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One more time in 2010

So, last week I split my pants.

Thankfully I was at home, and the only person who saw a flash of my clean white undies was my roommate (and possibly the two cats). Regardless of what we ultimately blame for this incident, be it the textile industry or the size of my ass, one cannot ignore that this is a stereotypically fat-person thing to do. I may as well have sat on a chair which collapsed beneath me. As I mentioned on Wednesday, I clearly need help.

Split pants

If my life were an episode of that old VH1 series, “Behind the Music,” this moment in my life would be the time when I hit rock bottom after spiraling downward in a heroin and cocaine fueled whirlwind, only I used ice cream and chocolate instead. For those of you just entering the story, I developed a chronic headache two years ago that really f*$%ed me up. It changed the way I thought about food, making me see it more as a coping mechanism than I ever had before.

While we can blame at least 80% of my weight gain on the pain, depression and medications, the headache excuse is getting a bit old. At this rate, I might try blaming the poor economy and the high unemployment rate on my headache too. It has become the easy excuse for anything that is going wrong, just like being fat used to be. I’ve been managing my headache a lot better this year, and there’s no reason that I should be gaining weight. The real reason is that I haven’t been on the case lately, and because last December I snuck down some chimneys to eat cookies people just left lying around for some Santa person. When I braved the scale on Monday, I discovered I had gained ten pounds in one week.

Ten pounds!

Which explains why my pants split. But, I’m not one to wallow or whine. Instead, I’ve decided this is my theme song for 2010:

For those of you at work who can’t turn your speakers on, the song is “One More Time” by Daft Punk. It’s happy and upbeat and as the lyrics repeat over and over, we’re going to do this “one more time.” Fitting, because I’m going to do it one more time. Grand total, I’ve gained 50 pounds from the weight I felt comfortable at and maintained for a year and a half. It sucks, but it’s hardly unusual. Unfortunately people gain back weight all the time.

I have decided that when I fill out my National Weight Control Registry form next year I am going to be reporting a loss. I have decided that when I weigh in at my doctor’s office, the numbers will be going down. I have decided that I am going to lose the weight again and keep it off, and anyone who says that’s impossible can bite me (preferably in the thigh, which is high in cellulite).

I could look at my weight gain as a purely bad thing, but I will look at it as an opportunity to achieve another goal I can be proud of. I will be the girl who regained 50 pounds and then lost it and didn’t gain it back. *fingers crossed* Which is why I like the Daft Punk song. It is happy and talks about celebrating one more time, and that’s just what we’re going to do. As anyone who watched “Behind the Music” knows, the story always ends triumphantly with a comeback. I am all fired up and I have a plan!

I think my thinking is what’s really different from when I was thinner. Two years ago I wouldn’t have considered ordering the stuffed cinnamon pancakes at Bob Evans, and last week I barely cared that I did. When I first lost weight, I learned all the nutrition and fitness information I had been lacking all my life, so I’m certain I know how to lose weight now. I need to get back into the proper mindset to make it happen. That’s why I’m doing The Beck Diet Solution, which is a six-week cognitive therapy program that is supposed to help with behavior modification. I’ll be updating you on how that goes. I’ve got my note cards and my pen and my journal with the dopey cover that I got from Hallmark. How can I fail?

Dopey journal

I’m not going to weigh in here, because I think that would drive me five kinds of crazy. I do have a little widget in the bottom right of the page from Traineo that says how many pounds I have to go. I’m setting my first goal to just lose 20 pounds, then we’ll go from there.

I also have to admit, I debated whether to write about this publicly. I wrote a weight-loss memoir two years ago, and I know a lot of newbies will be arriving here because of new year’s diet resolutions. I was concerned they’d see this post and think, “Well, this girl is obviously a big failure. I’m not going to buy her book! In fact, I’ll write the publisher and demand they burn every existing copy!” Ultimately though, I decided it’s just best to be honest, and to never give up on what you want. (And hey, if you buy it, there’s still time to win that free camera!)

The only good thing about this, besides the chance to prove myself again, is that my favorite pair of brown corduroys fit again! They were my “goal pants” back when I was trying to lose weight in college. Those pants reminded me that I’ve been way fatter than I am now, so things could be a lot worse. Anyway, here’s to the first 20 pounds in 2010!

Chocolate & Vicodin: My Quest for Relief from the Headache that Wouldn't Go Away
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88 Comments

Elizabeth • January 8, 2010 at 9:05 am

So I bought Dr. Beck’s book months ago, carried it around in my purse for a week (weight-lifting?) and promptly shelved it. You’re mentioning it seems like a sign from the New Year’s gods to get my ass in gear.

I’d say “good luck!,” but you clearly know what you’re doing. :)

Looking forward to your new book!

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Susan • January 8, 2010 at 9:28 am

Here’s to a successful 2010. I know you can do it.

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tami • January 8, 2010 at 9:34 am

i just wanted to say you can do it, blah blah blah right, butyou can, we call can once we truly make the decision to do so.

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Chris • January 8, 2010 at 9:43 am

My wife got a bathroom scale for Christmas … on an unrelated note, I’m currently eating fruit for breakfast rather than a McSkillet burrito.

You can do it, you’ve already done it once.

If you need/want a motivator over at traineo, just let me know.

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Tamara • January 8, 2010 at 9:53 am

That’s exactly where I am. In the beginning I didn’t loose as much as you, but I did loose alot and now I’ve gained it all back, plus 15 lbs. I have 50 lbs to loose. We can do it! 2010 is the year!

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Anonymous Fat Girl • January 8, 2010 at 9:54 am

Losing weight is simple, but it’s not easy.

You have proved before that you can do this and I have no doubt you can do it again.

Who gives a shit if someone new sees this post??? I would have MORE respect for you admitting you are human and aren’t perfect. In fact, I DO have more respect for you.

We’ve all been here (most of us anyway) and it’s all about learning.

P.S. If you get sick of blaming the gain on your headache, you can always blame my husband. That’s what I usually do when all else fails. ha ha

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Tiffany S. • January 8, 2010 at 10:09 am

I’m glad to see your resolve and killer sense of humor are back! It is absolutely NOT impossible to lose the weight and keep it off. You absolutely can and will.

I know you’ve tried EVERYTHING, but I last year I found that 3 visits to the hypnotherapist was helpful. She specialized in eating issues (she wasn’t my fave therapist across the board so I didn’t see her regularly but I do feel the hypnosis gave me a little boost).

I read Beck and found it helpful. Another blogger is doing a book club on it right now.

I know you can do this!

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ChrissyS • January 8, 2010 at 10:12 am

Yes, it is a good song; I like their music.

No reason at all to hesitate to put this post on your blog. Your honesty and willingness to share has been appreciated by many here. You are very REAL. Glad you are working at getting rid of weight that found it’s way back. I don’t see it as a failure by any means; I see it as real, and an inspiration. (I had suspected early on that you were human, even though some of your feats are quite amazing. =)

Fighting against regaining is something that WL success stories deal with, although the health issues you must endure aren’t necessarily.

Please know that your writings here continue to inspire.

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Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit • January 8, 2010 at 10:16 am

There’s nothing that quite gets your attention than pants-splitting. I guess it’s just your ass’ way of saying “HELLO UP THERE… TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT I’M UP TO!”

I applaud you for pulling back on the reins and deciding to get it back under control. It’s demoralizing to lose weight that you’ve already lost, but I’ve found that it can be educational as well.

I’ve recently lost 90 lbs on what I’m feeling more and more confident will be my last weight-loss stand. Yo-yo’ing is probably more harmful on the body that being obese, and I know too much to go back again.

Good luck on knocking that 20 back again, but I’m sure you’ll ace it in no time.

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Cindy • January 8, 2010 at 10:46 am

Jennette, you can do it! I’m a big believer in Beck; it helped me lose my weight. Over the past year, I’ve more or less maintained. Right now I’m a little on the “less” side. And I too have been struggling with the shame and frustration, because like you, I blog about it and have a regular audience, and feel obligated to them.

But I firmly believe that for those of us who are inclined to use food to solve our problems, or just like to eat (I fall into both categories), it’s absolutely normal to go off track now and then. We cannot afford to panic or shame ourselves about it (not that that’s what you’re doing; those are my own demons). I think we have to approach it calmly and say, “Well, this is part of the process; what do I need to do to get back on track?”. And that is exactly what you’re doing.

I also believe that our bodies are going to settle at a weight that’s comfy for them, which may or may not be the jeans size or scale number we’d like. I’m a size 14 right now and I’d like to be a 10. I plan to keep at it until I achieve 10hood, but if my body isn’t meant to stay there, so be it. It’s not worth a constant struggle. Health and fitness should be the real goal, not a certain size.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck. You’ll get there. :)

Cindy

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Tara • January 8, 2010 at 10:49 am

Good luck PQ! You can do this, you’ve done it before so that’s got to help motivate you!

Keep us updated! I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of that you gained some weight back – 90% of people who lose weight gain it ALL back, plus some and you haven’t done that.

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Jennifer • January 8, 2010 at 11:05 am

Suckfest! I can gain 10 lbs in a week too. It’s not supposed to be possible, but I guess if you work really hard at something…..:) I’m trying to relose my 30 I gained back too. Food addiciton blows. Period.

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kathy • January 8, 2010 at 11:05 am

Honestly always rawks much more than feigned achievement. Go you!

Every time I run I think back to what got me into running and that was YOU. Over a year ago I lost 15kg and at the beginning you were my model. I figured if you could train for a 1/2 marathon then I could start to run. So I did, doing the C25K. And now I’m seriously thinking of marathon training.

So thank YOU! And go YOU!

I still have 5kg to go and yikes, I’ve had 5kg to go for about a year now. Those are damn hard kg to lose. Even harder when you’re not really trying. :P

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Lyn • January 8, 2010 at 11:07 am

I’m right there with you, dropping the regained pounds. I have a never ending headache too, but he is 6’3 and 285 pounds.

So happy to be on this journey with you and so many other cool blog people :)

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S • January 8, 2010 at 11:23 am

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!! You can sooo do this! And then you’ll have a great excuse to buy new jeans!! :)

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ariana • January 8, 2010 at 11:24 am

Thanks for sharing your set backs, just know it really makes you even more of an inspiration( and I don’t like saying cheesy things like that). The Beck Diet Solution is really helping me. Seems like that woman can read my mind…sabotaging thoughts anyone…haha

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Karen • January 8, 2010 at 11:27 am

I too lost about 50 pounds. I decided to take a break even though I needed to lose a lot more. Then I met Mrs Breast Cancer. With the depression and the chemo (surprise! – the steroids to keep me from getting nauseated spurred my slumbering appetite), I gained all the weight back. I have been wanting to get rid of the weight again, but . . ,

I will be following you closely seeking some additional motivation from you. Not fair I know – you don’t need a hanger on, but you did it before and will do it again. I want to go along with you this time.

Thanks for being an inspiration.

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Hot Mother • January 8, 2010 at 11:30 am

Now, listen up: failure is not what happens when you fall down; it’s what happens when you stop trying to get back up after you fall.

Of course you can do this again, and I’m just glad you’re letting us come along for the ride. :-)

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Jenni • January 8, 2010 at 11:34 am

That is a GREAT theme song for the year. I am sure it will help motivate you to your goal. And I love that you have incremental goals. I am going to try that.

Here’s hoping 2010 is better than 2009!

(oh and if I didn’t already own your book, I would buy it because of this post!)

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TOWR • January 8, 2010 at 11:36 am

I’m blaming el nino for my weight gain.

Congratulations on six months of self-employment!

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Krista • January 8, 2010 at 11:53 am

I am going through the “Beck Diet Solution” now as well. I have found it the most helpful book I ever read on overcoming overeating. I have about 40 lbs to lose, 20 of which I gained back in the last year simply from not paying attention to what I eat, not caring about what I eat, and eating my stress. The “Beck Diet Solution” has such excellent advice for dealing with these problems. One of my favourite things she says is that “skinny people have to work at portion control too” . Other excellent parts of the book are the excercises on overcoming fear of hunger. Get those resposnse cards ready, you will be successful.

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N.R. • January 8, 2010 at 12:19 pm

Thank you for being so honest about the ups and downs in your journey. Good luck in achieving your next goal!

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Stephanie • January 8, 2010 at 12:21 pm

:( I hope it wasn’t your favorite pair. I recently had that happen with my absolute favorite pair, but they were super old and fragile. I haven’t been able to bring myself to throw them out yet.

BODA weight loss

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schmei • January 8, 2010 at 12:39 pm

I know you can do it! And I’m excited to hear how it goes.

Also, I now have that song stuck in my head and will proceed dancing momentarily.

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Tracy • January 8, 2010 at 12:45 pm

long time lurker here – met you once or twice (We love Ira Glass!). I believe you when you say you’re going to do something! I’ve lost half of what I need to lose and have had no more sucess for 2 years. I’m starting back up with vigalance! Hey I’m always out walking the dog and have been taking longer and longer hikes. You would be suprised all the places near here to hike (especially with a handheld GPS). Please join us sometime!

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Jean • January 8, 2010 at 12:47 pm

I applaud your honesty & willingness to ‘put it out there’ where the whole freaking internet world can see it. I hope that in return for your openness, you will get a whole heck of a lot of support – more than you would if you kept it to yourself.

I had started on a weightloss journey, but fell off the wagon & am back to where I started. I could stand to lose 50# this year, too… Going to do a 10-day detox starting next Monday, and I’ll figure out where to go from there.

Looking forward to following you on your journey & reading your impressions of the book – it looks interesting.

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jenny • January 8, 2010 at 12:54 pm

I’m right there with you and I’ve come to the conclusion I’ll have to record everything I eat in sparkpeople, since thats the only way that I will lose weight. Good luck!

I think I need to exercise a bit more, I’ve been putting it off and I never used to do that so the exercise is the priority every day again as it should be.

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Aline • January 8, 2010 at 1:03 pm

It’s tough.

A few years ago I too lost around 80 pounds and then after a trans-atlantic move (that’s my excuse) gained possibly all of it back.

I spent last year trying every “eating plan” and diet out there. Losing and regaining the same 30 pounds over and over again, never getting anywhere.

I felt shitty, I felt under pressure. It just wasn’t working for me.

I am now trying my hand at intuitively eating combined with Michael Pollan’s philosophy “Eat food, not too much, mostly plants”. I try to make every meal at least 50% fruits or veggies and most of my meals plant based. I cut out a lot of processed foods and after a week I feel so much better. My whole body feels better.

Another rule from Pollan’s book I like is “Eat whatever you want – as long as you make it yourself” – since you won’t feel like making a cake every day, this is a great rule.

I don’t know if I have lost any weight yet since I banned the scale for the next few month but I already LOOK better.

I think in the end everybody has to find a way to LIVE a diet change. Every other plan I tried I felt really deprived. I love good food and I think bad food makes me depressed. I can’t live with making a cake with splenda and all bran instead of flour and sugar but I can live with just having a little bit of the cake.

I am not saying it is easy but we’ll see if it works for me.

Thanks for blogging your good times AND your bad times. Life is tough and I am glad you are being honest about it all!

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Benita • January 8, 2010 at 1:17 pm

My dear, you are human. It’s not failure, it’s merely a temporary set-back. Goodness knows the best of us have them all the time, so quit beating yourself up about it.

Just put a picture of yourself at your skinniest up in your office (or on your fridge) where you can see it all the time to help motivate you and get going. We love you and will be giving you all the encouragement we can as you take back your control and try to be Wonder Woman once again.

Personally, I think newbies would do better seeing you as honestly as you can be and know that if they slip up, they, too, can get back to it, just as you are.

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Annalisa • January 8, 2010 at 1:26 pm

I really appreciate your honesty. I put on 25 lbs over the last 4 months from having knee surgery (after losing 80). I feel very unmotivated, lazy, tired all the time, etc. I know how awesome I’ll feel once I get back to the gym and start eating right again but taking those first few steps and re-developing the routine sucks. I get winded now when I slowly walk my dog for 30 minutes but I used to run all the time – which adds to my lack of motivation.

With that— I’m getting my old life back this weekend. I’m heading back to my gym and I’ve concluded that it’s OK to not run or take a spin class immediately but I will be able to in a few weeks. I am getting comfortable with the idea of simply moving for 45 minutes. I might not eat clean like I used to immediately but over time, I’ll like vegetables again and stay away from pizza on a regular basis.

It is so hard to re-lose weight that I’ve mentally said goodbye to. However, it has to be done and I have to start somewhere.

I’m looking forward to reading your progress. Thanks again for sharing!

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Kelly • January 8, 2010 at 1:29 pm

As someone else who has gone up and down the scale, I commend you for rededicating yourself to being healthy. I’m also planning to lose 20 pounds as my first goal (well, 19 pounds if you want to get technical. 10% of my weight.) I’ve been inspired by you before and am looking forward to reading about your own journey again.

I get migraines periodically and every time I get one I think of you and wonder how I would cope if it never went away. You’re doing so great and even though you’ve gain some weight back, you’ve still managed to live and build a new career for yourself. Awesome!

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Tiffany • January 8, 2010 at 1:36 pm

Global Warming. Obviously.

I’m fighting my own battles/demons in the same vein. And struggling. It sucks. I finally had to see my doctor yesterday. I hate opening that door.

At least know you’re not alone!

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Mindy • January 8, 2010 at 1:41 pm

I have every confidence in the world that you will do this. I’m cheering for you all the way!

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Ardenmare • January 8, 2010 at 1:46 pm

One of my favorite sayings is “you don’t drown by falling in the water, you drown by staying there.” The shore isn’t all that far away this time!!! Rock on, PastaQueen.

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AndrewE • January 8, 2010 at 2:16 pm

Putting it on your blog is the honest and best thing to do I reckon. Nothing like a bit of public accountability!

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The Chubby Girl Diaries • January 8, 2010 at 2:32 pm

You will be celebrating again soon! I know that you can beat this. What you are going through is a temporary moment in your life.

You can lose the weight you gained back and celebrate once again! One more time! As the song goes. Great song choice by the way.

I know you can do it!

~Kellie

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Dee • January 8, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Very cool, I applaud you. I’m glad you decided to share this because “regainings” can be a part of the picture for anyone who has lost weight, but the trick is, instead of being devastated and giving up, being persistent about it, like you are demonstrating now. This persistence is part of the healthy weight story.

And of course never forgetting to be proud of how far you’ve come!

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Kelly • January 8, 2010 at 2:43 pm

I just picked up that very same book from the library yesterday. I am having WLS on Jan 19th, and I am determined to do everything I can to make it work for me.

As far as worrying about people coming here and thinking you are a failure due to regain…you didn’t point out that you still have a net loss of what, 142 lbs? I’d hardly call that a failure. Best of luck getting back on track!

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she overflows • January 8, 2010 at 2:52 pm

I’m excited to see how you do with this, PQ! I’m in a sort of similar situation, without the added factor of a published memoir :)

Okay, not sure why I keep getting an HTTP error while trying to post my comment. If this has something to do with the moderation of comments, sorry that I submitted my previous message a billion times!

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blue • January 8, 2010 at 3:01 pm

are those just my size brand jeans? i had a pair of those that did the exact same thing in that exact same spot!!!

unfortunately, mine was at work. and seen by a supervisor before i made it back to my desk who proceeded to come over and do a whole humiliating dress code lecture as if i would intentionally wear pants with the rear wide open in the winter when i’m not a 18 year old fashionable skinny thing trying a new fad.

i think its actually a weakness in the type of fabric. if you have any others of that brand, grab ahold of the back waistband, hold the rear towards the light, and look through the fabric from the inside and you can see little weak lines where the fabric has issues.

i still have like 3 pairs of them… that i’m not throwing out cuz they are comfortable. but i wear them cautiously. lol

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Jen @ The Short Years • January 8, 2010 at 3:21 pm

Hmmm…I was seriously contemplating making a batch of cookie dough and eating it this afternoon. I had a lot of excuses–I don’t feel good! My husband is out of town and I have to deal with the kids by myself and I’m stressed out! I’ve been really good about my eating and working out this week and now it’s Friday!

But deep down I know that those are just pathetic excuses for wanting to eat junk that I don’t need and isn’t good for me and will do nothing for my weight loss goals.

I lost weight before and then gained back half of it. Now I too am on the bandwagon again. This post was a big encouragement to me. I think just making the decision to do it, to take control of your actions, is half the battle. Good luck.

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Quix • January 8, 2010 at 3:23 pm

I love that song, my hubby and I will get up and bop around to it whenever we hear it. Good choice!

And I wish you all the luck and success in the world. Losing 20 is much less daunting than losing half of you, right? :)

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Rahim • January 8, 2010 at 3:28 pm

It wasn’t you, it was the pants. By the way, I’m glad you’re writing again. You didn’t post the day after the “Big D” post and it kind of worried me.

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stacey • January 8, 2010 at 3:49 pm

This made me remember something you wrote before about your weight loss, that you lost 200 pounds through diet and exercise and that even if you gain it all back nothing can take that achievement away from you (I paraphrase, of course). You did somthing amazing!

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Julia • January 8, 2010 at 4:09 pm

I am a new reader, started sometime at the end of December. I just wanted to say that your post was encouraging because you are clearly not letting these distractions get in your way of getting healthier and setting goals. I find your blog very encouraging and look forward to getting your book!

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Kat • January 8, 2010 at 4:33 pm

The part I can relate with most in this post is the split jeans.

I’ve decided to dissect the split of your jeans and analyze it:

Look at the clean cut, an ass explosion would have to make a not so clean cut. My conclusion is that it’s cheap denim and nothing to do with weight gain! :)

You’re a star! And awsome. But like me, you buy cheap jeans.

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Alison • January 8, 2010 at 4:55 pm

OMG! That totally happened to me! (The pants splitting!) And I was thin! (Well, thin to me – 160 lbs). It was the summer after my sophomore year of college, and I worked part time at Wendy’s. We had to wear navy blue pants as part of our uniform, so I went to Goodwill and bought a few pairs. Well, one night, I squatted down to clean something underneath the salad bar, and the pants ripped right up the seam!! Seriously, from nearly my crotch up the back to the waistband! My mom said she thought the pants might have been really old and the thread had weakened over time. THANK GOODNESS the female shift manager was on that night, and she gave me some safety pins. It was funny actually.

Me: Um, do you have safety pins? Manager: Yes – here’s one. Me: Uh, I think I need about 15. Do you have that many?

Thankfully, she did, AND I turned my apron around for the rest of the evening.

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la • January 8, 2010 at 5:09 pm

I recently gained 10 of the 50 pounds I lost last year. Instead of beating myself up about it like I would have in the past, I’m encouraging myself to again pay close attention to what I’m eating (I’m still exercising). I’ve lost two pounds so far. It starts with the first two.

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Jill • January 8, 2010 at 5:13 pm

Go! Go! Go PQ !!!!

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Deb • January 8, 2010 at 5:14 pm

Good for you stopping the gain before it all came back. Good luck with Beck and with your endeavor in general.

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Melina • January 8, 2010 at 5:29 pm

I’m on my second week of using my new elliptical machine daily, and eating well. It’s 100% because of motivation I got from your blog. I’ve been reading for several weeks now.

I know this sounds ridiculous, since we’ve never met, but I felt worried last night, after reading about your depression. It just seemed so unfair for you to go through this, after all your efforts. It made me happy today to see you dusting yourself off and giving it another go. Not because of your weight, which is entirely your business, but because I’m glad to see you’re still full of spunk! You’re not letting the pain and depression beat you down. Full steam ahead!

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sian-girlgetstrong • January 8, 2010 at 6:08 pm

I have been lurking on your site for many months now…but your story is so touching…I think most of us can relate to at least on aspect of your life…don’t give up…2010 here we all come!

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Denise • January 8, 2010 at 6:46 pm

It seems that losing weight is the easy part, its the keeping if off that is the hardest. I’ve never had to “maintain” my weight – I’m either gaining or losing. This time around, I want to maintain and keep it off. May we both learn maintenance in 2010.

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Lisa • January 8, 2010 at 7:35 pm

I’ve been up and down the same 30 pounds for the past, hrm, 15 years.

The key is to recognize when you hit your OKAY NO WAY point and deal with it– which it sounds like you’re doing.

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Samantha • January 8, 2010 at 7:53 pm

Regaining weight is a demoralizing experience no doubt about it. I alway try to remember where I started and where I am now when I start to beat myself up. I started at over 315 lbs. When I weighed my self this morning I was 232 lbs. Was this 3 lbs more than before the holidays? yes, is this direction I want to go…clearly not. Oh well, time to move on and in the direction I want which is back to where I was at one point which was 188 lbs( at 5’9 my goal was 165 which I never reached but oh well!). I remind myself that though I may have regained some weight I have still maintained a roughly 85 lb weight loss, which is no small feat. Was I happier when it was 125 lbs of course! I was there once and with hard work and perserverance I know I can get there again, and so willl you.

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G.G. • January 8, 2010 at 8:11 pm

You did it before–you can do it again. And we’ll be reading (without the silent judment–promise).

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Deanna - The Unnatural Mother • January 8, 2010 at 8:30 pm

So excitied for you – because you will KICK ass and take names! I’ve been following you since 2005 I believe, and from what I gather, you’re a fighter, a funny freaking web blog writer weight loss success story, author, half marathoner kick ass fighter! You so got this.

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wendy • January 8, 2010 at 8:39 pm

love you

love your strength

love your keep trying attitude.

i am also determind to get weight off….i wish it was only 50lbs. but either your 50 my 150plus are equally hard and best of luck and love to the best of us!

fyi ….check out the work book for beck diet. i bought it as well and pulled the cover off and had it spiral bound…just in case i need to start over at some point:)

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Karen • January 8, 2010 at 9:47 pm

Well actually what you did, as I recall, was say that managing your headache had to take precedence, I”m sure I read that here more than once. Now that it’s under better control you can take charge of this again. I bet your advice to someone would be to take care of the pain management first, then move toward weight management, you do after all have to be kind to yourself.

And I too am right there with you, I have in the past lost 65 pounds. Right now I’d like to lose 20 or so. I say or so because I’m old now (this is a big round number birthday year and it ain’t 30 ) it’s much harder to do than when I lost it after having my second son (who is off to college next fall).

Good for you for being kind to yourself when you needed it, and stepping up again now that you are able. We can only handle just so much. And you’ve handled everything so well, and let us come along for the ride, for which I am always a grateful reader.

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cmbnurse • January 8, 2010 at 9:59 pm

I totally agree with sian-girlgetstrong!

DOn’t give up… you can do it!!!

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Kyle • January 8, 2010 at 10:12 pm

I am really sorry you have to go through the weight loss struggle again. Even if you’ve done it before, I know it’s hard.

However, I am sort of (un)secretly happy that right now while I am trying to lose the 10 pounds I gained this year after the accident that I will be able to read along of someone who knows the trials and tribulations of it all.

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ckn • January 8, 2010 at 11:17 pm

Hey PQ,

I’ve been reading your blog for, jeez, two years now? You are a fantastic writer and your ability to be honest yet not self-deprecating is just brilliant. I’ve followed you for such a long time and this is my first time commenting, because I’m excited about you not having your headache and returning to your ueber-sensational weight obliterating self.

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Lesley • January 9, 2010 at 4:51 am

Good on ya! It’ll help with the Big D and Beck is an excellent programme. I still follow a good lot of it even though I didn’t finish the book and ended up doing something a little different. But the messages were brilliant and when I was following it I had no trouble losing weight and also adjusting my behaviour.

You do end up carrying around a load of cards and notebooks though – get yourself organised early. But you’re naturally organised so it’ll be no trouble to you!!

Well done for making that resolution. I’m sure you’ll stick to it!

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fd • January 9, 2010 at 5:44 am

well done!! you’re so going to do this! you have the best track record of anyone i’ve ever read/met in terms of goal setting, planning and success. things are different now than they were before, but you can so do this despite that. wooo wooo.

they’re always playing that daft punk song at my gym. i never really thought about the lyrics before. now i’ll have a big smile on my face when i’m on the elliptical and it comes on. and not for the first time, the others at the gym will look at me like i’m a loon. GO YOU! One more time!

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melissa • January 9, 2010 at 7:17 am

you rock.

you are not alone.

you inspire me and humble me.

you have achieved more than many ever will, and this is merely a tiny speedbump in the road of life.

ten pounds more, ten pounds less you are still the most kick ass person i will probably never get to meet!

one step at a time, get back to where you were, or not. you still rock.

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Jeslynb • January 9, 2010 at 9:26 am

I also struggle with compulsive eating, and mine stemmed initially from a painful medical condition like yours. I can’t speak to what will work for others, but my own compulsive overeating is linked entirely with sugar and refined carbs. When I avoid those entirely, it is much easier to stop the compulsion, and when I do eat them, it’s much more difficult.

While this is true for many people – after all, who can eat one Oreo? – for me the effect seems to be magnified and the cravings really feel out of control once I begin to munch.

The only way I have been able to lose is by following ye olde low carb diet, which for me is something like South Beach phase 1.5.

I know you are already familiar with SB. I just wanted to share the fact that I was not able to follow phase 3 of that diet without the above-mentioned problems.

I have the Beck Diet Solution as well – bought it last week. I’ll follow along with you here…

-J

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Melina • January 9, 2010 at 9:39 am

Just wanted to add to my earlier post…

Sorry if this has been mentioned (so many comments to read!) but you mentioned in another post that you’ve been on some medication for depression. My sister and I both experienced a large weight gain when on anti-depressants – around 40 pounds – not at all uncommon. My sister found the weight just came off when she got off the meds. I’m still on the meds and still dealing with the weight. The meds affect your metabolism in some unknown way.

So it may not all be the ice cream!

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Alecia • January 9, 2010 at 2:25 pm

This entry is just another reason PQ is a tough badass! Being able to come here and open yourself to any of the ridicule or judgment you may receive and any embarrassment you may feel is truly badass. You are putting it all out there and that is so courageous. It does get old to hear yourself using an old fall back excuse instead of trying to figure out what is really up.

A few years ago on a 3rd date I split my pants while walking up the stairs to my apartment right in front of the guy. Humiliating!

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Rina • January 9, 2010 at 5:28 pm

You are SO going to do this. No doubt. Life messed you up, but you can get back to where you want to be. Sort of like that quote – something like courage is not the lack of fear, but being afraid and doing it anyway. So too – reaching your goals despite obstacles and crazy things is what makes you cool. You rock. We’re rooting for you. You’re going to do this.

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Kate • January 9, 2010 at 6:42 pm

PQ-

I loved your book because it was so honest (and funny as hell). I love that you are so real–so human–so flawed like the rest of us.

Good luck dear PQ–I am right there with you having gained back 75 lbs after a 130 lb loss…..I am now on Metabolism Miracle and it seems to be working for me….

You have someone here in cold, snowy northern Maine rooting for you and me and all of us.

Feel and be well PQ

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Sancho • January 9, 2010 at 9:51 pm

Like other people have said, the important thing is that you now know you CAN do this, because you’ve already done it previously. That doubt isn’t on the table anymore. Just go back to the fundamentals that helped you before.

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NeutralMonkey • January 10, 2010 at 4:56 am

That mindset thing was always my problem too; I know just what to do, but caring about it is exhausting. Good luck! You’ve already done something amazing with your initial loss.

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Kimberley • January 10, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Congratulations on catching it at 50 pounds!

Love the honesty of your post. You know you can do this and before you know it you will be back where you feel comfortable.

I wish you much success!!!

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gknee • January 10, 2010 at 6:06 pm

if it is any consolation to u @ all- I split a cute pair of jean shorts (I know that is an oxymoron) the same way, same spot. I think that stretch denim is vulnerable in the pocket area. The irony is that I was at my “small” weight when I split ‘em.

I am definitely in your club with the weight gain over the past couple of years after a big loss. It really is baffling– not how the weight packs on (its the food, stupid!)– but where the motivation/magic switch goes. When it is easy, it is soooo easy and when it is hard- arrgghhh!

best wishes. I’m cheering for u!

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Sarah • January 10, 2010 at 9:28 pm

Thank you! This is exactly where I am too. I appreciate your honestly and NOW I plan to reread your book as more inspiration. I split pants too…at work though. You’re lucky.

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Rebecca • January 11, 2010 at 4:07 am

Hey Jennette! I started reading your blog last summer when I was trying to lose weight and I found it pretty encouraging. I lost 20 lbs since then and now I am trying to get back on track with losing weight after not trying at all (and gaining some weight back). I stopped reading your blog and only this past week did I learn about Judith Beck. I am actually going to start her diet soon. I was looking for some encouragement when I remembered your blog and thought I would look it up again and see what you were up too… and lo and behold! Like fate it turns out you are going to do it too! I am really looking forward to reading your blog as I also work to lose weight. I have about 50 lbs to lose too. I have been overweight my whole life (obese actually, I started gaining major weight at the age of 9) and have struggled ever since. I have lost about 30 lbs nearly three times in the past 5 years and so I definitely looking to this Beck Diet Solution thing to be the last attempt. I am finally realizing that it is not so much that I don’t know how to lose weight, but how I think about it, that prevents me from keeping it off. Anyway, I am going to stop blabbing. Just wanted to say I really appreciate your humor and your blog and I wish you much luck in your endeavor. You deserve to permanently lose weight. I know you can do it.

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RumpledTiredMama • January 11, 2010 at 5:36 am

Im here to lend a hand if you want one.

seriously.

email me…life, for me, is about doing unto others and SO MANY have done unto me as of late.

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DebraSY • January 11, 2010 at 9:38 am

Hey, girl. New here. I’m a maintainer. Card carrying NWCR registrant (but, of course, I had to create my own card). Six and a half years, 60 pounds.

Don’t know whether you want to hear from me or not. I’m not currently bummin’. Sometimes, when one is bummin’, chipper people can bring on the barf reaction.

I don’t know about this Dr. Beck. I am unfamiliar with her work. Went to the site and read the first three pages — it looks like standard diet book fare to me, but who knows. If it works for you, great!

I do, however, have thoughts on psychological issues (such as depression) and weight issues. I think those experts who insist we get a handle on our other issues are doing us a disservice. They aren’t mean spirited. I think Dr. Phil’s heart was in the right place and he really thought he was going to change the shape of the country, and all its inhabitants, when he launched his “Ultimate Solution,” which would have had us all asking ourselves deep questions about how our weight was “working for us.” But I think it’s dangerous to tie problems together.

Our issues can be like weights we drag through life. You tie your weight maintenance (a 150 pound anvil) to, say, past abuse (another 150 pound anvil), for example, and suddenly you’re dragging 300 pounds, which is a lot more difficult than dragging two anvils separately, one at a time. Even after you think you’ve got the abuse issue under control, the abuser re-enters your life and does something bone-headed and “poof” you’re in psychological turmoil, and if you’ve tied that problem to your weight maintenance, then both of them go down the crapper. You’re suddenly eating to assuage your anger or some such. Ack!

I think it is wise to do a “problemectomy.” Take a scalpel and separate your depression from your weight management. Your weight management is a scientific experiment with mathematical elements and social challenges. It is a third- to half-time job that requires X amount of exercise and Y food choices. You’re going to execute it every day regardless of whether your depression is trying to get the better of you. Then deal with your depression separately.

Interestingly, when you’re doing well with your weight management, it may (or may not) help your depression, but promise yourself that you won’t let your depression affect your weight management. If you’re having depression issues, call the doctor and get an appointment for a medication tweak, or some such. And CONTINUE executing the weight management, regardless.

Like I said, I like to think of weight management as a job — there are things in my work-a-day job that I, from time to time, don’t like to do, but I do them anyway. And I try to keep my job problems separate from the other issues of my life. When I’m doing well at my job, it may make my personal life better (or not), but when my personal life is going through challenges, I refuse to let it affect my job. As a result, I’m happier at work, and happier on balance over all.

Thoughts for the day.

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bobsfirstwife • January 11, 2010 at 10:30 am

I just started reading “Angry Fat Girls” by Frances Kuffel. I really enjoyed her first book “Passing for Thin” where she told the tale of losing 188 pounds. “Angry Fat Girls” is about 5 women (including Kuffel) who experienced relapse….sound familiar? We should all start a club.

I’m only on chapter 2, but so much of it reminded me of your post.

Reading about someone else’s struggles while I’m going through the exact same thing makes be feel not so alone (not such a failure, not so ashamed).

That’s what your book did for me while I was trying to lose weight and train for the Mini Marathon. Your blog also provides the same support daily.

…maybe you just need material for a second book?

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FitFunk • January 11, 2010 at 10:31 am

I feel ya! And newcomers visiting on a resolution high should see your post as a gift. This weight-loss thing is not as simple as Before & After. You’re a real person who has to live in that After, with real problems and issues…and Food/Weight cannot always dominate the #1 spot of your To Do list

I have this quote I think I got from one of your commenters a while back: “Maintenance is gaining & losing the same few pounds over and over again into infinity”

Are you still running? Having just recently finished your archives, I know that was one of your main cardio activities while you were losing and if you don’t hate it, it’s a good endorphin release. (I’m just getting back into it and it’s a bit frustrating to have memories of longer distances run in the past etc, but trying to just focus on Doing It and getting better/faster/fitter in the process…that’s the goal anyway)

Be well!

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Diane • January 11, 2010 at 3:19 pm

You’ll lose the weight again, I’m sure. And your honesty is really appreciated. I think for many of us, knowing we are not the only ones who go through the ups and downs is incredibly important. It’s nice to know we are not alone. I’ve lost 60, 20 to go. I’ve been a holding pattern for months now, and the holidays did a number on my good eating habits. I didn’t think it was possible to get back to this point of wanting food more than feeling good, but there it is. I’ve stuck with the exercise part, which has helped me to maintain. And next week I’m headed back to weight watchers to make sure I keep moving in the right direction.

We all fight this battle. Thanks for sharing yours! I’m always inspired by your blog.

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Rebecca • January 11, 2010 at 8:44 pm

Holy Cow! You are one determined individual. It never ceases to amaze me what people will push through in their lives. You’ve come through an awful lot…more crap than a lot of people will ever deal with in their entire lives…and yet you still somehow find the courage and the time and the patience to write on this blog and be a potential inspiration to many others all over the world. I have a friend who has had a chronic headache for the past six years and I just look at her and look at you and am blown away at how you both refuse to let the headache dictate your lives! Sure, every now and again it knocks you down but you come back swinging and keep on going. Amazing!

I wish you the best of luck with your 2010 endeavours. I will be working along with you to lose my own extra pounds : )

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Lirpa • January 12, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Thank you for the honesty. Been there, done that myself (lost a whole bunch of weight, gained it back, and so on.) Lately, podcasts have been helping me on the motivation side. i like inside out weight loss podcast, as well as the overeaters anonymous one. also, i’m using the sparkpeople website, which is free, which works with my budget really well right now. Good luck. You know you can do this. Best wishes for a happy, healthy, and successful 2010. p.s. oh, and when i’m home, while listening to podcasts, i have been cross stitching. impossible for me to snack while cross stitching!

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Lydia • January 12, 2010 at 11:19 pm

You’ll do it — you’re making good sense and you’re doing the right way.

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Beth • January 13, 2010 at 8:17 pm

Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been reading your blog for over a year now, but never commented before. I think there are so many people out there who struggle with these issues, and knowing we’re not alone makes us much stronger.

Good luck and keep up the good work!

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Amanda Daybyday • January 15, 2010 at 6:31 pm

Here I am, commenting a week later, but I’m glad you’re blogging about this. I’ve considered doing this a couple times and as a gal who’s lost 100 pounds and then gained 25 back and struggling to find the motivation to lose it again I clearly need to do a little something more. I’ll be watching to see how it goes and possibly following your example.

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the fat nutritionist • January 25, 2010 at 10:49 pm

I think it’s good of you to be so open about it. I have checked in on your site occasionally over the last few years. Last time was when The Headache started, and I thought, “Ouch. That sucks.” This time, I wish you best of luck.

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Gina • February 1, 2010 at 8:58 am

I am a newbie. Almost finished reading your book and enjoying it very much. Finally found the time to check out your site today. Reading just now that you re-gained some weight didn’t make you seem like anything but….human!

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Comments are now closed on all PastaQueen entries. The blog is an archive only so I don't have to deal with spammers. For fresh discussions please visit my new blog JenFul.

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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