed right away and not 9 months after the surgery. My vision is so good that I can see all the little leaves on the tress as I’m driving around town, so I don’t think it’s eye strain. I will probably schedule an eye appointment eventually to be sure, but this seems like a dead end.

Marrying the wrong man

Erin recently mentioned she got a headache after she married the wrong man. It sent her to the emergency room thinking she had a tumor. I haven’t married anyone recently, so it’s not that. (BTW, congrats on the engagement, Erin!)

Lack of exercise

I record all my exercise on a wall calendar. I flipped back to February right when I got the headache and that’s when my Pilates and weights sessions started appearing less and less. By the end of April I’d ditched both of those and I was just barely keeping up with my half-marathon training. After the race, I only ran 2 days in the next 3 weeks. God knows it’s hard enough to make myself exercise when I feel good. It’s significantly harder to make myself go to the gym or insert a Pilates DVD into the player when my head hurts all the time.

However, lack of exercise can only be hurting me, so I’m going to focus much more on this. I’m going to try to exercise in the mornings when I don’t feel as drained. After I’ve been conscious and in pain for 12 hours and worked a full day, I really don’t feel like going for a run. In fact, I’ve decided just to focus on work, exercise and keeping up with the blog. There really isn’t room for anything else in my life right now. I’ve exercised 3 out of the 4 last days, so this is going well.

Neti pot

My mom gave me a neti pot. For those of you unfamiliar with this device, it’s shaped sort of like a teapot. You fill it with water, tip your head, and pour the water through one nostril and let it stream out the other nostril. Yes, it is as comical as it sounds. Here’s a video!

It sometimes works for people with allergies. I don’t think my headache is allergies, but I will give it a try.

TMJ/Jaw clenching

My brother had TMJ (Temporomandibular joint disorder) awhile back, which means something goes funky with your jaw. It’s usually accompanied by popping and clicking, which I don’t have, so I doubt it’s that. I have noticed I sometimes clench or grind my teeth. Is that causing the headache or am I wearing down my enamel because of the pain? I’m not sure. I’m scheduled to see a dentist next month and I’ll pick his brain about my brain’s pain.

Gum chewing

I chew too much gum. I started chewing gum with xylitol because it helps prevent tooth decay. My dentist recommended it after he plugged 12 cavities and I confessed to how many sodas I drink. I sometimes pop a stick of gum to prevent me from eating. It’s stopped me from licking the batter in mixing bowls several times. However, I’m sure using the muscles in my head to chew for an extra hour or so a day is not helping my headache. I’m trying to cut back on the gum, but like the caffeine withdrawal, it’s hard.

Artificial sweeteners/Diet

I’ve heard artificial sweeteners cause headaches in some people. This has never been the case with me, so I’m not sure why something like that would come on suddenly, but I’m willing to consider it. I’ve cut back to two canned sodas a day. (Yes, I said “cut back.” You don’t want to know how much I used to drink.) I really don’t know how I could eliminate aspartame and Splenda from my diet entirely. This would be a huge step, getting rid of diet sodas and who knows what else in my diet, so I’m putting it off. So many foods have artificial ingredients that I’m not sure what I could eat if I had to cut this stuff out. I’m pretty sure my favorite yogurt would be off limits.

Which brings me to the next possibility: diet and food allergies. There are certain foods that have been known to trigger headaches in other people, such as yogurt and chocolate. Notice how it’s never asparagus or celery that screws you over? I really don’t want to eliminate yogurt from my diet because I like it so much. As with the artificial sweeteners, if I start cutting out everything that might be triggering my migraine, I won’t have much left to eat except for lettuce and zucchini. I don’t know how far I can go on that.

Other miscellaneous suggestions

Readers have also suggested I may be low on magnesium, suffering from depression, or have polycystic ovary disease. I’ll check into this.

Acupuncture and Chiropractors

These are two other possible treatments I’m looking into and will probably pursue, if only because they’ll probably make good blog material. If I let someone stick needles in my face, I’ll bring my camera along and try to get a picture of my pinhead impression for you.

As you can see, there are about 50 bazillion possible causes for headaches. And there are another 50 bazillion possible treatments. So, I’ve added 50 bazillion things to my to-do list which I shall be investigating for who knows how long, or at least until my headache goes away. If you have any thoughts, other possible causes or recommended treatments, the comments are open. Thank you to everyone who has been sharing their stories and kind words the past few days. It’s meant a lot to me to know I’m not the only one who has had to deal with chronic pain. Thanks for your support. My readers are the best.

Over-the-counter painkillers

Like most people, I didn’t immediately reach for the intravenous drugs, I reached for my medicine cabinet. During the first week I tried ibuprofen, acetaminophen, naproxen, and aspirin (not all at once). These are also know as Advil, Tylenol, Aleve, and um, aspirin. I also tried different combinations and potencies of these, like Excedrin Tension Headache and Tylenol Migraine Pain Relief. They didn’t do shit.

Allergies

Okay, so maybe it’s allergies? I tried several cold/sinus/flu medications and even went up to the pharmacy counter to get the stuff you can make crystal meth out of. I snorted God-knows-what up my nostrils with a nasal spray. My doctor gave me a ton of Allegra-D. All the pseudoephedrine, doxylamine succinate, dextromethorphan hydobromide, oxymetazoline, and fexofenadine did nothing but make me wonder how they come up with these wacky names for drugs.

Migraine abortives

Somewhere before or after all that, I went to the doctor and got a shot of Toradol (ketorlac tromethamine), which is supposed to stop migraines. They may as well have injected me with saline. I also tried a pill called Imitrex (sumatriptan) which is supposed to abort a migraine as it’s coming on. Again, nothing. My head still hurt. I have been on a beta blocker for at least 5 years as a headache preventative. We tried upping my dosage on that, and again, nada.

Sinus infection

Well, the pain seemed to be in my sinuses, so could it be a sinus infection? I did a round of antibiotics and again, I was still in pain. I went in for a CT scan of my sinuses and that too was clear. Getting the CT was like riding a really weird ride at the amusement park. I got to lay down on a bench that slid in and out of a spiraling circle. Too bad there weren’t any cotton candy vendors in the lobby.

Caffeine

Perhaps it’s caffeine? God knows I drink a lot of sodas, so I started drinking caffeine-free pop and switched my coffee to decaf (which I know still has some caffeine, but it’s not that much). This seemed to help a little, but I also wanted to take a nap on my keyboard during the day. Soooo…I got a cup of coffee and then I bought a caffeinated soda and I was back on the stuff again. But later the pain was getting to me, so I cut back again. For awhile. And then I started up again. Right now I’ve gone off of it again, but damn, it’s hard. When you go off caffeine for two weeks and then you drink a cup of coffee, OH MY GOD, I imagine that’s what doing crack must feel like.

MRI

Next up was an MRI to rule out anything serious. Honestly, I never thought it was a brain tumor (and the radiologist agreed). Brain tumors usually present with seizures and speech problems, none of which I was having. MRI’s are very, very expensive. (Think over $3000.) The MRI was recommended at the beginning of April. Due to insurance stuff, it was going to be much cheaper to have the MRI in May. So, I decided to wait it out. I wasn’t counting down to my half-marathon or my book release party at the beginning of May, I was counting down to my MRI. Until a week and a half later when I was lying on my couch in pain, amazed at how quickly my life had completely unravelled, and decided the health of my bank account was less important than my own health. (Have you bought your book yet? Support my migraine fund!)

When I scheduled the MRI, they asked me if I weighed over 350 pounds and I was so grateful that I was able to say “No.” Otherwise I wouldn’t have fit in the machine, which is very LOUD and strangely musically rhythmic. I’m surprised STOMP hasn’t used an MRI machine in their stage performance. The machine is probably too expensive for theatre people to afford. Also, my veins are very tiny and tend to roll around, so I spent 20 minutes in the machine and 20 minutes getting stuck 4 times when the nurse tried to inject me with contrast material.

Neurosurgeon

After the MRI, there was one small abnormality, so I saw a neurosurgeon who told me I just had a cluster of veins in one spot that is uncommon in general, but normal for me. No action was required and it wasn’t causing my headache. We probably would never have known about it unless I’d had the MRI for other reasons. He also did several tests that involved me touching my nose with one hand and walking across the room, which made me wonder if he was testing my brain or checking for a DUI.

Massage

My mom’s friend is a massage therapist and she kindly offered to give me a massage. The massage felt nice and I was very grateful, but the headache persisted. She also tried working a few release points that are supposed to relieve headache. This is not what you think of when you think of massage. This stuff hurts. But it hurts in sort of a good way. Sadly, it didn’t work.

Intravenous drugs

At this point, I finally started seeing a neurologist who specializes in headaches. His office is darkly lit and quiet and it took me at least 20 minutes to fill out all the forms detailing all the crap I’ve tried to get rid of this damn headache. He prescribed an intravenous drug treatment to try to abort the headache. Two weeks later, after the insurance and scheduling got sorted out (not like this was urgent or anything. I’ve only been in pain for THREE MONTHS.) a nurse came to my apartment, stuck an IV in my arm, shot me full of a drug known to stop headaches and taught me how to do two more nights of treatment. Again, this did absolutely nothing except turn me into a person who stores heparin in the bottom of her fridge, right on top of the eggs. Blood thinner omelet, anyone?

And that, my friends, brings us up to present day. God only knows if my headache will ever go away. As I write this, it’s not too bad. But I just did a whole bunch of nothing over Memorial Day weekend. I don’t know how I’ll feel when life resumes and I actually have to do stuff.

Tomorrow: a list of other causes I’ve considered and treatments I may try because I’m getting desperate. We’ll cover eye strain, teeth clenching, stress and more!

The lyrics are:

My buddy (my buddy), my buddy (my buddy),

Wherever I go, he goes

My buddy (my buddy), my buddy (my buddy),

My buddy and me

Only I change the lyrics to:

My headache (my headache), my headache (my headache),

Wherever I go, it goes

My headache (my headache), my headache (my headache),

My headache and me

Remember that headache I had back in March? The one I thought had gone away? Well, it eased up for awhile there, but it never really went away. Which means I’ve been in pain 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, ever since February 18th, 2008. (I still have a scar from that monster zit too.) I ran my half-marathon with my headache. I went to my book release party with my headache. I appeared on TV with my headache. I toured New York with my headache. *sing song* My headache and me!

It hasn’t been a series of headaches, just one never-ending headache that will not go away. (Like Iraq, or the presidential primary.) I’ve been doing a lot of reading on headaches, and mine is best described as a chronic tension-type headache. I feel a constant pressure or tightening around my forehead, behind my nose, and around my cheeks. Some days it’s pretty tolerable and I’m able to do the dishes and live a semblance of a normal life. Some days it’s really bad and all I can do is watch streaming movies from Netflix on my laptop in bed.

I decided not to talk about my headache here for several reasons. My medical issues seemed to be a topic to keep in the “Do not blog about” circle of my personal Venn diagram. When I did talk about the headache months ago, I got tired of people diagnosing me with everything from lupus to a dead twin in my forehead. I also wanted to have fun with my book release in May. I didn’t want people to feel sorry for me and I didn’t want it to be a topic of conversation during all the talking I’ve been doing. As a natural introvert, I’ve learned how to put on a fake, extroverted exterior when the situation demands it. I’m sure many people in my life have had no idea that I’ve been constantly suffering since the end of February – except for the select few who have been kind enough to listen to my bitching and occasional crying on the telephone. Other than that, I’ve kept it between me and my neurologist. (Yes, I have a neurologist now!)

However, dealing with this headache has become such a gigantic part of my life that it’s starting to get weird not blogging about it. It’s like Godzilla has come to town, cutting a swath of destruction through my life, and I’m blogging about how nice the weather is. It’s getting to a point where it’s affecting my weight too, so I may as well come clean before the horrifying weigh-in at the end of the month. Blogging about my weight loss issues seemed to help me lose weight, so perhaps blogging about my chronic pain will help me manage that as well.

Tomorrow, I’m going to go over all the treatments I’ve tried, all the treatments that are still on the list to try, possible causes I’ve considered and all the tests I’ve taken (sadly none of which involved filling in bubbles on a Scantron sheet, which I kind of enjoy). So, please, please, PLEASE, DEAR GOD, PLEASE!!! hold off on diagnosing me with anything or recommending any treatments for me until that post tomorrow. It is a long, looooooooong, post and if I tacked it onto this entry your monitor would not have enough pixels to display it. The day after that I’ll blog about all the ways this headache is destroying the lovely life I have spent so many years building. My headache: A three-part series.

Also, from now on we can just consider this my health/fitness/chronic pain management blog, because really, they’re all linked.