The feeling itself isn’t that new though, because it’s how I’ve felt about my body for the last couple years. After the first nine months I found myself startled whenever I put my hand on my hip and realized I could feel the edge of my pelvic bone. A couple months after I started weight-lifting I reached behind my neck to rub my shoulders and was surprised when I felt the hard mass of muscle beneath my skin. And lately when I’m standing in the kitchen stirring my oatmeal with one hand, the other is usually pressed hard against the side of my chest where I can actually count my ribs with my thumb. Don’t worry, you can’t actually see my ribs beneath my skin, but the layer of fat between my epidermis and those curvy bones is finally thin enough that I can detect their presence with a little pressure.

It never ceases to amaze me how malleable the human body is. There are so many different ways I could look, fat or thin, toned or flabby, wearing glasses or de-spectacle-ed. The possibilities grow wider when I think of the rainbow array of hair dyes available, the thousands of make-up counters across the country, the millions of possible tattoo designs from Tweety Bird to a bed of roses on someone’s back, and all the different places the human body can be safely (and unsafely) pierced. You really could completely reshape your visual identity if you wanted to.

I was searching for old high school friends recently on one of the many social networks available today and it was strange to see photos of people almost 10 years since I last saw them. One guy looked exactly the same in his red flannel shirt hugging his dog. I was glad another had her name posted with her picture because I barely recognized her beneath her dark-red-dyed hair and thick cranberry lipstick. I have no idea if people will recognize my picture or not. I’m about 80-60 pounds lighter than I was in high school, so I’m definitely thinner, but my college professors would consider it even more shockingly thinner. Either way, it’s nice to know that we can change if we want to, but if we want to stay the same that’s a perfectly reasonable option too. I doubt the make-up salesmen trying to sell me 10 shades of lipgloss would agree on the latter though.

Which is why it is so odd that I was ecstatic that it was warm enough this weekend to go running on the trail. Maybe it’s because no one throws balls at me out there – at least not yet – though I did need to watch out for dog poop. Is there a plastic bag shortage I should know about? Because it wasn’t so poopy out there last year. I know the physical changes in myself over the past two years are obvious, but it’s attitude changes like this that I find the most fascinating. I’m now the kind of person who likes to run outside and who cooks her dinner most every night. I’ve heard that over the course of every seven years, every cell in your body replaces itself at least once. I don’t know if this is actually true or one of those urban myths, but sometimes I wonder if my data got slightly corrupted and now I’m a copy of someone I never was.

Either way, running in the fresh air was fun and uplifting in ways I can’t really describe. I’m able to run much farther now than I could back in the fall. Whenever I saw another runner passing by, I felt like we were in a secret club of people who know how great running feels. If you’re not in the club, you just can’t understand. I know, because I definitely did not used to have a membership card. The idea of exercise for fun seemed illogical. In the Venn diagram of my old life, you’d have to place me outside the circle of “People who enjoy running,” but now you can put my name right in the middle.

1) Do you feel that you (the person, soul, who you are) has changed since you have lost weight?

Yes. Which is funny because when I started this whole thing I was sure I would be telling people that I was still the same person, just thinner, and they were all jerkfaces for judging me because of my weight. People who discriminate against you because of your weight are still jerkfaces, but I’m not the same person I was 180 pounds ago. I’m more confident and willing to interact with the world. This is partly because I know I look better and know people will react more positively to me because of that, but partly because I feel a lot of pride and power from accomplishing such a huge task and taking control of my life. I feel like I’m driving now, not just sitting in the back seat of a stinky taxi cab with a questionable upholstery stain. I’m also happier and mellower because I’m eating better. Food = mood.

I was watching The Best of She-Ra – Princess of Power DVD I got for Christmas last week when one of the writers on the behind-the-scenes documentary mentioned something insightful (because truly all I need to know in life I learned from She-Ra). He said when She-Ra’s twin brother changed from Prince Adam to He-Man he went from being a bit of a coward to being a brave hero, and gay male fantasy. (Okay, he didn’t actually say the last part, but it’s true.) His sister Adora was already a take-charge, confident woman who was leading a rebellion. When she became She-Ra she simply became more of herself, complete with a flying horse and a sword that can change into a scuba helmet (for real!). So maybe I’m not actually a different person, I’m just more myself. I’ve turned the amp up to 11. I am She-Ra! Though you’ll never get me to wear an outfit like hers because I honestly don’t know how her top stays up. That must be another one of her powers.

Also, keeping a blog for the past two years has made me a better writer. That’s not a weight-loss thing, but I wouldn’t have kept up with the blog if I wasn’t losing weight. The weight loss was the catalyst to keep me writing, and all the practice improved my craft.

2) Have others said you have?

My aunt recently commented that I “glowed” at the Thanksgiving reunion and had never heard me laugh so much before. Several people at work have complimented me on the loss, though none of them have said I’m a different person. On Monday I was walking past the pub downstairs at work when the owner kept staring at me like I was a vision of the Virgin Mary in tennis shoes.

3) How do you feel about that?

The Virgin Mary seems more like a sandal girl. Oh, you mean other’s reactions? The attention is a bit odd, but I think people are just amazed at how much someone can physically transform themselves. I’m pretty amazed too. I’m more desensitized to it since I see myself everyday, but some of these people go weeks or months without seeing me, so it’s got to be shocking. Also, I have to agree with my Aunt, I am more glowy now. Hopefully it’s just my spirit shining through and I haven’t been contaminated with nuclear waste.

4) If you don’t feel that the person you are has changed, why do you think others are saying that you have?

Guess I don’t have to answer this since I said I’d changed. It’s possible I’m different in other ways that I don’t even realize. Sometimes we lack the perspective to realize how much we’ve changed. It’s not like you can unstick yourself from time and jump a year backwards in life like the main character in Slaughterhouse Five. Sometimes the people around us notice changes we ourselves don’t. When I hear my voice on an answering machine or when I would watch a video of myself when I was fat, I’d think “That cannot possibly be me. I do not sound or look like that.” But I did. Perhaps now the image I am projecting more closely matches the image I had of myself all along. Though my voice still sounds funny on the answering machine.

I had a good Christmas, though I hit the snickerdoodles a bit hard, for they are cookies that are just as delicious as their name is silly. There were no bags of chocolates and candies littering the coffee table as in past years, so it was much easier to keep my body composition from becoming 2% cocoa. Family and friends fill me up more than peppermint sugar sticks ever could anyway.

Also, Happy Birthday, Cristy!