Just found your blog and am loving it!

Alecia

Amen, sister. Amen.

I am about to give away a black blazer that fit me about 20 lbs ago – because I noticed yesterday it makes me look fat! No, not really, but it makes me look like I did about 20 lbs ago. This gave me a little moment of joy – I’ve been dropping a pants size a month, but this is the first time I noticed anything for my upper half was too big. Vanity? Maybe. But it pleased me. I’m also pleased that my knees don’t hurt and I have more energy.

And Cindy, if you ever want to try out makeup for a night with no commitment, I recommend the Clinique counter (when they aren’t super-busy). A good Clinique worker is always able to help me pick out makeup, and you can even get your whole faced made up for a night out while you debate whether to buy the related makeup. Having makeup on for major events or times photos will be taken can be a major bonus, because your features stand out in the photos.

I wouldn’t call myself particularly vain (I have little patience with beauty rituals more complicated than “wash face, plait hair”) but I started losing weight so I would look better in my wedding dress. Later on, other things became a lot more important – I have got much more pleasure, over the years since, from being able to run around without being breathless – but that was what got me started and I’m not knocking it.

You’re absolutely right, too, that Not Being Pretty is not the worst thing that could happen to you. It’s not as though it’s an indicator of inner worth. Or even a predictor of romantic success, necessarily.

I don’t know if you saw this at the time? It’s one of my favourite pieces on this issue.

PQ – I did read that Dress a Day entry! It’s stuck with me ever since and at least partially inspired my entry.

I have lost about 70 pounds so far and it’s a huge difference in my life style. I am 270 pounds now but am very active, so I am assuming (and hoping) that some of my weight is muscle (also because I am actually small enough to shop at GAP and Old Navy (and not online) which is pretty awesome.

The biggest difference is not living in fear anymore. I was afraid of so many things. When going out (and I went out a lot, even though I was constantly was afraid of the hurdles that would come my way because of my weight. Would I fit in the chair? Would the bouncers let me in? Will I get up that bar stool?)

And not only that, it influenced so many parts of my life.

I did always feel pretty though. People told me I am pretty all the time (even without the “but you could be so much prettier if you lost weight”), so that wasn’t so difficult for me.

However, now that I am thinner, I still do feel much prettier than before. I love that I can wear dresses and I love that I can show part of my upper arm (even though I am still not comfortable showing my whole upper arm). When I see pictures of my old self I do not think I was pretty. I think I was fat. My face was round like an apple, now my face has a shape and I have *gasp* cheek bones and clavicles!

Now that I feel so much prettier and sexier, I wonder if I ever was that pretty. I think a lot of people compliment people who they notice have low self esteem and I sure as hell had really low self-esteem. And I am also starting to realise that I probably am not as sexy and pretty as I feel now. I also realised that maybe not everyone finds it as hot as my boyfriend that I am wearing tight clothes most of the time (to show off my new but still bumpy body).

I have some seriously gorgeous, skinny, supermodel lookalike friends and always just wanted to get as much attention as they do (which is stupid because I am engaged to a wonderful man but if you have been attention deprived all your life you really crave it).

So, now that I am at a weight that is still considered (just) morbidly obese (which I find ridiculous – I can work out double as long and hard as most of the people in my gym) I feel very healthy and not like I am seriously impaired by my weight but I want to lose the rest for vanity reasons. Because it feels pretty awesome to be desired.