July 18, 2007 at 8:30 am
I decided to take a stroll around the mall after getting my hair cut last week. The booth where they were tweezing people’s eyebrows by wrapping pieces of string around each hair was particularly fascinating. I don’t go to the mall that much and it’s always funny to be reminded that there are so many retailers that manage to eke out a living despite the fact that I’ve never heard of them. However, I had heard of Forever 21 from a friend who says their bargain-priced knock-offs of the latest styles are her guiltiest pleasure, even if they are somewhat cheaply constructed. You get what you pay for. As I was passing their glass display windows I had to tell myself, “Hey, PQ, you could go in there and shop now and the sales ladies won’t give you furtive judgmental glares and wonder what a fat ass like you is doing in their store. You don’t really have a fat ass anymore.” Then I thought, “Self, you are totally right. Even though the thought of [...]
July 1, 2007 at 8:16 am
I could break out my calculator and the fancy charts and formulas to prove it, but I think I’m down about four pounds since the end of May. It’s harder to tell these days since my weight tends to modulate up and down like an FM radio frequency. That loss averages out to a pound a week, which is a lot higher than I thought I was pulling. I read some of my ancient entries where I complain about losing only two pounds a week and wonder why none of you drove through miles of cornfields just to knock on my door and then knock my lights out. I’m grateful for every ounce now. A pound a week is also a pretty good rate considering I went out drinking for a bachelorette party. I had to forcibly restrain my mind from trying to calculate how many calories were in all the alcohol. Being tipsy helps with the “not thinking” part. That kind of information, like your parents sex life, is something you just don’t want [...]
June 30, 2007 at 8:36 pm
I have a lovely variety of dresses for sale on ebay which will make you feel as pretty as a princess without all the paparazzi that typically accompany that position. Bid early and bid high because mama’s got to pay for her new eyes.
June 17, 2007 at 2:53 pm
Rick Moranis is not my father, so I do not have access to a shrink ray. This means I have lots of perfectly nice clothes that no longer fit me. You can buy my reasonably priced attire on ebay and maybe one day I will be able to afford that shrink ray, or just a really good tailor. Here’s a list of all the items I’m currently selling. Guys, don’t feel left out, cross-dressing is a perfectly acceptable lifestyle choice these days.
June 6, 2007 at 9:57 am
I stumbled into an early bird sale at Kohl’s last weekend. I almost never go to stores without a coupon in hand, which was why I was at the Bed, Bath & Beyond across the street. I decided I needed a big cutting board to go with my big knife. My dinky little plastic board just wasn’t “cutting” it anymore. If I’m going to be chopping up heads of broccoli to roast I need more space for my produce scalping. Only I got to Bed, Bath & Beyond and realized I’d left my big, blue 20% coupon at home. Strange to think I’d misplaced it because those coupons are printed on huge cardboard postcards. It’s like losing a nuclear weapon. I decided to go to Kohl’s to see if they had a cheaper cutting board since I was in the neighborhood. At current gas prices I’ve calculated that it costs me about 11.5 cents to travel a mile. I really didn’t want my 69 cents to go to waste. That’s half a load of laundry [...]