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The joy of cooking

My friend preformed in The Vagina Monologues this weekend in addition to helping plan the event which raised thousands of dollars for the local YWCA and rape assistance program. I’m so proud of her! She also works full time, takes 15 hours of classes, and wrapped individual presents for each cast member, complete with ribbons made out of some strange substance called “wraphia” which is the inbred child of ribbon and hay. I don’t know how she does all this. Maybe she secretly has a twin sister and they’ve been pretending to be the same person for the past umpteen years I’ve known her/them.

I wanted to help her celebrate the climax of all her hard work, so I undertook some thematic baking. If you are exceedingly moral or are put off by vulgar flour-based imagery, stop reading now. And if you are exceedingly moral, why are you reading my blog anyway? :)

Please only click if you are the age of 18 or over, your boss is not looking over your shoulder (unless you work at Planned Parenthood), and you are prepared to shower after delving into my dirty, dirty mind.


Muff-ins

Vagina muff-ins!

I cooked up the ingredients and the idea all by myself. I found a whole wheat banana muffin recipe online. I didn’t want to use my apple muffin recipe for fear that the apple bits would make my muffins look like they had an outbreak of genital warts. Then I cut an anatomically correct slit down the middle which I filled with sugar-free strawberry preserves. The strawberry preserves were a dangerous discovery. Made with Splenda, they only have 10 calories and 5 carbs per 1 Tbsp serving. I might be taking a detour down the jelly aisle in the future. The clitoris is a craisin and the labia minora are almond slices. I think you could substitute the almonds with dried peaches to get a better color match, but I only had almonds. The muffins were rather tasty and didn’t taste like vagina at all. However, eating them in front of other people was, um, rather suggestive.

Muff-ins

The muff-ins are not something I would have attempted before I learned how to cook. So that’s one unexpected side affect of weight loss. I now feel confident enough in my baking improvisational skills that I’m ready to take on pornographic pastry making! I bet you could do something similar with cupcakes, using an M&M for the clitoris and candy hearts for the inner labia.

Here’s the muffin recipe if anyone is interested in learning the art of erotic baked goods. It’s slightly modified from the Lighter Banana Muffins recipe from AllRecipes.com:

Ingredients

2 eggs, beaten

3 very ripe bananas, mashed

2 cups whole wheat flour

1 teaspoon salt

3/4 cup Splenda

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease or line 10 muffin cups.

2. In a medium bowl, combine eggs and bananas. In a separate bowl, mix together flour, salt, sugar and baking soda. Stir banana mixture into flour mixture. Pour batter into prepared muffin cups.

3. Bake in preheated oven for 20 to 25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into center of a muffin comes out clean.

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47 Comments

mickey • February 28, 2007 at 8:28 am

i’ve already admitted to my fiancee that i have a crush on this blog. this only cements it. thankfully, she’s understanding – she introduced me to it.

total genius. thanks for giving me a big laugh on a stressful morning.

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Aunt Annette • February 28, 2007 at 9:52 am

I think that the V-Day organizers who organize this nationwide movement for awareness about violence against women with performances of The Vagina Monologues, also have available a recipe for a Vagina Danish of some sort. We considered making them and selling them at a booth at our performance. Thanks for this recipe!

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Debbi • February 28, 2007 at 10:18 am

What. A. Hoot.

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Jen • February 28, 2007 at 10:22 am

Your muff-ins are inspired, though I might have hesitated to actually EAT one. :) I’m sure your friend loved that you got so creative in your support.

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dg • February 28, 2007 at 10:31 am

pure genius :)

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Julia • February 28, 2007 at 10:46 am

Um, almost lifelike! Made me laugh…

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Rachel • February 28, 2007 at 10:57 am

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! That’s AWESOME! You’re such a good friend.

I’m with Jen–I don’t know if I could actually eat one, although I’m sure they were deelish.

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Heather • February 28, 2007 at 11:13 am

I am speechless.

Yet, a comment is the only way to let you know I’m speechless in the written world. So here it is.

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vickie • February 28, 2007 at 11:56 am

You are going to get a lot of “interesting” readers when they query/google on a variety of “topics”. As always – you are too funny!

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JEM • February 28, 2007 at 12:24 pm

Um…wow. Wasn’t expecting this. Too funny. Good um Job I guess. Thanks for the laugh. You are a very good friend!

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Joy • February 28, 2007 at 12:50 pm

Now here’s a woman who is comfortable with her body AND her baking! Bravo, Pasta Queen!!

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Chris H • February 28, 2007 at 2:05 pm

Oh yeah, you are a clever clever woman! I must try them one day when I’ve got a party to go to, and see if anyone twigs to what they “look like”, could be really funny. Am now waiting for the ones that look like penis’s!!

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Mymsie • February 28, 2007 at 2:20 pm

I feel so dirty and yet cannot look away OR deny the likeness. Props for a, um…creative idea! ;)

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Mymsie • February 28, 2007 at 2:23 pm

P.S. Aren’t the sugar-free preserves delish? UMM-EEE!

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Ezpy • February 28, 2007 at 2:40 pm

These are amazing and wonderful. I loved them when I first read this entry and even more after I showed it to my husband it it seemed to make him nervous. Hee!

You go girl. And brava to your friend for her (and your) good work for a great cause.

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metamorphose • February 28, 2007 at 3:02 pm

Hands down, the coolest thing I’ve seen all week. Oh Pastaqueen -you’re a genius! I love you.

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Hilly • February 28, 2007 at 3:58 pm

Wow.

I always enjoy it when someone other than me takes it to the whole nubba lebel!

Go on with your cupcakes!

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Marla • February 28, 2007 at 4:16 pm

OMG! I was not expecting that at all! Thanks for including the recipe.

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emily • February 28, 2007 at 5:05 pm

hi – i’m a new reader, and i love your blog!

i was looking at your progress pictures (congrats, by the way!) and i noticed that you’re really slouching in them – it’s most noticeable in the thinnest one. look at your ankles, hips, and shoulder. they should be in a straight line, but your hips are pushed forward. this pushes out your stomach and also makes you look shorter.

if you pull your hips back to above your ankles, lightly engage your stomach (as in pilates, which i see you do), and stand up straight, you’ll look taller and thinner – it’s the easiest way EVER to look like you lost 10 pounds, it really makes a difference. and it’s better for your body.

i’m aware that it’s really weird to comment on your blog just to critique your posture, but you look GREAT and you’ve lost so much weight, and i just want to see you look your best! and i’m obsessive about posture, obviously.

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Erin • February 28, 2007 at 5:08 pm

LOVE IT.

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karaokekitty • February 28, 2007 at 8:10 pm

LOL! These remind me of my annual Halloween party. Every year I co-host a big Halloween shindig. Last year one of the guests brought vampire vagina cookies. Thought I’d share the link in case you wanted to branch out in your anatomically correct culinary goodies. Totally hilarious! I love your muffins! (that sounds like a weird compliment – lol)

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Haystacks • February 28, 2007 at 10:02 pm

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah……

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eMM • February 28, 2007 at 11:50 pm

Looks delicious!

I love your blog, been a silent for a long time. Hope you don’t mind me adding you to my links. Look forward to see you on my blog sometime! :)

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Samiam • March 1, 2007 at 12:27 am

too funny!!! Brings new meaning to the concept of food pornography! hehehe

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Lisa • March 1, 2007 at 12:29 am

Mad genius! Fantastic!

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mizz lilly • March 1, 2007 at 12:46 am

these made me want to get a date

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A- • March 1, 2007 at 1:05 am

rafia ribbon! I love it!

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Andrea • March 1, 2007 at 7:08 am

Your comment on the raffia being the inbred child of ribbon and hay made me laugh out loud! My mother-in-law uses it on everything, so I don’t know how I’ll look at one of her presents or decorations again without giggling!

As if that wasn’t funny enough, then you moved on to the muffins! You are so freakin’ cool!

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bazu • March 1, 2007 at 2:47 pm

YES! I <3 your vagina muffins! Ok, never thought I’d say *that* to a total stranger… my favorite line? “for fear that the apple bits would make my muffins look like they had an outbreak of genital warts”

Damn, you are a talented writer!

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bazu • March 1, 2007 at 2:58 pm

P.S. Would it be all right with you if I linked to your blog from mine?

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Glossy • March 1, 2007 at 3:24 pm

OMG they are brilliant!!! They are making me feel hungry, is that wrong?!!?!?

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Vamp • March 1, 2007 at 4:42 pm

As much as I love your muffins *wink wink* there’s something about them that make me feel a little ooky.. I’d love to make them (my family would just die with laughter) but I think I’ll use maybe a peach or apricot jam and a piece of dried peach or apricot since I think it’s the color that makes me look at them funny! :) Thank god they don’t tase like anything but muffin, you crack me up! ^_^

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v'ron • March 1, 2007 at 6:51 pm

Oh darn. I gave up vaginal muffins for lent!

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NicoleW • March 1, 2007 at 9:21 pm

Bwahahaha! Those are evil and awesome.

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Roz • March 2, 2007 at 4:57 am

OMG they are so awesome! Now I just need an occasion to bake them for.

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Amanda Jane • March 2, 2007 at 4:20 pm

LOL, I will never look at a MUFFin the same way again. Hilarious and also probably delicious…

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Nau-Dee • March 3, 2007 at 6:11 pm

Love these and LOVE your blog!!!

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the veggie paparazzo • March 4, 2007 at 4:58 pm

Oh my god–I just laughed until I started coughing from laughing (getting over a cold). That is AWESOME.

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Mia • March 20, 2007 at 5:17 pm

Vagina muffins are such a great idea!!!! I can imagine several people turning red while eating them, oh the fun!

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Mist 1 • April 12, 2007 at 8:43 pm

Finally, I have a reason to invite my friends over for brunch.

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ashleigh • June 25, 2008 at 11:43 pm

these are great! i googled ‘happy vagina’ looking for fun pics for my friend who has to have a gyno colposcopy appt tomorrow! she’ll love these :) thanks!!

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Shortcake • July 25, 2008 at 8:10 pm

I was not offended in the least.. I thought it was very clever! Would have been a perfect treat to bake for my Women’s Studies 444 class.

Why did I say I was not offended… O’ I am very Mormon… I do have high morals and I have not been offended or shocked while reading anything that you have written, I have enjoyed every entry so far!!

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Lindsey • July 15, 2009 at 2:07 am

Lol, that’s so funny!

However, I do have a question. Is the jelly supose to be the menstral cycle?

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Blah • October 17, 2009 at 4:06 am

Gross! :s

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Courtney • November 10, 2009 at 11:07 am

Wow- what a great cause! You took creativity to a whole new level….nice work.

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joelle • December 2, 2009 at 3:10 am

you have just graduated to my favorite person in the whole galaxy. I am an obstetrics nurse and feel it necessary to recreate these muffins at the next staff party. u shud be famous

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----------- • March 28, 2010 at 7:49 am

hahahahah lmao thats so uhh gross but funny at the same tym ;D

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Comments are now closed on all PastaQueen entries. The blog is an archive only so I don't have to deal with spammers. For fresh discussions please visit my new blog at JennetteFulda.com.

Man looking into telescope

Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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