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Lick the Produce Section: Instructions included

It’s time once more for me to try to eat fruits and vegetables that I’ve never eaten before, but only after I take poorly lit photos of them on my kitchen counter. However, eating new foods can be very tricky, as I learned when I bit right into a mango’s waxy skin, so thank goodness there were instructions printed right on the label this time. Thank you acorn squash growers of America for realizing I have no idea how to cook your product! You saved me two minutes looking it up on Google.

Acorn Squash

The acorn squash does sort of look like an acorn. When I picked it up at the grocery store, I had an urge to hold it up to my face with both hands and twitch my nose like a giant squirrel. However, I did not dig up the linoleum and bury it in the produce section. Instead, I just split it open with my giant knife and scooped out the insides before baking it in a pan of water.

I scraped out the [...]

Lick the Produce Section: Split ‘em open, with devotion

Stick out your tongues because it’s time once more for me to Lick the Produce Section. Read along as I stick things in my mouth that I’ve never stuck in there before.

Orange Cauliflower

After trying purple cauliflower last month, I decided to give the orange variety a try too. According to Wikipedia it contains 25 times the level of Vitamin A as white cauliflower. Once again I sprayed it with olive oil, sprinkled it with salt and pepper, and roasted it in the oven at 425 degrees for half an hour, turning it once halfway through. And once again I took it out, ate it and decided it tasted just like regular cauliflower. I guess Vitamin A doesn’t have much flavor.

In retrospect, it would have been best if I bought a head of each color of cauliflower, cooked them all, and then compared the tastes side by side to catch any small variances in flavor. However, I would have been up to my ears with heads of cauliflower. I try to eat my veggies, but there [...]

Lick the Produce Section: Woman with mango

Time keeps ticking, I keep licking the produce section, and man are my taste buds sore. It’s time once again for me to report on the new fruits and vegetables I have tried to eat with varying levels of success.

Mango

When I think of mangoes, I think of the Gauguin painting Woman with mango. Typing that title makes it sound like another recipe from the cannibal’s cookbook. I opted to eat the mango raw. However, if I had taken a closer look at Gauguin’s painting I would have realized I should have waited until it turned red to do so. Instead, I got out my big knife and tried hacking into a green mango. I got about an inch into it and felt like I’d gotten my workout for the day. I checked the wikipedia article on mangoes and realized my mistake, but by that time it was too late. If I left my mutilated mango to ripen on the counter it would just have gotten moldy. I finished cutting out a wedge anyway, bit into [...]

Lick the Produce Section: Just peachy

It’s time for another edition of Lick the Produce Section, the adventures of a woman who once weighed 372 pounds but amazingly enough had not eaten every food on the planet. She’s going to change that, and she’s starting in the produce section.

Apricots

Apricots started showing up in the grocery bins this month, so I grabbed one. The cute, tiny, yellow fruit was sweet and juicy, but I couldn’t help thinking it resembled a plum or a peach in sweetness and delivery system. They are all roughly, spherical fruits with pits in the center that could chip a tooth if I bit into them incorrectly. It’s like comparing 80′s hair bands. You’ve got your Bon Jovi, your Poison, and your Def Leppard, but can you really tell that much of a difference between them through the haze of AquaNet hairspray? Perhaps if I were eating these fruits fresh off the tree I would notice more of a difference. Instead, I eat them after they’ve been shipped from some other state or nation. There certainly are differences [...]

Lick the produce section: Don’t get parsnippity!

It’s time for another installment of “Lick the Produce Section,” a series cataloguing my continuing adventures to boldy try new vegetables that millions of people have eaten before. People used to live off the land, don’t you know?

Parsnips

A parsnip looks like an albino carrot. Could this be the work of Bunnicula, the vampire rabbit who sucks vegetables of their juice? It also looks like on organic baseball bat, so if ever an intruder were to break into my apartment while I was raiding the fridge, I could probably grab a parsnip and beat him death with it. Now that’s a handy root vegetable!

After taking this home from the grocery store I looked up its glycemic index rating and freaked out a little when I discovered it was 97. The glycemic index is a measure of how quickly a food is digested and how fast it raises your blood sugar levels. A spoonful of sugar rates at 100. So at first glance it looked like I might as well be chewing on raw sugar cane as [...]

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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