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Surgeon general’s warning: Contains food

Back when I was fat I used to lament the fact that I would always have to eat. Smokers could throw out all their cigarettes and alcoholics could empty their liquor cabinets, but I was always going to have to eat. It didn’t seem fair at all. Giving up the source of my problem seemed a lot better than trying to manage it.

Now that I’ve got my eating under control, I’ve realized I’ve got it so much better than the reformed crack whores and nicotine addicts of the world. I still get to eat! Recovering alcoholics can’t even go to a wine tasting, but if I decided I’d really like to eat half a pumpkin pie covered in whipped cream, I can still do that.

Sometimes though, I make dangerous food discoveries. When I made my vagina muff-ins I discovered a low-calorie, low-carb fruit spread that was delicious. I bought a couple jars in different flavors to eat on the bread I bake every other weekend. Funny how I ended up eating most of it off [...]

Ask a loser

I’m going to answer some readers’ questions today. They’ve been sitting in my inbox, making me feel guilty every time I check my e-mail, taking up precious kilobytes of memory. No more! If you asked me a question and the answer isn’t here, feel free to e-mail me again at halfofme at pastaqueen dot com so I can ignore you for a couple weeks and then write another guilt post.

1) Melissa asks “Can you give us an example of your daily menu?”

Several people have asked me this and I don’t feel comfortable posting that information. I’m not a nutritionist or a doctor. I don’t want to program other people’s menus. I think people need to figure out what works for themselves. Everyone has different dietary needs depending on their gender and current size and activities. I ate a lot more food when I was morbidly obese than I do now because my body simply needed more energy to run.

Everyone has different tastes too. As we discovered in my entry about the produce section many of [...]

Adventures in the produce section

I looked around the produce section of my grocery store last weekend and came to this startling realization, “Hey! There’s a lot of fruit here!” When shopping for food I tend to go directly for what is on my list or just grab items that I’m familiar with. I tune out any extraneous data like I ignore most ads in magazines. But ever since my impulse purchase of a starfruit earlier this month, I realized there is a lot of food out there that I have never tried. While there’s nothing wrong with going bananas for a red delicious apple, it occurred to me I might be somewhat narrow-minded in my fruit world view. So, I’ve started trying some fruits and veggies which might be familiar to many of you all, but are as new to me as if I were catching a rerun of a TV show I’d never seen.

First up was the brown Asian pear. A protective white, netted, foam, covered its bottom half, which made it look like it was wearing pants. [...]

Don’t judge a fruit by its shape

I bought a star fruit at the grocery this weekend because it was cute. I obviously have a weakness for cleverly shaped food products. I don’t know what it will taste like. I just took a chance because it’s pretty.

If I were judging people by how cute they looked, I would feel guilty for being prejudiced against the ugly. Yet I have no problem picking apples because they are particularly shiny, even though I know they’re only so shiny because they are coated in a thin layer of wax. My mother once left an apple on the seat of her car during the summer. She didn’t eat it, so she stuck the warm fruit back in the fridge. When I opened the fridge the next day, I saw this:

At first I thought a mold metropolis had materialized on the apple overnight. Then I realized the wax had become opaque due to the extreme heat and cold.

People like pretty fruit. The Florida Tomato Committee once banned the shipment of the UglyRipe tomato, a good tasting but [...]

Donuts and Milkshakes

I had to giggle when I saw that Krispy Kreme has introduced a whole wheat doughnut. I’m typically a fan of whole-wheat products, but looking at the nutritional information (PDF here) on Krispy Kreme’s site this donut doesn’t seem to be much of an improvement over the original glazed donut. It has only 20 calories less per serving, only 3g less carbohydrates and only a gram or two more fiber. A slight improvement, but not a remarkable breakthrough in food science.

I’d be willing to try one if I ever found myself in a Krispy Kreme again, which is about as likely as finding me in the next Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. But I’m of the opinion that if you’re going to have a treat you should go whole hog and get the treat you want. If you compromise, you don’t enjoy it as much as if you’d gotten what you really wanted and you’ve still got more calories and carbs swimming in your stomach than you would have otherwise.

When I drove home from my [...]

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Man looking into telescope

Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

Please Do Not Leave A Message: Why Millennials Hate Voice Mail : All Tech Considered : NPR
I left a voicemail for my younger brother last week which he never got because he doesn't check it. When I asked him about it, he was like, "Why didn't you text me?"

Life in Quarantine for Ebola Exposure: 21 Days of Fear and Loathing - NYTimes.com
I tend to stay at home a lot, but 21 days stuck in my apartment would drive me crazy.

Buy Experiences, Not Things - The Atlantic
Money can buy happiness if you spend it on experiences, not things.

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