Question: Can I give you advice on how to cut your hair, where to get your eyebrows plucked and what to wear?

Answer: No, thanks. I walk around this ugly on purpose.

Thank you. Now please SHUT THE FUCK UP and let me give away some God damn dresses, or I swear I will turn this blog around!

Disclaimer: I received the dresses reviewed in this post for free from Igigi in exchange for publishing a review and hosting a giveaway.

Last year I reviewed an Igigi dress and a few months later a reader commented to tell me she found the perfect wedding dress there. That made me feel rather good, particularly because I know how hard it can be to find pretty clothes when you’re plus-sized.

Igigi sponsored my friend Wendy‘s annual Weetacon party again this year and gave the larger ladies another opportunity to get a free dress in exchange for a review. Or at least that’s what Wendy told us when we sent in our top three picks a month beforehand. Then she took us out to the parking lot on the first night of Weetacon and pulled out all three dresses we’d each requested from her magical SUV which like a TARDIS must have been bigger on the inside than the outside. There was much squeeing and jumping up and down and the experience was as close to the “Favorite Things” episode of Oprah that I will ever get.

Anyway, you too might get to have a mini-Oprah moment if you enter the giveaway explained at the bottom of this post, but first here’s my review.

First choice: Carmella Lace Dress
Retail: $176

I’ve never owned a wrap dress before, so getting into this thing was a bit like a Westerner trying to put on a kimono. The ribbon goes through a hole in the dress and then you have to wrap it around in a certain way and tie it in the back, which was a bit tricky, but looked great once you figured it out. They say wrap dresses flatter every figure, and I think that’s true. I’m glad to have a little black dress in my wardrobe that I can wear in the evenings, or God forbid, to a funeral. (Nobody die on me, please. I don’t need to wear this dress that much.) I like the lace and the way the fabric flows when I twirl. I love to twirl. Do you love to twirl? It makes me feel like a six-year-old again in the best possible way.

(There is a scene in You’ve Got Mail where young Meg Ryan and her mom twirl in the book shop and it is my favorite scene in that whole movie.)

Second choice: Claire de Lune Dress
Retail: $152

This dress reaches almost to the floor, which makes it the longest dress I’ve ever owned. It made me feel like I was wearing a ball gown and I was dressed up to go somewhere super fancy. It would probably be good in the winter since it covers you up so well. I think it’s designed for a big-chested girl, but because this is also a wrap dress the top parts can be pulled tighter so there isn’t a gaping canyon of fabric falling off your chest. The ties in the back are really long, so be sure you tie a bow with big loops so you’re not dragging them on the floor.

This dress also twirls well.

Third Choice: Isobel Dress in Garnet
Retail: $112. On sale: $89.99

Ok, this is a pretty dress that looks great on the web site, but it did not look good on me. Had I paid attention to the “Shape Stylist” tab on their web site, I would have realized this and requested something else. I am a triangle shape and the site clearly says which shapes this dress flatters, but a triangle is not among them. Igigi knows best! Wiser women than I shall listen to them! So, instead of showing you how I looked in this dress, here’s how Wendy McClure looked because she is totally rocking it:

That said, I love the red color and the fabric is a nice and soft. It’s made from a jersey fabric, so I bet you could wear this all day and be perfectly comfortable. This dress doesn’t twirl well, but it has many other fine features.

Because there were several ladies running around in Igigi dresses, I also got to experience that Damn-it-why-didn’t-I-order-THAT-dress moment. For whatever reason, the Boulangerie Wrap Dress didn’t pop for me on their web site, but looked really great on the ladies who got it. In a perfect world I’d trade the Isobel dress in for that, but I already got several awesome dresses for free, so I will shut the hell up.

The Igigi web site does a good job of photographing their dresses from several angles and letting you see close ups. They’ve also got videos of models walking in the dresses for a few items, which gives you an even better sense of how they look and flow in real life. I used their size chart, but I think I should have requested the next smaller size than I chose. There you go. I’m not as fat as I think I am. It didn’t matter that much on the wrap dresses because you can adjust them. The Isobel dress isn’t a wrap dress, so the looseness in the wrong places was another reason it didn’t look so great on me.

Honestly, I probably would not drop $176 or even $152 on a dress no matter how pretty it is, but I’m kind of a cheapskate (which you know if you’ve read this blog, ever). I usually go to Macy’s and might find something in the $50-$80 range. But Macy’s does not have the fantastic selection Igigi has. I usually end up with only 1 or 2 real choices there, whereas Igigi has dozens of flattering options. Their clothes are really well made too, so if you do ante up for one of their dresses you definitely get what you pay for.

Giveaway! (What you really came here for.)
Igigi is letting me give away a $50 gift certificate to one of my readers. Anyone can enter, but if you live outside the US please be aware of Igigi’s shipping prices to your country. To enter, leave a comment below describing which item on the Igigi site you would wear to Prince Charles William and Kate Middleton’s wedding and why. One winner will be selected randomly. Giveaway ends at 11:59 Eastern time on Tuesday, April 5, 2011. Due to misbehavior in the comments, I decided to end the contest early at 11:40am Eastern time on Friday, April 1, 2011. My apologies to everyone who did behave respectfully.

There are also several other opportunities to win a $50 Igigi gift certificate on the other Weetacon attendee’s web sites. Here are the links so far:

• Susan reviews the Tres Chic and Bridgitte Sculpted dresses
• Jessi reviews the Igigi Estrella, Tres Chic and Florentia dresses
• Beth reviews the Audrey, Champs-Elysee, and Cybelle dresses
• Cari reviews the Vicenza Top, Montparnasse Dress, and Masterpiece Top
• Melinda Rae reviews the Tres Chic, Jackie 2-in-1, and Carmella Lace dresses
• Deb reviews the Elianne Top in Purple Magic and the Epiphany Top in Magenta
• Andrea reviews the the Carmella Lace Dress, the Bardot Pencil Skirt, and the Boulangerie Wrap Dress in Richelieu Blue

ETA at 11:00pm: Here are a few more links:

• Suzanna Danna reviews the Ingocnito Pencil Skirt, Tailored Pencil Skirt, and Sachi Printed Wrap Dress in Royal)
• Fredlet reviews the Francesca in black, Boulangerie in Richelieu blue, and Isobel in garnet dresses

ETA on 3/30/11 at 1:30pm: And a few more:

• Wendy McClure reviews the Isobel Dress in Garnet, and the Tres Chic in plum and black and white
• Veronica reviews the Mosaic dress

You can watch the @Weetacon twitter feed for announcements of any more reviews/chances to win. Actually, just visit this page for a complete list of the giveaways.

BTW, if you do buy an Igigi dress, tell them Weetacon sent you! They’ve been a very gracious sponsor, so I’d like for them to know their promotions are actually working.

Learn more about Jennette’s rosettes when she reviews Igigi’s L’Amourette dress.

Disclosure: I received the Igigi L’Amourette dress for free as part of this review.

One of the nice things about gaining back a bit of weight is that I can now shop at Igigi, though I still don’t know how to pronounce the store’s name. (Eee-gee-gee? Eee-jee-jee? Eee-gig-ee?) However you say it, Igigi makes beautiful clothes for plus-sized women. Sadly, I only heard about them after I’d gotten too small to shop there. Bummer. They would have been a lot of help that summer I was searching for a fancy dress with sleeves.

But now I’m a bit chubbier, and I fit into some of their dresses, so I finally got to try the clothes that I’ve heard so many of my friends rave about. The lovely Wendy (aka Weetabix) got the hookup and was able to score a free dress for me to wear at her party last weekend. Sadly, I forgot to take a picture of me wearing it at The Bad Bar with my glow-stick headband alighting my face, so I just took one in my apartment this afternoon.

I chose the L’Amourette dress, and it may as well have had compliments taped to the back of it because I collected adjectives such as “beautiful,” “gorgeous” and even “hot” throughout the evening. I don’t dress up much, which should not be a surprise coming from the girl who believes in one outfit for everything. But it was kinda’ fun to be all girly and pretty and to twirl around with rosettes on my skirt, for one night at least. The dress was very wearable. I had it on for at least seven hours and was able to dance, drink and eat in it without any bunching, clinging or other bad –ings. The size chart on the web site was right on, and the size they said would fit me did indeed fit me.

Igigi specializes in formal and semi-formal wear, such as dresses, skirts and blouses. They have a reputation for being well-made and beautiful, but you also pay for what you get, so you’re unlikely to find any deeply-discounted clearance items on their site. However, if you want to get your hands on the prettiness, you can use the code “Weetacon” and get 20% off your entire Igigi.com purchase. Offer expires April 1, 2010.

Thanks, Igigi!

When I was losing all that weight, I became fascinated by clothes because I was now small enough to have a selection in outfits instead of just having the option to buy a mumu in black or dark blue. There were blouses and jackets and mini-skirts, oh my! How fun it was to try on all the different clothes and parade my new body around in them and not look like a float!

Then, my weight stabilized and I got used to my new body and the shiny-new-toy aspect of all those clothes wore off and I decided the t-shirt and jeans combo was what I really liked. As a web developer who worked in a dark office with one window which looked out onto a recessed cavity in the roof, I got to wear my jeans and sneakers to work and no one cared. I so closely adhered to the “one outfit for everything” concept that I bought 5 t-shirts at Kohls in the exact same style that differ only in color and decorative pattern. The shirt fits. I like it. I feel comfortable in it. That’s all I care about. I suppose I am like one of those extras in movies set in the future where everyone wears the exact same shiny jumpsuit every day.

When an event comes up where I can’t wear my one outfit for everything, it is always an ordeal. I have to buy a dress for a wedding or, God forbid, shave my legs because I’ll be wearing a skirt. I have to find a pair of shoes that match the dress and it’s just work, work, work! Sometimes it doesn’t even occur to me that I should alter my one outfit, like last night when I went to a party in the park with some friends and noticed that everyone else was wearing sandals and shorts, while I was still wearing my jeans and running shoes.

I am happy with my one outfit for everything. I am happy for people who wear a hundred outfits for a hundred things too. I understand how fun it can be to play around with clothes and dress up if that’s your thing, but for me it’s one outfit for everything and that’s the way I like it.

I have however been slightly worried about accountability. When I went to San Francisco for the BlogHer convention I told myself, “Eat whatever you want to!” which my brain interpreted as “Gorge yourself!” I tripped a mental switch that made me think I could eat whatever I wanted to as long as I was in California. I found myself wandering around the airport before my midnight flight looking for an ice cream stand because if I had a cone in the west coast terminal it would be ok, but if I stopped for one in Indianapolis it would somehow be “wrong.” The next time I tell myself, “Eat whatever you want to!” please remind me that is a cracked-out idea. I did that last Christmas and thought I’d learned my lesson when I felt like I was going to vomit up the pumpkin roll, brownie, caramel cake and other goodies I’d ingested. I should not be allowed to eat whatever I want to because the world would quickly run out of food.

So, I’d like to not get fat again (and to stop splitting my infinitives), but I’m not going to start weighing in publicly again. Instead I introduce my new accountability tool: The pants factor. I will not buy new pants! Well, I will buy new pants eventually once these get holes or become threadbare, but I will buy them in the same or smaller size. I will not buy BIGGER pants. If they start to get tight, tough cookies, no more cookies for me. The denim cutting into my waist can remind me to eat a salad for lunch instead of going out for Cajun food with my coworkers. I’m surprised my pants aren’t cutting off my circulation right now, but they remain pretty comfortable, if a little tighter than they did before I ate half of San Francisco.

No new pants! That is my motto. Hopefully it will work.

It was a good reminder, because someone snuck into my apartment and switched my dumbbells with heavier ones. I know that eight-pounder was not that hard to lift last month. I’m sure neglecting my upper body weight routine has nothing to do with it at all. I’ve been distracted with my new YMCA classes and my running schedule, but I do not want to lose my beautiful upper body muscles. I’m quite pleased with the way everything above my belly button looks (yes, even the underarm flab). I don’t want to lose the definition I’ve worked so hard to build.

There are times at home when I look in the mirror and think, “You really could stand to lose those last 10 or 20 pounds. If you wanted it more you could actually do it.” But thankfully there are also days when I go to Target claiming I will only buy a pair of socks and end up buying $80 worth of sportswear because I think I look cute in it. This may very well be the secret to exercising. Buy yourself cute activewear! Run outside so everyone can see how cute you look in it. It was rather ridiculous how long I stood there striking poses and admiring my biceps and punching towards the mirror. It was completely vain and self-centered and self-indulgent and telling this story will only make me sound like a Narcissus to be loathed by the entire Internet, but I’m glad there are days that I like what I see in the mirror. I hope every girl or boy has days like that, no matter how fat or thin they are.

Soooooo, in conjunction with Everlast, I’m offering you the opportunity to win a free tank top! I know, this has gotten rather ridiculous. It’s the 3rd giveaway in two weeks. You either think I’m a total corporate whore or that I’ve started stealing things off the backs of trucks. The latter is not true and hopefully neither is the former. When people ask me if I want to give away free chicken and water filters and tank tops, I can’t think of any good reason not to. I didn’t even write the first few paragraphs of this entry for the contest. I just started writing an entry and suddenly realized it would make a good segue.

Everlast sent me three double ribbed tank tops in the above photo, a small mint rush (green), a medium berry blast (pink), and a large legend blue (purple). (They did not send me the models, which is good because I cannot afford to feed and clothe them.) The price tags say $20.00, but they are normally priced at $16.99 on the Everlast site (though it looks like they are on sale for $9.99 this week). To enter, leave a comment telling me about an outfit that made you feel pretty. Contest ends 11:59p.m. on Thursday, February 14th. One entry per person, no duplicate entries please. This is open to international folks as well. Please specify what size you would like. If you want more than one size, post them in order of priority. For example, if you say you only want the small and are drawn after a person who already grabbed the small, you won’t win anything and I’ll draw another name. If you’d said you want the small first and the medium second, you’d get the medium. This is the last giveaway I’m going to do for awhile, so get posting!

The changing seasons mean a lot for my weight loss. I’m going to have to buy a whole new winter wardrobe, again, for the third year in a row. Yeah, this is the part where I send out engraved invitations to my pity party and no one RSVP’s. “Ooooh, that’s so horrible, PastaQueen. You’re so small you have to buy new sweaters. We feel so, so, terrible for you.” I know, it’s a good problem to have, but it’s still a problem. I still mourn the loss of my fuzzy brown extra large sweater. It was so soft and flattering of my coloring! At least I’m small enough that I can find lots of stuff at the thrift store now. Luckily, I don’t think I’ll have to buy a new winter coat. Yay! The old one was a bit tight last year but now it’s a bit loose, so there’s about $100 saved. I could put it towards buying an alpaca. I’d rent a carport for him to live in and I’d start making my own yarn and knit my own sweaters. Or I could just hit the clearance racks.

As it gets colder it will also mean I’ll have to abandon my beloved trail and head inside to run on the treadmill. I anticipate that this will suck hardcore. I wasn’t serious about running last year, but yesterday I ran 5 miles in 55 minutes. This was tolerable because I had changing scenery, but I don’t know how I’m going to cope with looking at a wall for almost an hour. Last year I watched TV shows and got through both seasons of The Venture Brothers and almost all five seasons of Justice League and Justice League: Unlimited. Right now I’m contemplating watching every episode of Daria. The other danger with the treadmill is that I can hop off at any time, whereas on the trail once I’ve run two and a half miles in one direction I pretty much have to run back or take up hitchhiking. I also have a new downstairs neighbor, so I have no idea how the sound of me jogging on his ceiling is going to go over.

The one good thing about fall is that it heralds the return of Jell-O’s pumpkin flavored instant pudding. Mmmm! It’s not sugar-free or fat-free, but oh well, Jell-O, I love you anyway. I’ll indulge in it reasonably with some fat-free whipped cream. It’s so much more exciting when you can only get a food for a limited time. It makes it more special, like Easter Peeps.

P.S. – I’m turning off comments on this one because I feel like I’m whoring for compliments with all of these photos lately. I know I look good and thank you for thinking so too!

My dress was green but did this cool shimmering thing in the light that gave it a red sheen, which doesn’t show up in the photos at all, so you’ll just have to take my word for it. You can’t tell from these pictures, but in the hotel photo my straps are beaded and in the limo photo they are not. Why is this?

BECAUSE I HAD A FASHION EMERGENCY!!

I had successfully put on my dress and walked out to the car in my open-toed shoes that delightfully showed off my pink toenail polish. However, when I opened the passenger’s side door and leaned over to put my purse on the floor I heard a SNAP! Then my right strap went slack. Then I said some naughty words. In my fatter days I sometimes had concerns about splitting tight pairs of pants, but I’d thought my days of possible wardrobe malfunctions were over. Alas no, the wire holding the beaded strap to the front of the dress broke. It was just like that time Kelly Monoco’s top almost came off during Dancing with the Stars, only I didn’t have a live studio audience and I wasn’t doing the samba.

Miraculously the beads stayed on the wire and I was able to hold the strap as we drove to the church. Thankfully, we had expert help on site. My mother is a professional seamstress who carries a sewing kit in her purse. She carefully analyzed the situation in the lobby of the chapel. First we tried sewing the strap back onto the dress, but there wasn’t enough wire left to do so. We considered just tucking the straps under my dress at my armpits and going strapless, but I was concerned I might end up flashing the congregation during my reading from Solomon. Next we were thinking of attaching the strap with Scotch tape and safety pins and camouflaging the whole mess with my corsage, but as we looked at my corsage we realized the florist had provided us with a solution. There was a small white ribbon tied neatly around the stems.

Yes, my mother sewed new straps onto my dress in the lobby of the church half an hour before my brother’s wedding using only ribbon from a corsage and a sewing kit. She didn’t even charge me an alteration fee. If we had a video camera, I’m sure we could use footage of this incident to get her an audition on Project Runway.

After that, I made sure to sit up very straight and not bend over. I made it through the ceremony without flashing anyone, though I broke the left strap while bouncing around to “Shout” at the reception. Luckily, my left beaded strap was still in tact, so I just slipped on the spare from underneath my armpit and all was well for the rest of the night. And if my spare straps had broken, I’m sure we could have fashioned a whole new dress out of the tablecloths and napkins.

The most remarkable thing other than my impromptu alterations is that no one said a word about my underarm flab. In fact, I got lots of compliments about how good I looked. So girls, don’t fear the sleeveless dress! I’ve got baggier underarms than 99% of the population and it was no big deal. You don’t have to live in fear of the strapless dress, just the fear that your dress will become strapless.

Why yes, self. It’s when you have too much iron. It’s like reverse anemia.

Um, I don’t think that’s what it means.

Oh, really. Are you a doctor?

No, but I did take a creative writing class once. That’s not what “irony” means.

If you already know what it means, then why are you asking me?

Well, I thought it would be a cute way to set up a blog entry. I was just playing dumb.

Oh, okay then. Irony is “incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result.” For example, say someone has worked two and half years so they would no longer have to shop at Lane Bryant. Then say that the very month that person can finally squeeze into the largest size not sold at Lane Bryant (size 12) and she runs around shopping all weekend looking for jeans is also the very same month Lane Bryant introduces a line of jeans that evidently fit everyone’s body shape. But only if they’re plus-sized. That would be irony.

The big LB introduced Right Fit jeans this month which come in three cuts – straight, curvy and extra curvy. They have a new sizing system which I suspect was brainstormed over a late night Uno card game. Once you get measured you’ll get a new size like Blue 4 or a Red 7 or Yellow 5. Or you can just grab a card out of the Uno deck and hope the matching pants fit. Since women’s sizing makes no sense anyway, I have no problem with LB making up their own system. The early reviews from The Pretty Pear are very positive. Now if only LB would make them in my size…

I did venture out of my apartment in search of the perfect jeans this weekend, and like my search for the perfect man it is still ongoing. I can now say that I have set foot in all of the following stores: The Gap, Banana Republic, Anne Taylor, Anne Taylor Loft, Marshalls, TJ Maxx and Macy’s. I’d already been to Macy’s and TJ Maxx before, but I was able to try on a lot more pants this time. And no one kicked me out of the store! They didn’t even make me spit out my gum. I was surprised to discover there actually were some size 14′s and 16′s at places like The Gap and Banana Republic, but only a couple. It’s nice that they were there, but if I were still a bit bigger it wouldn’t seem worth all the trouble to come out to the mall to try on the four items they had in my size. Also, I think the sales guy at The Gap might have been flirting with me. Either that or he really wanted to sell me a pair of low rise jeans. I can never tell with salespeople. Flirting might just be the way they make commission.

My shopping expedition also made me very class conscious. The mall that has The Gap and Banana Republic and Anne Taylor has as its anchor stores Fifth Avenue Saks and Parisian. I passed a valet parking stand on the way into the mall. Lots of people were wearing their sunglasses as they walked to the door, probably because the floors are so shiny they may temporarily blind you like a vision of the Madonna. While there were certainly a fair share of people in capris and tanks and sweats, there were also people who could have gone to a country club party after purchasing their uniquely shaped glassware at Crate and Barrel. Then I’d head off to places like Marshalls and TJ Maxx which sell off-price, discounted merchandise. I could not see my reflection in the floor and the dressing rooms felt more like a cattle call. The look in some of my fellow shoppers eyes was predatory, like if I were to get in the way between them and the 80% off Elliott Lucca handbag they’d slit my throat with their acrylic nails and leave me to stain the luggage section in blood. Which would then be reduced and marked “as is.” At both places I felt a little out of place.

After I was done shopping for clothes, I went to Target to get kitty litter and realized that the red store is the place I feel most class unconscious. The prices are affordable, but the décor is a little cleaner and prettier than places like Wal-Mart. Whenever I shop at Wal-Mart I feel like I’ve entered communist Russia. The check-out lines are sometimes as long as food ration queues. I feel like part of the down-trodden underclass, a 21st century peasant. I don’t mean to disrespect the existence of Wal-Mart or places like it, at least not on the basis of price and atmosphere. Their business practices and the way they treat employees are up for grabs. I know many people depend on their low prices simply to survive in life. I just know that I’m willing to pay a little extra for the nicer atmosphere at Target. Call me a snob, maybe I am.

Either way, it’s nice to have so many choices now and I look forward to completing further reconnaissance at similar stores. I’ll report back my findings hidden in microdots in the third “i” of my blog entries. Be on alert!