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Right fit, wrong time

Hey, PastaQueen. Can you tell me what irony is?

Why yes, self. It’s when you have too much iron. It’s like reverse anemia.

Um, I don’t think that’s what it means.

Oh, really. Are you a doctor?

No, but I did take a creative writing class once. That’s not what “irony” means.

If you already know what it means, then why are you asking me?

Well, I thought it would be a cute way to set up a blog entry. I was just playing dumb.

Oh, okay then. Irony is “incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result.” For example, say someone has worked two and half years so they would no longer have to shop at Lane Bryant. Then say that the very month that person can finally squeeze into the largest size not sold at Lane Bryant (size 12) and she runs around shopping all weekend looking for jeans is also the very same month Lane Bryant introduces a line of jeans that evidently fit everyone’s body shape. But only if they’re [...]

Seeing the ex

Despite my sacred vow never to shop at a Lane Bryant ever again, I found myself picking through their clearance racks this weekend. I had a very good reason though. I was helping a friend find clothes for her father’s funeral. I did not purchase anything myself, so we are still technically broken up. It was more like seeing an ex at a party and being polite enough to make small talk, but remaining chaste enough not to jump back in bed with him.

I eventually touched almost every single object of clothing in that store searching for something that did not make my friend look like a goth hooker and was available in her size. It brought back all the trauma I used to experience shopping at LB, knowing that if we didn’t find something there we were pretty much screwed. The only other option was to buy a black sheet, wrap it around her like a sari and claim she’d converted to hinduism, despite the fact that the funeral mass was held in a [...]

Breaking up with Lane Bryant

I made my final purchase at Lane Bryant on the last day of 2006, a great way to close out the year. Lane Bryant is the flagship fat girl clothing store in America, stocking sizes 14-28. While I owe them a debt of gratitude for preventing me from wearing the latest in garbage bag couture during my largest days, I always had a love-hate relationship with the store. Their clothes are overpriced and in lieu of day care I suspect they allow employee’s children to run around the store with a bedazzler, applying sequins and plastic beads to every tank top or blouse in sight.

But, they were having a sale on Venezia jeans for only $19.99. I haven’t bought dress pants or skirts from them in a while, but their bootcut jeans have always fit my particular shape well. I stopped by and was happy to find I now fit into their size 16. Funny, since a week earlier I’d tried on size 16′s at their sister store, Fashion Bug, which I could button, but [...]

Guess my weight

One summer in middle school I got a season pass to Kentucky Kingdom amusement park with my friend Kathy. This was before I eventually got too fat to ride the roller coasters and completely lost track of Kathy, who moved a lot because her dad was in the army. For all I know, she could now be married to a German chiropractor and have lil’ babies that greet her every morning with “Guten tag!” before going off to kindergarten.

At the park there was a carnival game that fascinated me. It was the “Guess My Weight” game, positioned right by the human walkway over the highway, thus granting it maximum exposure to passers-by. Standing beside the barker was a scale with a circular face as large as Godzilla’s frisbee. The object of the game was to have the barker guess your weight and if he wasn’t within 5 or 10 pounds (can’t remember which) you’d win a prize.

I never played this game. Obviously. While I could still cram my ass between the safety bars on Thunder [...]

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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