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It’s not the end of the world

If I owned a cosmic eraser I think I’d use it to rub last Saturday out of existence. For some reason I decided I needed to clean out my refrigerator using my mouth. I ate. A lot. For no real reason. Which is odd, because I was certainly under more stress earlier in the week and didn’t eat a whole bowl of pudding then. But along came the weekend and the part of my brain that regulates my eating decided to check out for a day at the beach. I was so full after “lunch” that I took a two and half hour nap. I haven’t done that since college when my roommate and I had competitive napping sessions to see who could be the most unproductive for the longest amount of time.

But, that was Saturday, and life goes on. I did not instantly regain 190 pounds. My clothes still fit. As the alcoholics say, I can only make the next best choice. On the positive side, at least when I binge these days it’s [...]

Pasta that hits my soft spots

Sometimes people offer to send me free products so I will review them on the blog. Usually I turn them down because I have integrity and ethics and morals and not because I have no counter space for a machine that carbonates home-made sodas, no of course not. I don’t want to be a sell-out, and if I was going to sell out it would be for a lot more than a free yoga book. I prefer my kickbacks to have more kick than that. I have no problem recommending products that I have found on my own because people ask me what scale I use and what exercise DVDs I watch anyway. But it’s hard to stay objective if someone has given you something for free because suddenly you feel like you owe them something.

But sometimes people offer me free pasta, me, the PastaQueen, the major marshal of the macaroni military. When I got the e-mail from Fiber Gourmet offering me samples of their new light pasta it was like someone had just [...]

Attack of the Gummi Bears

In lieu of seeing the horsies at the Derby this weekend, I decided to see a spider at the movie theatre, or Tobey Maguire dressed up as one in Spider-man 3. But I was almost mauled by bears on the way to the stadium seating, gummi bears that is.

At the entrance to the theatre, the ticket-taker ripped my ticket in half and then handed me not only the stub, but a small plastic bag of gummi bears. That’s right, people are now literally shoving junk food into my hands. Maybe I need to start wearing a T-Shirt that says, “Please don’t feed the dieter.” As a kid we used to buy Snickers bars at the convenience store around the corner and smuggle the sugary contraband inside at the bottom of my mother’s purse, and now they’re giving the stuff away for free. They’re trying to take all the fun out of it, aren’t they? At least I still got a thrill by sneaking a can of generic Diet Cola inside by tucking it between [...]

Moments in culinary genius

PastaQueen enters the kitchen and takes the smoothie blender off of the shelf. She tosses in vanilla yogurt, milk, protein powder, frozen blueberries and vanilla extract. She turns on the blender and stirs the concoction with a stir stick through a hole in the lid’s top.

PastaQueen hears slight crunching sound. “Hmmm, those blueberries are really frozen together.” Crunch, thump, crunch. Uses stir stick to try and blend them together. “Man, I guess I should defrost them first next time.”

PastaQueen turns off blender. She removes the lid and licks the stir stick. She pours the smoothie into a tall glass. A cylindrical object covered in the blue, gooey mixture plops out. PastaQueen looks at object in confusion. “What is this, frozen ice?” She rinses object off to discover it is the battered plastic stopper that is placed in the hole in the lid when not using the stir stick. She glances down at her smoothie, suddenly noticing the grainy texture.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you the fiberglass smoothie!

PastaQueen pours smoothie full of small plastic bits down [...]

Eat, drink and be merry

I recently proposed that we needed to come up with a word to describe someone who wasn’t fat, but wasn’t really thin either. While we’re revising the lexicon, I think we need to decide what the word “diet” is supposed to mean. Maybe we should just throw the word out completely and recycle the letters for use in other words. The word “diet” has so many connotations that using the word is like wielding a blunt object. It’s imprecise. It causes a lot of confusion. It makes me sound like I’m subsisting solely on tofu and rice cakes.

“Dieting” has a lot of negative baggage. If you’re on a diet it’s implied that someday you will go off a diet. It’s a temporary state of existence, like a month-to-month lease. Dieting implies another “d” word – deprivation. Dieters are accused of starving themselves and going hungry. It’s implied that if you break any of your diet’s multiple rules you are a very bad person indeed. Violators will have their knuckles rapped with their diet books and [...]

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Man looking into telescope

Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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