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Weighing in on June

I could break out my calculator and the fancy charts and formulas to prove it, but I think I’m down about four pounds since the end of May. It’s harder to tell these days since my weight tends to modulate up and down like an FM radio frequency. That loss averages out to a pound a week, which is a lot higher than I thought I was pulling. I read some of my ancient entries where I complain about losing only two pounds a week and wonder why none of you drove through miles of cornfields just to knock on my door and then knock my lights out. I’m grateful for every ounce now. A pound a week is also a pretty good rate considering I went out drinking for a bachelorette party. I had to forcibly restrain my mind from trying to calculate how many calories were in all the alcohol. Being tipsy helps with the “not thinking” part. That kind of information, like your parents sex life, is something you just don’t want [...]

Lick the Produce Section – Squashing the squash and turning up a turnip

I have continued my exploration of the produce section in the past weeks, inappropriately fondling vegetables that I do not know the names of as if they were strippers. There’s no dancing pole in the vegetable aisle, which would make shopping more fun. But I didn’t have to tip the stock boy a twenty in his apron string either, so I guess it balances out.

Spaghetti squash

I had never heard of spaghetti squash before, but I’ve evidently been walking past it on my way to the cheese section for years. I cooked it in the oven for about 45 minutes after splitting it in half and placing it face down in a pan of water. Then I pulled it out to scrape out the insides. Those last two sentences sound like excerpts from The Happy Torturer’s Guidebook, but I swear that’s what All Recipes told me to do. The squash comes apart like strands of noodles, hence the name “spaghetti squash.” I ate it with some tomato sauce and Parmesan cheese and it was pretty good. [...]

Moments in culinary genius

PastaQueen enters the kitchen and takes the smoothie blender off of the shelf. She tosses in vanilla yogurt, milk, protein powder, frozen blueberries and vanilla extract. She turns on the blender and stirs the concoction with a stir stick through a hole in the lid’s top.

PastaQueen hears slight crunching sound. “Hmmm, those blueberries are really frozen together.” Crunch, thump, crunch. Uses stir stick to try and blend them together. “Man, I guess I should defrost them first next time.”

PastaQueen turns off blender. She removes the lid and licks the stir stick. She pours the smoothie into a tall glass. A cylindrical object covered in the blue, gooey mixture plops out. PastaQueen looks at object in confusion. “What is this, frozen ice?” She rinses object off to discover it is the battered plastic stopper that is placed in the hole in the lid when not using the stir stick. She glances down at her smoothie, suddenly noticing the grainy texture.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you the fiberglass smoothie!

PastaQueen pours smoothie full of small plastic bits down [...]

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Man looking into telescope

Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

Please Do Not Leave A Message: Why Millennials Hate Voice Mail : All Tech Considered : NPR
I left a voicemail for my younger brother last week which he never got because he doesn't check it. When I asked him about it, he was like, "Why didn't you text me?"

Life in Quarantine for Ebola Exposure: 21 Days of Fear and Loathing - NYTimes.com
I tend to stay at home a lot, but 21 days stuck in my apartment would drive me crazy.

Buy Experiences, Not Things - The Atlantic
Money can buy happiness if you spend it on experiences, not things.

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The Making of CHOCOLATE & VICODIN
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