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Let them eat cake

I am still getting back into the swing of things post-holidays. I don’t remember much from the time after I passed out into a sugar-induced coma. However, as the pictures below show, I was present for the lighting on my mother’s 60th birthday cake on Sunday.

Here we are lighting the cake.

And here we are still lighting the cake.

And here we are again, still lighting the cake, watching the frosting start to melt.

And finally, the cake is lit! My mother blew out the candles in one breath, proving that old age has not affected her lung capacity. Happy birthday, Mom! Here’s to 60 more years!

The day of the donut burger

Yesterday at work we made hamburgers with Krispy Kreme donuts as the buns. I don’t know why. These things just happen. One minute you’re talking about chocolate-covered bacon and the next you’re daring your boss to cut off two years of his life in two Krispy, greasy bites.

A lot of supplies are required to make donut burgers: a griddle, glazed donuts, ground beef, bacon, cheese, eggs and of course lettuce and tomatoes. Don’t forget your veggies! If you ever make these at your own workplace, a fried egg works well to cover up the donut hole. Don’t forget to toast your donut on the griddle for extra crispiness! But have thick plates and lots of paper towels because these are prone to drip.

I myself did not have a donut burger because the day before that we had frosted carrots for my birthday.

See? There are twenty-eight carrot flakes on top of a carrot cake, and they even spelled my name right. My coworkers are awesome. I’m going to miss them when they all have coronaries.

A history of cake

I have a lot of photos of myself sitting in front of cake. I noticed this when I dug out my mother’s photos albums and boxes of unsorted prints looking for a good “before” photo earlier this year. “No wonder I was so fat. I was always eating cake!” I thought. Then I realized that, no, I wasn’t always eating cake. We just always took pictures of me on my birthday, at which we always ate cake.

These pictures do provide a good timeline of how I’ve aged over the years, and what my taste in pastries was at the time. So today, I give you a history of cake.

Age: 10

Wearing a corduroy jumper made by mother. I was currently obsessed with headbands. Looks like we got out the fancy metal plates for the occasion! I love how my hands are encircling the cake, as if to say, “Mine, all mine!”

Age: 14

Wearing my marching band T-shirt and about to devour a Tazmanian Devil cake.

Age: 15

Wearing one of those long t-shirts we used to tie in a [...]

Let them not have cake!

We’ve merged with another department at work, and not since the Indians threw a party for the Pilgrims has there been this much food proffered as a greeting. At the meeting announcing the merger there were chocolate-iced donuts sitting in a pink box at the back of the room. At the new monthly departmental meeting there were cookies passed around the table, sweet chocolate wafting right past my nose as I passed them on. Last week there were bagels (a shitload of bagels, like bagel diarrhea) on the kitchenette table all day long to entice the departments to mingle. And yesterday, I got an email announcing the monthly pitch-in that is a tradition in the other department. God only knows how we’ll celebrate birthdays, but I’m assuming it will involve several sticks of butter and a defibrillator in the corner in case of emergency. The pitch-in announcement said something like, “Who doesn’t want an excuse for a pitch in?” PastaQueen raises her hand.

I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that I am anti-cake [...]

Eye appeal

I don’t cheat on my taxes and I never cheated on a test, but lately I’ve been experimenting with “cheat meals.” This kind of cheating doesn’t require me to make up imaginary deductions or sneak peeks at my friend’s quiz paper, but it does let me indulge in whatever I want for one meal a week as long as I eat healthy the rest of the time. Actually, I started out experimenting with a whole cheat day, but that turned into a food orgy that even Caligula would be ashamed to attend, so I’ve cut it back to just one cheat meal a week. It’s supposed to help prevent your body from thinking you’re starving and keep your metabolism geared up. Just like most diet science, I have no idea if that’s actually true, but I’m willing to experiment with it especially if it lets me sample those pastries in the Kroger deli that always look so delectable.

Sadly, some things look a lot better under glass than they taste in my mouth, like Starbucks pumpkin [...]

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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