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Tales of horror from the nature trail

Yesterday morning I ran on the trail for 45 minutes. Forty-four minutes of this time was spent thinking, “Yippee! After today and Saturday, I will never have to run 45 minutes again! Except for that half-marathon thingy, of course, which is two and a half hours long, not 45 minutes, so it doesn’t technically count.”

The other minute of this time was spent thinking, “Holy crap, I just swallowed a bug.”

As I began singing that old kid’s song about a lady who swallowed a fly, I wondered if this meant I would now have to eat a spider to catch the fly, and then a bird to catch the spider, and then a cat and a dog and a goat. I don’t even know where to find a goat in Indiana. And dear Lord, how badly would all this eating wreck my diet?

Luckily, I hadn’t actually swallowed the bug, just caught it in my teeth as I was plodding down the trail panting with my mouth open, so I spit it out into my hand. It was green. I sighed (panted?) in relief as I realized it wasn’t a bug, just a teeny, tiny leaf like one of several scattered on the trail. No bug-eating for me. I’ll get my protein elsewhere.

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22 Comments

debby • April 25, 2008 at 7:46 am

Very funny, Pastaqueen! Unfortunately, I have swallowed many bugs on my walks. we have these little flies that actually WANT to fly into your mouth, and are quite insistent!

I have gotten your book, and am really enjoying it! Congratulations on being published at 27 years old!!!

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~liz • April 25, 2008 at 8:23 am

You are toooooo funny

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Benita • April 25, 2008 at 9:10 am

If it caught in your teeth, then you must have been smiling as you ran that 45 minutes, right?

Congrats on the nice payoff you are getting from all your hard work over the past few years.

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Donna B • April 25, 2008 at 9:13 am

Know how you feel about “almost” eating the bug. I was drinking my coffee on the way to work the other week and got some “solids” at teh bottom of the mug. What I thought was coffee grounds, as I spit it out I realized it was the big fly that I was trying to catch the night before! Guess it likes the Splenda I put in my coffee, and perched in my mug before I put the top on. Lesson learned; never leave you mug unattended for even a minute!

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Happy • April 25, 2008 at 9:26 am

I’ve only knowingly eaten a bug once. I had a silkworm pupae when I visited S. Korea. I’m sure it was low-cal, but … ICK.

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swizzlepop • April 25, 2008 at 9:31 am

Okay that totally freaked me out first thing as I’m drinking my coffee. Glad it was just a leaf! I think they should invent some type of running mouth guard to prevent these types of incidents. LOL

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Amy • April 25, 2008 at 11:32 am

When we sang that song I don’t think there was a goat in it, but there was a horse. And I just saw an email the other day about a couple of local goats needing rescue… I’d like to have a goat someday to mow the lawn.

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Laura • April 25, 2008 at 12:51 pm

Oh too funny. Running at dusk in the spring/summer brings a whole new level of yuck, when you have to pluck bugs from your mouth and eyes and skin.

I got to read a few chapters of your book last night. It’s really good stuff, Jennette. Man, you poured your heart out in those early chapters. I can’t wait to read more. Needless to say, I’ll be reviewing it on my blog and will also review it on Amazon.

Hope you have a great weekend.

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Red • April 25, 2008 at 1:25 pm

That song is going on my list of “songs I didn’t realize where disturbing when I was young.”

Man, kids will sing anything with a sing-songy voice.

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JEM • April 25, 2008 at 2:50 pm

HA! So funny! I hate hate hate bugs and would be horrified if I thought I ate one, I once got in a car accident because of a bug in my car. Yikes!

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Cindy • April 25, 2008 at 8:36 pm

Do you have “black fly” season in Indiana? You can’t be outside for long at this time of year in New England without swallowing a black fly or two. But it still beats staying inside, by a long shot!

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Jen • April 25, 2008 at 8:52 pm

Haha, Not quite as funny as licking the cat food sppon but funny enough. I did that riding a bike when I was a kid except i did swallow it. ack

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Zombie Mom • April 25, 2008 at 8:59 pm

I love to run the trails… but don’t love the bug swallowing issue. Its the season too, at least at dusk, to swallow the no-see-um’s. Funny to say that I love to run trails… and I do. I started out running them to train for my first half marathon in February (the most fun ever- well, next to losing seventy pounds and adopting kids) – anyway, by the time I ramped up to those longer runs I started to like my littler runs.

Now I run for fun. Its alien to realize I would rather run up to the trailhead, run the trail and head home more than I want to eat an apple fritter with cream filled coffee…

Truly, extraordinary.

PS. Worse than swallowing a bug- finding a tick on your rib cage.. shudder, shudder, shudder…. cringe

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Christy • April 25, 2008 at 10:44 pm

Eeew! Oh well…extra protein, right?

Anyway, I’ve never commented before, but I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your book. It was totally different than I was expecting…I really liked that it was almost like a collection of essays rather than a “story”. You’re a smart one, aren’t you?

Congratulations on being published, and for writing such an intelligent, funny book. And by the way…I can no longer feed my cat in the absentminded way I used to, because I’m afraid that I’m going to end up sharing his dinner with him.

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Carlton • April 26, 2008 at 7:33 am

You are so funny. Congratulations on your running and on your achievements so far.

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MizFit • April 26, 2008 at 7:35 am

ick

but it would be cheap protein at that, huH?

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katrina • April 26, 2008 at 10:17 am

way to go!

Got the book yesterday — I’m loving it!

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K • April 26, 2008 at 5:06 pm

Ha. When it comes to eating insects by accident, running is not quite so risky as cycling. I bike home along a lovely leafy trail now that it’s light enough, and have accidentally ingested several little flying things. And I’m a vegetarian.

I’ve also had one or two go into my eye, which is no joke when you’re speeding along and don’t dare take your hands off the handlebars!

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MomWeightLoss • April 26, 2008 at 6:43 pm

Oooh, I can’t wait to hear about Saturday’s run!!

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Deborah • April 27, 2008 at 9:56 am

So glad you didn’t have to swallow a goat. I hear the hooves are a little hard on the digestive system.

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Brittany • April 27, 2008 at 10:42 am

Hey, it’s Brittany from high school! Actually, I just randomly found out that the people down the street from me have a billy goat . . .and I’m in Indiana. You know, if you decide you need one! Hahaha, see you in November at the reunion!

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MizAngie • April 27, 2008 at 11:41 am

Got the book!! Can’t wait to start reading it but first I have to get some snacks. Ha!!

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Comments are now closed on all PastaQueen entries. The blog is an archive only so I don't have to deal with spammers. For fresh discussions please visit my new blog JenFul.

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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