Despite my sacred vow never to shop at a Lane Bryant ever again, I found myself picking through their clearance racks this weekend. I had a very good reason though. I was helping a friend find clothes for her father’s funeral. I did not purchase anything myself, so we are still technically broken up. It was more like seeing an ex at a party and being polite enough to make small talk, but remaining chaste enough not to jump back in bed with him.

I eventually touched almost every single object of clothing in that store searching for something that did not make my friend look like a goth hooker and was available in her size. It brought back all the trauma I used to experience shopping at LB, knowing that if we didn’t find something there we were pretty much screwed. The only other option was to buy a black sheet, wrap it around her like a sari and claim she’d converted to hinduism, despite the fact that the funeral mass was held in a [...]

• Continue reading "Seeing the ex"

I’ve started really looking forward to my morning bowl of oatmeal, thinking about how nice it will be to wake up to before I go to bed. Cinnamon roll was my favorite flavor for awhile, but it’s now been supplanted by baked apple. I don’t recall looking forward this much to eating before, mostly because I never waited to eat before. Most of my life I just ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, consuming all the natural resources in the refrigerator like an evil, corporate mining operation. Only I was digging for ice cream instead of coal.

Now I try to eat less calories than I burn and to eat only when I’m hungry. This means I don’t get to eat that much. I’m envious of big burly guys who get to consume over 2000 calories a day, whereas I’m stuck in the mid-1000 calorie range. Every meal counts. Anticipating meals becomes like a session of foreplay where I’m kept in sweet anticipation of my climax of flavor.

I had a coupon for the hippie, organic [...]

• Continue reading "Quality over quantity"

Birds of Prey is a comic book about a group of female crime fighters, complete with witty dialogue, endearing female friendships, and lots of ass-kicking. It’s also written by a female author, Gail Simone. Basically, the only way it could have been more engineered for my liking is if they printed it with chocolate ink. Black Canary is my favorite character, not just because she looks great in fishnets, but because she loves food! See exhibits A and B behind the cut.

• Continue reading "They don’t eat like birds"

Last night the noisemakers at a million New Year’s Eve parties sounded off the official start of the 2007 dieting season. Two years ago when I started losing weight, finally for real this time, I didn’t quite know what I was in for. Sure, I knew I’d have to change my eating habits and pull myself out of that butt-shaped impression on my couch, but here are some of the things nobody told me about weight loss.

It will take time

I don’t just mean this in the sense that it will take a year to lose 50 pounds, though it will assuming you lose a pound a week, a safe and attainable rate. I mean you have to take time out of your day to exercise and prepare food. When I started my plan I would come home in the evenings and run on the treadmill. Now I also do Pilates. Then I’d have to go into the kitchen, shove off papers and dirty pans to make a clean section of the counter, and cook something.

By [...]

• Continue reading "Things no one told me about weight loss"