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Through my what?!

When I had my gallbladder removed three and a half years ago, no one asked me, “So, would you like us to suck that out of your vagina?” And thank goodness they didn’t, because I probably would have fainted right there in the doctor’s office and who knows what they would have stuffed up my orifices to revive me?

At the end of March, doctors removed a 66-year-old woman’s gallbladder via her vagina. The procedure avoids abdominal scarring and is supposed to be “less invasive,” though I don’t know what could be more invasive than sticking something up there. It’s part of a developing surgical technique called “natural orifice surgery.” They’ve also been able to remove a man’s appendix via his mouth. Take a minute to visualize that and tell me when you get back from vomiting in the restroom. You back? Okay. It reminds me of the old Egyptian mummification process where they’d remove a corpse’s brains through its nose, only now we can do it on living people without making them candidates for mummification.

Natural orifice surgery is supposed to cause less pain, but it seems unnecessary to me in regards to gallbladder surgery. I was able to walk out of the hospital the afternoon of my laparoscopic procedure done via a camera and several small cuts to my belly. I healed very quickly and the pain at its worst was only as bad as menstrual cramps. I still have four little scars on my abdomen, but they have faded nicely in the past years and they blend in among all the faded stretch marks, or as I call them my “fat scars.” Some people pierce their bodies or get tattoos, but I have a fascinating arrangement of abstract scar art on my belly. It’s kind of pretty, actually, if you view it without judgment or pre-conceived notions of beauty. But, if you’re not into that, I suppose I can understand why you’d opt for sticking a camera up your hoo-ha, which is sentence I thought I’d never type.

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18 Comments

G.G. • May 2, 2007 at 1:04 pm

This one time, at band camp . . . .

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Allison • May 2, 2007 at 1:05 pm

t reminds me of the old Egyptian mummification process where they’d remove a corpse’s brains through its nose, only now we can do it on living people without making them candidates for mummification.

I read a similar article, but it started with the case of a boy whose brain tumor they removed through his nose. When I read it I totally figured we were returning to ancient times and that someone should build me a pyramid.

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Moderndayhermit • May 2, 2007 at 1:14 pm

Hmm, that would be interesting…I can’t say I’d opt for that and I had the “big” surgery. They were going to go via the laparoscopic method but it was so bad they had to go in immediately by cutting my side open. So, I have the small 4 scars and the big gash – hooray! haha

Anywho, I’m not sure I’d want some surgeon other then my OB-GYN rooting around in my vagina, less painful or not.

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Kimberly • May 2, 2007 at 1:55 pm

The only large objects ever coming out of my hoo-ha are my babies. And if you’d ever heard me in labour, you’d know even that was under protest. =P

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K • May 2, 2007 at 3:07 pm

Well… to be honest, being cut into sounds equally unpleasant to me however they do it. But then I have a phobia about such things (I won’t even get my ears pierced. Yes, I know it doesn’t hurt.)

But frankly, having any kind of surgical procedure involving your downthere doesn’t sound good. I wonder if this method is considered equally beneficial for women who are not postmenopausal, though? I’d have thought it could lead to undesirable complications…

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Chris H • May 2, 2007 at 3:29 pm

STUFF THAT ! Give me my little scars any day.. had my gallbladder out too. I’m having a doctor dive up me hoo haa today, I can think of nothing worse! The mind boggles what they will think of next.

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Lose Weight With Me • May 2, 2007 at 5:14 pm

If I had the choice to have something removed out of my butt or a regular surgery, I’m afraid I’d choose the scar.

:-)

Brian

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Marla • May 2, 2007 at 5:40 pm

I say scars are cool – they make you look mysterious and dashing. Seriously, tiny incision scars are not a big deal; it surprises me that there would be a call for surgery that avoids them. I want whatever is the BEST way to operate, not the way that’s most cosmetic. Well, within reason, of course. And I TOTALLY want my brain sucked out of my butt. That’s Egyptian, right?

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honi • May 2, 2007 at 7:04 pm

they are gonna take what through my who??? I don’t think so.. I would rather have my scars from the laproscopic surgery as well.. 3 one above my belly button.. 1 inside my belly button and 1 on my side.. .. hmmm I don’t think I want things comming out of there.. that technically are not suppose to .. uhmm no way… shivers…

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Sara • May 2, 2007 at 7:10 pm

okay, I’ve been reading this blog for a while and have never felt the urge to comment until now. My hoo-ha is a very touchy subject (pun intended). Honestly I would rather let it be sucked out of there than be sliced… I guess that way I could say it “fell out” , assuming the operating table is tilted at a slight angle. I think that if my gallbladder ever decided to leave me it would fall out my “yow”. Of course if my gallbladder did “decide” to leave it wouln’t surprise me if it burst out of my abdomin like some enraged phyco alien, that is if it ever got wind other gallbladers have made a run for it and been sucsessfull.

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Helen • May 2, 2007 at 10:27 pm

You make me laugh. Thank you. :-)

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Jen • May 3, 2007 at 10:19 am

ACK!

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Caroline • May 3, 2007 at 10:27 am

Thanks for the laugh! Actually, going through the hoo-ha can be much safer for many people. You healed nicely and quickly, but many people don’t for various reasons, i.e., diabetes, keloids, etc.

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Dolley • May 4, 2007 at 9:08 am

I had a handful of ladyparts sucked out that way. Yes; basically, they reached in, pulled out a handful of stuff, snipped it off, and let it snap back inside, like a big ol’ rubber band. Just like the cartoons! (Well, Ralph Bakshi cartoons, maybe).

It hurt like a mofo, and I’ve had pain ever since. I developed adhesions – something to remember them by!

Needless to say, I’m not quite as enthusiastic about that way of doing surgery as some others might be.

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Mymsie • May 7, 2007 at 9:18 pm

*crossing my legs and giggling nervously*

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Adriana • May 13, 2007 at 11:02 pm

I must say I find your personality and sarcastic wit unbelievably entertaining! I find myself laughing at a lot of your well-placed sarcasm, and then laughing again at the hidden wit behind it. I hate to compare you or your talents to anyone or anything, so I’ll just say…I think should you someday decide to “bottle” up all of these stories, and espectially your archive of journal entries, and sell them in the format of say a best-selling book, that I and many people I know (like you said somewhere…most of the American population are fat) would run down to our nearest bookstore for a fabulous purchase!

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Kat • September 24, 2008 at 9:20 pm

I used to feel so embarrassed about my appendix scar back in middle school (it being “the awkward years” and all) and I wouldn’t wear 2 piece bathing suits at all because of it. It was fairly new at that point, so it was lumpy and purple/red. I felt like it was this freakish smudge and that everyone else would think so. Nowadays, the scar is level to my skin and a nice pearly white and I LOVE it. I always think about how beautiful it is and I like to stroke it (in an unsexual, while-I’m-watching-TV kind of way. hahaha) Now when I wear bathing suits, I love to point it out to everyone. I like to play around with it, too. I’ll take a sharpie and draw a zipper on it or something like that. Anyway, I just think it’s funny how your perception of beauty changes with time.

In a more relevant story (haha, sorry), my boyfriend used to cut himself a loooong time ago and now he’s got these pretty, thin white scars on his upper and lower arms. He told me that he thinks that they’re beautiful and how most people would be reminded of dark times or be ashamed by them, but he looks at them purely as beautiful creamy lattices on his arm: like artwork.

Anyway, I guess that’s relevant! Like you said, if all preconceived notions of beauty were gone, it’s amazing what we might think is beautiful!

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Carrie • June 4, 2009 at 12:36 pm

I love your site! I have spent the last few days reading all of the archives and they crack me up!

I like to refer to my gallbladder marks as my bullet wounds. I think it makes me sounds tougher…..

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Comments are now closed on all PastaQueen entries. The blog is an archive only so I don't have to deal with spammers. For fresh discussions please visit my new blog JenFul.

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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