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When’s dessert?

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Two seconds: The amount of time I wish would elapse between eating my last bite of Thanksgiving dinner and starting on Thanksgiving dessert.

Two hours: The amount of time that actually elapses.

Complete hell: The amount of time in between these two events.

Over the years I’ve had varying opinions about whether food addiction exists and if I have it, but the single-minded focus I felt in anticipation of devouring some dirt cake and apple crisp on Thanksgiving presented a strong case for its existence.

Literally the moment I finished eating dinner, I wanted to eat dessert. I love sweets and I knew there was a delicious concoction of crushed Oreos, whipped cream and cream cheese sitting in the fridge. I found myself sitting at the table while other people were still finishing their meals thinking, “Oh my God! Eat faster! Don’t you want dessert?!” Then when we were all done, we helped with the washing up. (I supervised!) And people mingled. And went to the bathroom. And started chatting. [...]

Book review: Designated Fat Girl by Jennifer Joyner

A few weeks ago I had lunch with Jennifer Joyner, author of the recently released Designated Fat Girl: A Memoir. It turns out she lives in Fayetteville and I live in Chapel Hill, which means we’re only ninety-something miles apart, or 1 hour and 36 minutes according to Google Maps.

We had a good chat about the publishing industry, weight, and incompetent medical workers. (While I related to many of the fat-girl experiences she writes about in the book, it was her encounter with bumbling Nurse Bob before surgery that really hit home for me. He must be the same guy who assisted with a CT scan I had last year that I’m amazed didn’t turn me into a mutant superhero.)

Joyner’s book is a memoir about her life as a food addict. After years of morbid obesity, encroaching health problems like gestational diabetes, and lack of success with other weight-loss options, she decides to go through with gastric bypass surgery. This comes with its own complications and leads to a battle with dependence on painkillers [...]

Pick your addiction

It’s said that recovering alcoholics and former smokers put their tigers in cages, whereas food addicts take theirs out for walks 3 times a day. One of the quarks of food addiction is that food is a required substance. People often ask how do you cope with being addicted to something you need?

Well, the answer is that food addicts are not addicted to all foods. I’ve never heard of someone being addicted to broccoli. It might taste good roasted with olive oil and tossed with pine nuts and Parmesan cheese, but I’ve never sat on my couch thinking, “Oh my God, I want to binge on broccoli!” And even if I did, it’s broccoli. How much damage can a load of cruciferous vegetables really do? I’m not going to start sprouting green florets out of my head.

Most food addicts have trigger foods which are easy to identify because you usually find yourself plunged face first into them. Some people have weaknesses for salty snacks, but I am mostly undone by sweet foods, especially the crunchy [...]

Addict is just a six-letter word

Before I realized I was a food addict, I’d been doing some reading on and off about the condition. The major sticking point for me was the same as some people’s responses in my post, which were, “Can you really be addicted to something that is essential to survive?” After all, we never hear about oxygen addicts. “That Bob, he just can’t get enough air! I wish he’d just hold his breath once in awhile.” I wondered if there were better terms for the condition, like “compulsive overeater” or “binge eater” or “Piggy McEatsalot.”

Ultimately, I decided the name doesn’t matter. A name is just a box we put ideas in. What matters is that I understand my relationship with food. Then I can start figuring out the consequences my environment, my thoughts, and my actions have on that relationship and make plans to manipulate these things to my best advantage. I don’t know what the official definition of addiction is, though I could look it up on dictionary.com or the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical [...]

I want birth control for food (that doesn’t make me shit my pants)

I was sitting in the Kroger parking lot a couple weeks ago, about to buy something I knew I shouldn’t buy, to eat something I knew I shouldn’t eat, knowing it would only make me happy temporarily and fatter tomorrow, and knowing I was going to do it anyway. It was at this moment that the muse of displacing-personal-responsibility whispered in my ear about how wonderful it would be if I had a secondary stomach implanted. They could insert it right where my gallbladder used to be. Then I’d have the surgeons install a switch in my esophagus that would allow me to divert food into the dummy stomach not connected to my digestive track, allowing me to eat whatever I wanted without having to digest it. When the fake tummy became full, I could empty it manually through a hole in my abdomen. Or better yet, I could have it routed directly to the end of my large intestine to dump the food in the traditional manner!

It was at this point that I realized [...]

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

Life in Quarantine for Ebola Exposure: 21 Days of Fear and Loathing - NYTimes.com
I tend to stay at home a lot, but 21 days stuck in my apartment would drive me crazy.

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The Man Who Smuggles Trader Joe’s into Canada
I'd heard of Pirate Joe's before but this article gives a real in-depth look at it.

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