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Journey to the past

I finally did something I’ve been afraid to do for months – I read my blog archives. You might be asking yourself why this was an event that induced enough anxiety, fear and paranoia for me to start wishing for a Xanax and a chaser of rum. The problem was I couldn’t remember everything I’d mentioned in my archives, which go back two and a half years and cover several abortive weight loss attempts. Going back and reading them would be like looking at old yearbook photos. What if I discovered I’d had a mullet?

I’ve always been flattered when someone has told me they liked my writing enough to read all of the archives. But I would also get a little freaked out because I couldn’t remember exactly how revealing I’d been when I had assumed no one was reading. It’s a lot easier to dance like no one’s watching when no one’s actually watching. Had I said anything that might be embarrassing?

Thankfully, no. While taking my trip down memory lane I didn’t stumble upon any roadkill or multiple car pile ups that would make me recoil in horror. I do admit I paved a couple potholes by removing a sentence here or there, but there were no major construction projects requiring lane closings. (Now exiting construction metaphor zone. You may turn off your headlights.)

Reading the archives was like watching a movie that I already knew the plot to. I’d shake my head as our heroine got excited that she was going to escape from the dungeon. Silly girl! That doesn’t happen until at least Act II. Didn’t she get the script? I would read an entry from 2004 about how I was really going to lose weight this time and think to myself, “Sorry, sugar. It’s going to be at least another year before that starts happening.” It makes me glad I’m not psychic because I would be a serious buzzkill, always dashing people’s dreams.

In between these bursts of “No, seriously, I’m really going to do it this time,” I sensed an undercurrent of hopelessness and self-loathing. It was really unappealing actually. I think I would have preferred the mullet. I’d forgotten the extent to which I was unhappy with my life and circumstances when I was morbidly obese. There was a lot of ignorance and naiveté about how I was going to tackle this problem. I sometimes wanted to shake my past self and yell “No! That’s not going to work!”

Also, it took me awhile to figure out the voice and tone I wanted to take with this blog. A lot of the early entries don’t reflect my current style at all. It’s like watching the first season of The Simpsons where all the characters are drawn funny.

I’m glad I dipped back into the past though. What’s the point of keeping a journal if you don’t go back and read it now and then?

Chocolate & Vicodin: My Quest for Relief from the Headache that Wouldn't Go Away
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8 Comments

Julia • July 17, 2006 at 12:27 pm

Oh, I guess I hadn’t noticed the archives! Now I HAVE TO GO READ THEM ALL!!!! Or at least until july 2005 when I started reading your blog.

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BAiley • July 17, 2006 at 1:40 pm

Although I hate going back and reading my old journals (it’s like watching a marathon of “The Real World”..only good if you have a a whole day to kill) I LOVE reading your archives. As I continue on my journey of weight loss it’s nice to read where you have been..Thanks for your honesty!! You loook Fabulous!!

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Heather • July 17, 2006 at 3:06 pm

Just ran across your blog. You are an amazing writer! I’ll probably be going back through the archives myself. :)

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Mark • July 17, 2006 at 10:41 pm

‘Fess up: the real reason you read your archives is because you figure your mom is going to read them all eventually, so you need to bowdlerize them!

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PastaQueen • July 18, 2006 at 12:14 am

Oh Mark, you know me too well :)

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K • July 18, 2006 at 4:30 am

It’s when your mother starts saying (daily) “You haven’t updated that thing recently, have you? When are you going to post something? Your readers are going to get fed up with you…” that you really have to worry!

“I sometimes wanted to shake my past self”. Oh, I often want to do that. Either that, or draw her to the side and tell her it’ll all be OK eventually. (Fortunately my worst moments of self-pity were before blogs existed…)

You are indeed an amazing writer, and very funny.

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vron • July 20, 2006 at 6:44 am

Ah yes, the archives! I can totally related to the bursts of “no, really this time, its going to happen” I’d gone through, and in my cases, (because my archives are only 8 months old) the bursts of excuses as to why its not. They’re out there, and really, that’s why you keep a journal. Its why you document. If you can’t learn lessons from prior documentation, well, why bother? You actually pick up on trends that you can stop or nurture!

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The QH • June 10, 2008 at 9:13 pm

Hi. Just thought I’d drop you a note to say I found your blog last week, and reading through your archives is exactly what I am doing right now! It is fun to watch you lose weight in fast forward. Good luck to the former and the present you.

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Comments are now closed on all PastaQueen entries. The blog is an archive only so I don't have to deal with spammers. For fresh discussions please visit my new blog at JennetteFulda.com.

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Jennette Fulda tells stories to the Internet about her life as a smartass, writer, weight-loss inspiration, chronic headache sufferer, and overall nice person (who is silently judging you). She does this at JenFul now, but you can still have fun perusing her past here.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for keyboards ruined by coffee spit-takes or forehead wrinkles caused by deep thought.

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