Sadly, this does not refer to my finishing placement but to my bib number. I was evidently the second person to register for the event, only after the elusive number one who I never sighted. This made me such a celebrity that a guy ran up to me after the race to ask, “Are you really number two?” to which I replied, “Yes, I’m number two!” Then his friend took a picture of us both holding up two fingers like a victory sign.

I had planned to run the Midsummer’s Night Run in Lexington, Kentucky with my old college roommate, Kelly, who lives in town. Sadly, Kelly injured her foot while riding a slide into a basement dressed as the Cheshire Cat, so I had to run alone. This was for the best because it would have been Kelly’s first 5K, and it was so AWFULLY organized that it probably would have turned her off to racing all together.

I had positive thoughts for the race at first because there was a festival atmosphere around the event. There was a kettle corn stand, ice cream, balloons and plenty of kids, some in strollers who would participate with their parents in the race. What they forgot to include was WATER.

After a messy start, we pounded down the road and passed a cop yelling, “MOVE OVER! Runner’s ahead of you are coming back this way.” The race route doubled back on itself, but the organizer’s decided to have someone yell at us about it instead of using traffic cones to mark a return lane like they have in other races I’ve run.

My plan for the race was to do intervals of four minutes of running followed by one minute of walking. This worked well for the first 15 minutes, after which the 80-something degree heat and high humidity had dehydrated me so much that my mouth was parched. At the one mile marker, there was no water station. I kept running and I kept looking for a water station. And looking. And looking. I didn’t see a water station, but I did see not one, not two, but three fountains along the race route, including this one:

I wish the race had been routed through there, and I was seriously considering making it a personal detour, but I was carrying a camera and a cell phone which I didn’t want to replace after they short circuited, so I carried on. We passed several groups of people at tables outside restaurants who cheered us on, but what I really wanted was for them to grab me a glass of water from the soda fountain. Finally, the race path went past the very end of the race, where there was a table on a sidewalk not too far away full of water. I ran away from the pack of racers, chugged a paper cup of water and then grabbed two more to drink as I walked. I then continued on and finally found the “real” water station, which was almost two miles into the race. I didn’t grab any water there because I’d just sucked down about 12 oz of the stuff, but only 2 minutes later my throat was dry AGAIN and I regretted it.

I tried to rally and keep jogging down the hard, hot Lexington streets, but I was fading fast and ended up walking all but the final stretch of the rest of the route. When I finally did run across the finish, I had to walk another block to get to the water station at the end, and was given only a brown, mushy, over-ripened banana to eat that looked like something Kroger had thrown out.

So, all in all the race sucked. I was disappointed by the poor organization and I was disappointed that I was unable to perform as well as I know I could have if I was properly hydrated. I’ve run 5 other races which varied in length from a 5K to a mini-marathon, and each one had water stations at least every mile. Some even stocked Gatorade! All of those races were during cooler temperatures than this race, so not only was it the hottest race I’ve run, it was the one with the least amount of water.

I ended up finishing in 47:23, which is somewhat pathetic considering all the training I’ve done in the past two months. I know, I should be proud to just finish. Rah, rah, rah, hooray for me. But seriously, I know I could have knocked that down to at least 44:00 in better circumstances. I was afraid at first that I was the only one who thought the race was poorly organized, but then I read the other reviews and was glad to see it wasn’t just me.

So, I have signed up for the Irish Fest 5K in downtown Indianapolis next month, which was the first 5K I ever ran two years ago. I hope to improve on my time and I also hope they will have water there, even if it’s contained in a sheep’s bladder they expect me to eat.

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By the way, thank you to everyone who sponsored me in the race! We raised $733 for headache research. The National Headache Foundation even called me and thanked us for the donation.

I have been following the Couch to 5K program with, um, only slight modifications. During week seven they made me start running for 25 minutes without breaks, which I did except for that one day where I took a two minute walking break near the end. There was also a day or two where I didn’t run for the whole time requested because I tried running several hours after I’d eaten anything and felt like I was going to fall over and smack my head on the treadmill console or vomit on it.

Otherwise it’s been going rather well, though I admit I’m dreading the 30 minute runs I have to do next week. I think it would be more appropriate for me to have a 10 or 11 week program instead of the 9-weeks one, but the race is coming up, so oh well! I also find it odd that the scale says I’ve gained five pounds since I started doing this, which I will just pray is muscle or water weight or my 5-year-old scale finally losing it’s silicon-plated mind. My pants still fit, so that’s a positive.

Some of you reading this might have started the Couch to 5K program at the same time I did and now are berating yourselves because you stopped training. “I could be running 25 minutes now like PastaQueen!” Well, don’t beat yourselves up. Just start over. You can always start over (when it comes to running at least). When I went to BlogHer, I didn’t run for several days, but I picked back up again. As Nike says, just do it.

Just a reminder that you can still sponsor me. All donations go to the National Headache Foundation. Thank you to everyone who has donated!

Also, congrats to Deb from Maryland who won the Stonyfield giveaway and has already accepted her prize.

The last minute is always the hardest. I am tired and out of breath, just like I’m out of quarters for the laundry. But I keep going because the last minute is where I make the most gains. It’s where I push my body a little bit further than it’s gone before, so tomorrow it can heal and go even farther the next day.

Today I will run for 8 minutes and walk for 5 minutes and run for 8 minutes as part of the 2nd day of training in the 5th week of the Couch to 5K program. I’m halfway there! I am pretty sure that last minute will be rough, but it will get me closer to the 5K and farther from the couch. It’s only a month and two days until the Midsummer Night’s Run 5K, and I’ve got to stick to every day of the training schedule to be in shape in time.

I’ve “enjoyed” the Couch to 5K program so far, but I have to put quotes around the word “enjoyed” because it has been challenging. The program has pushed me hard on each run, but not so hard that it’s impossible. (Uh, except for that one day when I stopped a minute early. Whoops!) I can feel myself gradually getting in better shape and I’m looking forward to the day when I can toss off a 5K again like it’s no big deal.

Just a reminder, if you sponsor me for at least $20 on my upcoming 5K, I will add your site to the list of sponsors in the middle rail. All money goes to the National Headache Foundation. Thanks for everyone who has donated so far!

It has been nice living on the second floor. I don’t hear people scuttle around above me. I’m not distracted by people walking past my windows. But dear Jesus, all those benefits come at the horrible cost of having to move all my crap in small, box-sized portions, down a flight of stairs in the sun and 90-degree heat and then jog back up for another round of misery.

The moving dragged on forever and ever and ever. After moving all the large objects in a rental truck last Monday, I was left with all the remainder items to transport in car loads. Each time I’d look around the apartment and think, “Ok, this will fit in two car loads.” Then I’d pack everything up and think, “Ok, I guess I actually have two more car loads after this.” And then I’d drive and unload and come back and pack up some more and think, “Ok, this is the final two car loads for sure,” but it was not. Eventually I wondered if I’d ever finish moving out at all, but finally, yesterday, I got almost all of my crap out of that apartment and just have to go back tonight to spackle some holes in the walls and turn in my keys.

So, if you are thinking of moving, imagine how much work you think it will be and then multiply that by 200% and then hit yourself in the arms and legs with a wooden spoon a few times to visualize all the bruises that will appear on your body after lugging boxes and lamps around, and then you might have a small sense of how much fricking work it is.

I resumed my Couch to 5K training on Saturday and was sort of worried I might not be able to do the run because I’d taken 5 days off to move things, but that was silliness. I did perfectly fine and felt good to be running instead of doing the equivalent of 15 flights of stairs. I’ve even lost a pound this week, despite eating a carton of ice cream, half a pepperoni pizza and an apple pie dessert pizza from Papa Johns. As I have learned from this experience and from my recent vacation, the secret to weight maintenance is that you can eat whatever crap you want as long as you work like a dog all day long. Construction workers may have tough jobs, but they must eat like I only dream I could.

• Run Lazy
• My Basement Gym
• Airplane Extenders
• ResuMAYDAY
• Yogurt Beats Cake
• …Things are going to start happening to me now
• Gravel and Rust
• Booth or Bust
• Fat Girl, Thin Dress
• Cupcakes Take the Cake
• Why the Weight?

This morning I completed the first day of week 3 of my Couch to 5K training. I like using the Podrunner Intervals MP3s while I’m running because they make a beeping sound when I’m supposed to switch from running to walking or back again. I’ve done interval training in the past by using my watch, which only makes me focus on the time. I’ll be huffing and puffing and look at my wrist to see I only have 30 seconds left…and then I check again and I have 20 seconds left…and then again I see I have 15 seconds left…and OH MY GOD CAN I STOP RUNNING YET?! Surely 30 seconds have gone by, right? A watched pot never boils, and a watched sports watch moves slower through time than an unwatched one. Having the podcast alert me when to switch gears let my mind wander and focus on other things than the time, making the whole run go by quicker.

At least, it usually does, until that last 3 minute interval I had to do today. I ran down the trail in one direction and turned around at the usual spot I’ve used during these runs, but because I was doing long running segments this week, I got back home faster than normal. So I had to keep chugging past the gate to my complex…and chugging some more…and then, oh really, let’s just walk the rest of the way even if I have to cut 60 seconds off the last interval. It is muggy and hot and this is good enough. Anyway, I’m still on track for the 5K, which is now less than two months away!

I used to exercise because I knew it was the only thing keeping the world from exploding. I would dash onto the trail immediately after work so I would have enough day light to complete my runs. I would lift weights as I watched Good Morning America. I did Pilates so much I found myself able to roll backwards and then leap up off the mat. I did this for months and months after I got my horrible, awful, no-good headache. I did it because I knew if I didn’t the universe would collapse and we would all die, because it was only the force of me exercising five times a week that was preventing total world annihilation.

But after about 8 months of the pain and the pathetic push-ups, I stopped. The running shoes stayed in the closet and my Pilates mat stayed in the corner and my weights just stayed put, period. And the world did not explode. The universe did not end. This was a very bad thing to discover. I needed to believe exercise was non-negotiable, but when it wasn’t, I started negotiating. I began to do what I wanted to do instead of what I needed to do. This usually involved ice cream and prime time television.

I’ve been feeling a lot better now and I’ve been walking regularly, but I am no where near as fit as I used to be. I have known I need to work on working out more, but I’ve lacked the spark I had during my running years to make it happen. Even my behavioral psychologist at the headache clinic has been on me about it, listing all the benefits of regular aerobic exercise, and making me giggle inside my head that someone is giving me weight-loss tips.

Then Kelly emailed me. You might remember Kelly from page 8 of my book, where she appears as Karen, my abs-crunching college roommate. I didn’t know how to contact her for permission, so I changed her name in the book to protect her identity (though I doubt anyone would be embarrassed to appear as the health conscious roommate in a weight-loss memoir). Kelly would work out in our dorm room and I would watch while I ate Twinkies. Like everybody and my father, Kelly is on Facebook, which is where we found each other again and decided that we’d enter the Midsummer Night’s Run, a 5K race held in Lexington, KY on August 15, 2009. Kelly’s wanted to run it for years and I need a clearly defined and measurable fitness goal to work towards, so we have submitted our money and are registered.

The race is 10 weeks away, which gives me enough time to complete the Couch to 5K running program. Developed by the Cool Running web site, Couch to 5K gets you from the couch to a 5K in nine weeks, though in my case it should be “Loveseat to 5K” because I don’t own a full couch. Many people have raved about this program, but I never got to try it because I’d already started running regularly before I’d heard about. Now I can test it for quality assurance!

I downloaded some podcasts linked from this Couch to 5K resource page, loaded up my MP3 player, and completed the first run on Saturday. To my surprise, I didn’t have to scrape my lung off the pavement like dog doody! It was actually…easy. I am not as out of shape as I thought I was! Woot! I was tempted to push harder and longer, but the program specifically tells you not to do that, so I was a good little girl and eased off. I’ve got 10 weeks to go and there’s no sense in burning out or injuring myself.

It felt surprisingly good to run again, making me feel more connected to the planet and to my body and myself. When I was at my most fit, I knew that I could get up and run a 5K whenever I wanted to. Just knowing that made me feel, well, kinda’ badass, oddly enough. Yet I know that at this moment I would not be able to run a 5K, though I could walk one. I’m looking forward to getting back to that level of fitness, and to keeping the world from exploding.

So, avoid the idiot’s method of running and do some reading before pounding the pavement. Before I dispense any advice, I should remind you I am not a doctor and I don’t even play one on TV. It’s always best to consult a physician before embarking on any exercise program, yadda, yadda, yadda. I know I sound like one of those disclaimers at the beginning of an exercise tape, but seriously, it’s best to make sure you are not putting yourself at risk before starting any intense exercise program. Okay? Don’t sue me if you twist your ankle. You’ve been warned.

The act of running applies something like 3-4 times your body weight on your joints. (Someone who is better at Googling than me can find the exact statistic.) If you weigh 500 pounds, you should not be running. You’re going to break yourself. Find another lower-impact exercise until you are at a weight at which you can run. I don’t know what weight at which it is “safe” to start running. Listen to your body. If you start to feel pain above and beyond the “I’m running and it hurts” type of pain, you should probably stop.

Couch to 5K

Couch to 5K is a popular training program that gets you from your couch to a five kilometer run (3.1 miles) in two months. If you’re not a runner, but want to be, this is the best way to go. The program originated at the Cool Running web site. You start by alternating 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of running walking for a total of 20 minutes. Eventually the jogging intervals get longer and the total time increases, and whallah! You’re running! There’s a big list of Couch to 5k resources here. I didn’t do Couch to 5K, but I know a lot of people who have and they all speak highly of it. And despite the title, you don’t have to actually own a couch to succeed.

Hold back a little

Most people start out running too fast. They sprint for 30 seconds, upchuck their lung onto the sidewalk and go back home. Run only 70%-80% as fast as you think you can. You’ll last longer and go farther. After a couple runs you’ll be able to pace yourself and have a better sense of your limits.

Stretch

Yeah, it’s boring. Do it anyway. It prevents injury. If you ignore me you’ll just get hurt and then your Couch to 5K program will be your Couch to 5K to Couch program.

Get good equipment

A good pair of running shoes also prevents injury. My local running store videotaped my feet as I ran on a treadmill to analyze my gait and recommend the best shoes for my running style. I’ve signed up to run a half-marathon in May, so I’m probably going to invest in some socks and clothes that wick sweat away from the skin. If you’re just starting out, you don’t need space-aged socks, but down the road you might consider it. Assuming you can run down the road.

Read expert advice

There are web sites that know a lot more about running than I do. Read sites like Runner’s World and Cool Running for more information on stretching, what to eat, etc. They can’t actually do the running for you, but they’ll get you off on the right foot, no matter what kind of shoes that foot is wearing. Jeff Galloway is a well-known runner who was overweight as a kid and has a blog for beginners as well as several training programs.

Accept that running is not for everyone

I love running. It’s my thing. But it’s not everyone’s thing. If you give it a good chance and decide you don’t love running, that’s okay. Find an activity you do love, or at least tolerate, and you’ll be more likely to stick with it.